• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

I thought I was ok ......

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
We went in to the CH today and popped in a few personal things for the MIL ie photos and took the little dog, she was ok but we did not stay long as the conversation is limited as you all know and we got a bit of grief

For some reason I have an innate need to clear her things from the annex and store them in the loft above it - got boxes have packed it all except from 20 tins of old biscuit tins, at least 40 bits of paper with her telephone number on and 50 old Xmas present bags. But I feel like its the only way I can move on - then I feel disrespectful to the OH as no one is moving into it, there is no need - but for me there is. I feel so confused its like I am being disrespectful but we are keeping it all and for what end?

The OH said he wants to keep all her things until she "goes " - but he has not come into the annex to see how its going - out of sight out of mind. I get that, he will move on in his own time. But he also hates going to the care home, dont get me wrong it is an amazing home and lovely room but to him its the final move to the inevitable.

I dont know if I should be happy or sad, I'm just all mixed up its like my balloon has suddenly lost its puff and earth is coming faster than I can cope with. Its only been just over a week but we went for coffee today and it was like we cannot stay to look around (garden centre) as the OH cannot cope with talking about his mum all he just needs is to get home. So I have changed tactic and talked about footie, cricket and anything else even the tyres on my car as a distraction! Is this normal, is he grieving, am I grieving. There are times I have written on TP that all feelings are validated no matter what the circumstances, but right now I am not sure what they are.

As usual TP advice willing needed. Thanks X

PS nothing from the BIL or cousin, which normally I would be pleased about but it feels like now there is no need to contact us everything we did for the MIL meant nothing to them.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,613
Chester
Life is so complex.

I think you have to let OH deal with things at his own speed. I think OH is grieving. If you have space for MILs things in the attic, then no harm in keeping them.

I find it hard to visit my mum as she isn't my mum anymore if you know what I mean.

It might also be when you are out for coffee he wants to get back to 'normality' and not talk about his mum all the time.


PS nothing from the BIL or cousin, which normally I would be pleased about but it feels like now there is no need to contact us everything we did for the MIL meant nothing to them.
I suspect you won't hear from them, they don't have a clue what you did and don't actually care, sorry very harsh but currently struggling with invisible brother.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
Life is so complex.

I think you have to let OH deal with things at his own speed. I think OH is grieving. If you have space for MILs things in the attic, then no harm in keeping them.

I find it hard to visit my mum as she isn't my mum anymore if you know what I mean.

It might also be when you are out for coffee he wants to get back to 'normality' and not talk about his mum all the time.




I suspect you won't hear from them, they don't have a clue what you did and don't actually care, sorry very harsh but currently struggling with invisible brother.

Yes I get not talking about his mum when out - its hard when thats what your life has revolved around for so long - its like need to rediscover us again - I have just left the boxes in the annex not put them in the attic - will leave that till he is ready. Life goes on but is also on hold. One step at a time.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,613
Chester
I think if you are the one doing a lot of the caring it fills a lot of your world, I kept talking a lot about mum when she first had crisis, and OH just didn't want to hear it. It took my a long time to understand and accept he was right, that our life together isn't about my mum, I did need to off load but I was repeating myself multiple times discussing the same things. I felt he wasn't supporting me, but in reality talking about other things was better for me as well.

I realise this is the other way round and your OH's mum but it might be the same thing.
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
464
channel islands
I think if you are the one doing a lot of the caring it fills a lot of your world, I kept talking a lot about mum when she first had crisis, and OH just didn't want to hear it. It took my a long time to understand and accept he was right, that our life together isn't about my mum, I did need to off load but I was repeating myself multiple times discussing the same things. I felt he wasn't supporting me, but in reality talking about other things was better for me as well.

I realise this is the other way round and your OH's mum but it might be the same thing.
Yes you are completely right - "our life together is not about my mum" or in my case the MIL. The OH has an avenue with his sport and has a trip booked to see his cricket team in a couple of months (he has a small crowd that he sits with every time he goes over that he has some banter with - they call him the posh Guernsey man! Don't worry we are not all rich like you think!) We have also booked our holiday together in September (honestly we are not rich!) I think you are right I need to find my own avenue maybe clearing the annex was just to fill a void. I shall think on but I did like drawing and maybe now this is the time to start again. Thanks @jugglingmum puts it into better perspective.
 

