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I upset mum today

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Hi. I have seen mum today in hospital and I upset her and feel terrible. She was very confused when I got there so I suggestef to go and get a coffee in starbucks for a change. So off we went. I got the drinks and sat down. We started chatting about her house and her cats then suddenly she asked when we were getting in the queue for her ticket! I asked what for and she said the governmemt are moving people around on the 31.12.00 and if she didnt get a ticket she'd be left behind and the family would be split up! I didnt know what to say and said, I dont think they are we are fine.
Well she sobbed like I've never seen. She said I knew you wouldnt believe but it is happening and I need a ticket!
As she was so upset I took her back to the ward and the nurse spoke to her, then mum said to her that she had made me mad at her for what she said and I felt terrible.
I didn't mean to upset her with what I said and now feel so bad.
How do you best handle things like that? It was heart breaking seeing her so upset.
Thanks
 

ElizabethAnn

Registered User
Jan 4, 2014
189
North Hampshire
Hello Springy12,
I think a little "love lie" is required... something like "Don't worry Mum, I bought your ticket when I got mine"

Easy when you've got time to think and plan a response... :confused:

Mum comes up with things like this quite frequently... I don't always get it right, but learn from my mistakes.... :confused:
 

sinkhole

Registered User
Jan 28, 2015
273
It's a difficult judgement to make, but sometimes it seems best just to go along with the story and make things up which are plausible but won't lead to you disagreeing or contradicting whatever is being said.

So I would have said something like "Yes, I asked about the ticket queue, but apparently it's not happening today, but they promised to let me know when it's going to be rearranged and we can queue up then".
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
The problem is, these things tend to come out of the blue so you have no real time to prepare. I mean if she raised the subject again, you could say "I've arranged the tickets and we're all set" but while this could be the start of an obsession, equally, the subject may never come up again.

All you can really do is decide that you won't contradict her in future, but deciding that and actually doing it when you're caught on the hop like that are two entirely different things.

And forgive yourself - while you might have been the immediate trigger, the reason your mother was so upset is because she has dementia, and that's not your fault.
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Thanks

Hello Springy12,
I think a little "love lie" is required... something like "Don't worry Mum, I bought your ticket when I got mine"

Easy when you've got time to think and plan a response... :confused:

Mum comes up with things like this quite frequently... I don't always get it right, but learn from my mistakes.... :confused:
Thanks for your reply. I went back yesterday and went along with what she was saying and she was much calmer. As you say- I learnt from my mistake
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Thanks

It's a difficult judgement to make, but sometimes it seems best just to go along with the story and make things up which are plausible but won't lead to you disagreeing or contradicting whatever is being said.

So I would have said something like "Yes, I asked about the ticket queue, but apparently it's not happening today, but they promised to let me know when it's going to be rearranged and we can queue up then".
Hi. Thanks for your advise. I did go back yesterday and went along with what mum was saying and it was much easier for her and me!
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Thanks

The problem is, these things tend to come out of the blue so you have no real time to prepare. I mean if she raised the subject again, you could say "I've arranged the tickets and we're all set" but while this could be the start of an obsession, equally, the subject may never come up again.

All you can really do is decide that you won't contradict her in future, but deciding that and actually doing it when you're caught on the hop like that are two entirely different things.

And forgive yourself - while you might have been the immediate trigger, the reason your mother was so upset is because she has dementia, and that's not your fault.
Hi. Thanks for your reply. I did go back yesterday and went along with what she was saying and it was much better for both of us.
It is such a horrible thing to see your mum go through and I know it will only get worse as time goes on.
 

Summerheather

Registered User
Feb 22, 2015
160
Hi. Thanks for your reply. I did go back yesterday and went along with what she was saying and it was much better for both of us.
It is such a horrible thing to see your mum go through and I know it will only get worse as time goes on.
Sometimes though they catch you unawares, it happens, and then afterwards I'm cursing myself
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,617
USA
Springy, this has probably happened to all of us. I know that doesn't change what happened, or how you feel about it, but absolutely I can relate. Of course you felt terrible, you didn't mean to upset her, and you certainly didn't do it on purpose.

If it's any comfort (may be very cold comfort!), this sort of thing does get easier/better/less upsetting with practise. I've gotten shockingly good at lying, making things up on the spot, and generally just going along with whatever my mother says.

Sometimes I think that improv or acting classes would be useful!

Springy, hope today is better for you in some way.
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Springy, this has probably happened to all of us. I know that doesn't change what happened, or how you feel about it, but absolutely I can relate. Of course you felt terrible, you didn't mean to upset her, and you certainly didn't do it on purpose.

If it's any comfort (may be very cold comfort!), this sort of thing does get easier/better/less upsetting with practise. I've gotten shockingly good at lying, making things up on the spot, and generally just going along with whatever my mother says.

Sometimes I think that improv or acting classes would be useful!

Springy, hope today is better for you in some way.
Hi. Thanks for your reply. I have been today and gone along with what she said she was much happier. Oscar nomination I think!