Petunia59

Registered User
Oct 11, 2019
38
jugglingmum I think you are so right. I find myself constantly talking about Mum to my OH and friends. I have to remind myself that when they ask me "How's you Mum?" they're not really that interested and don't want to hear that she's wet the bed again; fallen down; driving me nuts etc. That's why TP is so good as you can rant on for ever and know that everyone else understands. It's just that I feel so lonely at times and think that no one understands how I feel. I do have one friend who's been there, got the T-shirt.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
411
When Mum went into the nursing home I felt so guilty. To me it seemed like one step nearer to the end (even though physically she is ok for a person of 88 except she is immobile), and that guilt is still with me nearly 2 years on. I think it is a massive adjustment that will take time to adjust to and we all have different coping mechanisms, please don't be offended but is it possible your OH could be suffering from depression? My brother is still living in Mum's house and he has moved a lot of mum and dad's things and I resent it as it feels to me like he is wiping them out of his life. There is no easy solution and I think you will both have to walk a very wobbly path. Sorry for the ramble that probably hasn't been much help but didn't want to read and run. Take care both of you x
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,029
I think if you are the one doing a lot of the caring it fills a lot of your world, I kept talking a lot about mum when she first had crisis, and OH just didn't want to hear it. It took my a long time to understand and accept he was right, that our life together isn't about my mum, I did need to off load but I was repeating myself multiple times discussing the same things. I felt he wasn't supporting me, but in reality talking about other things was better for me as well.

I realise this is the other way round and your OH's mum but it might be the same thing.
Jugglingmum Thank you for these words. You have opened my eyes. I have been anxious about my Mum especially since my dad died and she went into a CH and recently it has become worse. My husband is definitely doing his bit by driving 7 hours every other weekend but doesn't want to hear about mum all the rest of the time. I need to find a way to keep my worries under control and not tell him about them all...and I mean all ....of the time. Thanks again. Susan
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,613
Chester
I need to find a way to keep my worries under control and not tell him about them all...and I mean all ....of the time.
That bit is hard, and to be fair to the NHS it was counselling which helped me understand what OH was saying was right.

BUT I think I gained as much by thinking about something else as well (and in my case it involved the issues with the kids as well )

I know it isn't as simple as negative thinking breeds negative thinking but self care is about being kind to yourself, only you can do that, and getting my mind away from all the issues and 'letting them go'

Don't think I manage this all the time or that I flicked a switch overnight to do it, but in total understanding that dwelling on thoughts about mum (linked in with invisible brother - although that rears up from time to time) was making me unhappy, and thinking about something else helps.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
We went in to the CH today and popped in a few personal things for the MIL ie photos and took the little dog, she was ok but we did not stay long as the conversation is limited as you all know and we got a bit of grief

For some reason I have an innate need to clear her things from the annex and store them in the loft above it - got boxes have packed it all except from 20 tins of old biscuit tins, at least 40 bits of paper with her telephone number on and 50 old Xmas present bags. But I feel like its the only way I can move on - then I feel disrespectful to the OH as no one is moving into it, there is no need - but for me there is. I feel so confused its like I am being disrespectful but we are keeping it all and for what end?

The OH said he wants to keep all her things until she "goes " - but he has not come into the annex to see how its going - out of sight out of mind. I get that, he will move on in his own time. But he also hates going to the care home, dont get me wrong it is an amazing home and lovely room but to him its the final move to the inevitable.

I dont know if I should be happy or sad, I'm just all mixed up its like my balloon has suddenly lost its puff and earth is coming faster than I can cope with. Its only been just over a week but we went for coffee today and it was like we cannot stay to look around (garden centre) as the OH cannot cope with talking about his mum all he just needs is to get home. So I have changed tactic and talked about footie, cricket and anything else even the tyres on my car as a distraction! Is this normal, is he grieving, am I grieving. There are times I have written on TP that all feelings are validated no matter what the circumstances, but right now I am not sure what they are.

As usual TP advice willing needed. Thanks X

PS nothing from the BIL or cousin, which normally I would be pleased about but it feels like now there is no need to contact us everything we did for the MIL meant nothing to them.
I think I can understand a bit how your OH feels, in your post you described me to a T a couple of months ago before Dad passed away. I have to say reading you post was poignant & painful, as I now realise how difficult I was to live with.
It’s difficult to explain the emotions linked to the progress of dementia on my Dad, Mum & the care system; but these words come to mind - shock, grief , disbelief, guilt, numb, autopilot

Everything was just “too much”... at times it still is. Dads been gone two months & i feel like I’m slowly waking up to a reality that feels alien & im a little lost to be honest.

The kindest thing my OH & daughter did for me was to allow me to just be quiet ; hindsight tells me in my own home I was just a spectator.
it must have been horrendous for my family; & I’m grateful for their love & patience.

I don’t have any words of advice for you, but I hope my sharing my recent experience might in some way help.
 

Wakky

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
43
Yes you are completely right - "our life together is not about my mum" or in my case the MIL. The OH has an avenue with his sport and has a trip booked to see his cricket team in a couple of months (he has a small crowd that he sits with every time he goes over that he has some banter with - they call him the posh Guernsey man! Don't worry we are not all rich like you think!) We have also booked our holiday together in September (honestly we are not rich!) I think you are right I need to find my own avenue maybe clearing the annex was just to fill a void. I shall think on but I did like drawing and maybe now this is the time to start again. Thanks @jugglingmum puts it into better perspective.
I feel for you. I logged on to this site when my husband was diagnosed with AD in September 2019, but my mum also had AD and she died almost 20 years ago. I so understand the feeling of not wanting to visit someone, or if you do, stay for the minimum length of time. (It doesn't seem like the person you know and love) My mum managed to stay at home, with carers twice a day and she died at home. That sounds ok, but my brother, who lived close by, was bombarded with phone calls at all times of the day and night, and she was also very unpleasant to him at times, though he did the most for her. I understand you wanting to clear your annex - she is no longer there, but I also understand that you feel it to be disrespectful. She has entered a new phase, as have you and your husband. Clear the annex, but keep some things stored. Do not feel bad whatever you do, you need to deal with this in your own way.
I have to say, the struggle with my own feelings now that my husband has AD is totally different to that when my mother was diagnosed. It is far worse. You expect a parent to die before you, no matter what the cause - but knowing my husband has this is just horrendous! Being with him 24 hours a day means I see the changes which others may not see. I am afraid of the time when he will not be "him" anymore
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
I feel for you. I logged on to this site when my husband was diagnosed with AD in September 2019, but my mum also had AD and she died almost 20 years ago. I so understand the feeling of not wanting to visit someone, or if you do, stay for the minimum length of time. (It doesn't seem like the person you know and love) My mum managed to stay at home, with carers twice a day and she died at home. That sounds ok, but my brother, who lived close by, was bombarded with phone calls at all times of the day and night, and she was also very unpleasant to him at times, though he did the most for her. I understand you wanting to clear your annex - she is no longer there, but I also understand that you feel it to be disrespectful. She has entered a new phase, as have you and your husband. Clear the annex, but keep some things stored. Do not feel bad whatever you do, you need to deal with this in your own way.
I have to say, the struggle with my own feelings now that my husband has AD is totally different to that when my mother was diagnosed. It is far worse. You expect a parent to die before you, no matter what the cause - but knowing my husband has this is just horrendous! Being with him 24 hours a day means I see the changes which others may not see. I am afraid of the time when he will not be "him" anymore
(((((((Hugs))))))))
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,029
Jugglingmum Thank you for these words. You have opened my eyes. I have been anxious about my Mum especially since my dad died and she went into a CH and recently it has become worse. My husband is definitely doing his bit by driving 7 hours every other weekend but doesn't want to hear about mum all the rest of the time. I need to find a way to keep my worries under control and not tell him about them all...and I mean all ....of the time. Thanks again.
That bit is hard, and to be fair to the NHS it was counselling which helped me understand what OH was saying was right.

BUT I think I gained as much by thinking about something else as well (and in my case it involved the issues with the kids as well )

I know it isn't as simple as negative thinking breeds negative thinking but self care is about being kind to yourself, only you can do that, and getting my mind away from all the issues and 'letting them go'

Don't think I manage this all the time or that I flicked a switch overnight to do it, but in total understanding that dwelling on thoughts about mum (linked in with invisible brother - although that rears up from time to time) was making me unhappy, and thinking about something else helps.
It seems to be getting worse the longer Mum is in the CH. Not only do I see Mum deteriorating but also the other residents I have got to know over the last 20 months. One of Mum's friends in the home died suddenly just before Christmas...a huge shock. I have my mobile with me at all times in case they ring to say Mum has fallen again or got another UTI.
But on the positive side I have a new Grandson now 8 months old who is an absolute delight. We try to go over once a week to babysit. And I am going on holiday on Sunday. So...and here is how the circle works....I will not see Mum for 3 weeks which is a worry.
I will take your advice and try to concentrate on other things which will be fairer on my husband as I am always on the verge of tears at the moment.
Susan
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,613
Chester
@Susan11 - being on the verge of tears all the time doesn't sound good

I have a dog and walking her helps, having something else to focus on.

Is it worth going to your GP and asking for a counselling referral? Nothing to lose
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,029
Thanks for your reply. I'll see how the holiday goes and contact the dr if I don't feel any better when I get back. I do find things are better when we see our Grandson . He's a good distraction .
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
I feel for you. I logged on to this site when my husband was diagnosed with AD in September 2019, but my mum also had AD and she died almost 20 years ago. I so understand the feeling of not wanting to visit someone, or if you do, stay for the minimum length of time. (It doesn't seem like the person you know and love) My mum managed to stay at home, with carers twice a day and she died at home. That sounds ok, but my brother, who lived close by, was bombarded with phone calls at all times of the day and night, and she was also very unpleasant to him at times, though he did the most for her. I understand you wanting to clear your annex - she is no longer there, but I also understand that you feel it to be disrespectful. She has entered a new phase, as have you and your husband. Clear the annex, but keep some things stored. Do not feel bad whatever you do, you need to deal with this in your own way.
I have to say, the struggle with my own feelings now that my husband has AD is totally different to that when my mother was diagnosed. It is far worse. You expect a parent to die before you, no matter what the cause - but knowing my husband has this is just horrendous! Being with him 24 hours a day means I see the changes which others may not see. I am afraid of the time when he will not be "him" anymore
(((((((Hugs))))))))
It seems to be getting worse the longer Mum is in the CH. Not only do I see Mum deteriorating but also the other residents I have got to know over the last 20 months. One of Mum's friends in the home died suddenly just before Christmas...a huge shock. I have my mobile with me at all times in case they ring to say Mum has fallen again or got another UTI.
But on the positive side I have a new Grandson now 8 months old who is an absolute delight. We try to go over once a week to babysit. And I am going on holiday on Sunday. So...and here is how the circle works....I will not see Mum for 3 weeks which is a worry.
I will take your advice and try to concentrate on other things which will be fairer on my husband as I am always on the verge of tears at the moment.
Susan
I couldn’t just read & run
My aged mothers best friend of 63 years tells me repeatedly that things will reach a natural conclusion, a gentle way of reminding me of the cycle of life.
how lovely to have young life & all the joys youth brings in the form of a grandchild
My children won’t oblige at this moment in time to indulge me , so I’m very jealous!!
((((Hugs))) for you & the family

Go on holiday & enjoy
X
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,029
Thank you for your kind words.
I can now see clearly how life moves along. At one end I have my lovely Grandson who is learning how to do new things everyday and at the other end is my beautiful Mum who unfortunately is forgetting how to do things every day too.

My daughter took a while to get her life sorted, she is now 39 so there's plenty time for your children to indulge you yet. Fingers crossed.
Susan
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Thank you for your kind words.
I can now see clearly how life moves along. At one end I have my lovely Grandson who is learning how to do new things everyday and at the other end is my beautiful Mum who unfortunately is forgetting how to do things every day too.

My daughter took a while to get her life sorted, she is now 39 so there's plenty time for your children to indulge you yet. Fingers crossed.
Susan
Just a note but please check if your holiday insurance will cover you if you need to return for your mums dementia?
((((((hugs))))))