i thought i was coping ........

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by sue k, Jul 5, 2007.

  1. sue k

    sue k Registered User

    Jun 26, 2007
    140
    warrington cheshire
    I thought i was getting stronger , getting to accept that this is the way it is from now on, ( my dad was diagnosed with alzheimer's and has rapidly deteriorated)
    i had taken time off work to "pull myself together" to try and get on with things and to stop crying every 10 minutes
    but , alas , i was walking throught the shopping mall in warrington today and bumped into an old friend
    "hi" she said , "hows your dad doing "

    Well , the flood gates opened and i blubbered and cried like a baby, so much for holding it together !!!!!!!

    will my tears ever stop, will my heart ever feel like its not breaking in two........
     
  2. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Sue

    I had the same reaction when it was my Gran diagnosed.

    It lasted a while, I think I had my mum's grief tied up with mine cos she doesn't feel able to shed tears. They threaten to pop out but she chokes them back.

    Acceptance can take ages can't it. You'll get there, you're strong.

    Big hugs

    Gill
    xx
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Sue, love, you are getting stronger. It takes strength to acknowledge your feelings and write about them here.

    Gill's right, it will take time for you to accept, and even when that happens, the tears will not stop. This is an ongoing tragedy that we all have to live with.

    Yes, your heart is breaking in two. So is mine, and so are the hearts of all of us. It's something else we live with.

    You're doing fine. You've got us to support you, so just post whenever you feel low. I'm sure your friend didn't mind your tears, friends want to help. But we're going through it with you.

    Love and hugs,
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,582
    Kent
    Hi Sue,

    You are coping, but if you`re anything like me, the slightest hint of sympathy, reduces you to tears.

    I`m coping, until I have to speak to anyone about my husband, then my voice goes and I find it impossible to stay in control. If they sympathize, instead of making it better, it makes it worse.

    That`s why TP has been such a bonus for me. The sympathy and understanding are there, but I don`t have to talk about our life, I write about it. My voice doesn`t break when I write, and somehow it makes it easier.

    There will never be a time when you`re not upset about your dad.

    Look after yourself, don`t expect too much from yourself, be as kind to yourself as you are to your dad.

    Love xx
     
  5. MillyP

    MillyP Registered User

    Jan 5, 2007
    108
    London
    #5 MillyP, Jul 5, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2007
    I am going to be totally honest here and say that since my Dad was properly diagnosed last Autumn, I haven't cried once....and that's no lie...my Mum crys and so does my brother but maybe the adrenaline from all that's been going on is keeping me strong...I know lots of you will probably think me a hard bitch but I really haven't felt the need to....I love my Dad dearly don't get me wrong and I was always the closest to my Dad...maybe that's why I'm the strongest at the moment....I look back at my Dads life and know that he had fun and did lots of things he loved:) he always loved to give advice but never took any...maybe he should have with his Diabetes and then he wouldn't be in this situation now...still, you can't turn the clock back...when he eventually passes away, and I don't think it will be too long now as he is getting worse very quickly, I will be pleased for him...right now he is like a fish out of water and if he could see what he was like, he wouldn't be happy...he was a fun loving man who loved a joke...it's a great shame this is how his life has ended up.:rolleyes:
     
  6. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Milly

    I wouldn't consider that being hard at all, I'd say it makes you human.

    My mum is exactly the same, she gets upset but the tears just don't flow. The poor thing gets really stressed sometimes and you can sense her distress but it just hasn't found an outlet yet.

    Mum was the same when dad died suddenly 7 years ago. There was only one occasion where she actually felt ready to let the floodgates open, and had a damn good cry. What happened? My damned mobile rang and in the two seconds it took to sabotage the call she'd dried up and they were never seen again.

    Just because a person doesn't cry doesn't make them insensitive or uncaring, its just their coping mechanism. Personally I find I'm an emotional time bomb, it takes very little to make me cry (whoever saw someone shed tears over Extreme Makeover Home Edition?!?). My mum prefers to talk her way through upset, and is expert at it now.

    Either way is ok really, isn't it? As long as everyone has moral support, it's ok to fly in either direction.

    Hugs all round today. I've had a stressful week with one of my children, shed tanks of tears there, could use a great big bear hug right at this minute!! Gran was a piece of cake in comparison. God bless her.

    Gill
    xx
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Specially for you, Gill, and anyone else who needs it!
     

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  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,582
    Kent
    #8 Grannie G, Jul 5, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2007
    Milly, Nobody here is sitting in judgement of you or anyone else.

    We all have our individual strategies for coping and managing to live with Alzheimers as best we can.

    I find it terribly distressing to watch my husband slowly and gradually lose his mind, and see the fear in him as he experiences it. It is nothing less than the drip, drip, drip of Chinese water torture.

    I live with it 24/7 and have to try my best to treat him with respect, answer his repeated questions, cope with his inappropriate behaviour.

    I do not, at this stage, want respite. I know he is most comfortable with me, after 48 years together and I feel I owe him that, at least.

    I feel I have to treat him as I have always done. Life is a pretence for most of the time. I have no idea when the mood will change, when he is talking sense or nonsense.

    So I am walking on eggshells and tears are always very near the surface.

    I would like to be tough. But we are as we are.

    And Milly, because you don`t cry, it doesn`t mean you don`t care.
     
  9. Gill W

    Gill W Registered User

    Jan 31, 2007
    190
    Co. Durham
    Hazel,

    Thank you for that. Very much appreciated today.

    Sylvia, I sooo wish I could reach out and give you a hug. How I feel for you having to watch your soul mate consumed with this awful disease. I don't think i could bear it if it happened to me, it's bad enough with one generation in between.

    I have so much admiration for you all. If I can perform to half of the standard of you ladies, I will be so proud of myself.

    Love to all

    Gill
    xx
     
  10. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Sue,

    For me the tears stopped fairly quickly. My Dad was diagnosed in December of last year so maybe I am a few months further down the line. There are still set backs that can set me off but I don't now burst in to tears if a sad song comes on the radio. I do remember that churning feeling when telling people for the first time and uttering the dreaded A word.

    Now I appear to have developed a desire to tell everyone that my Dad has AD (whether they know him or not!). I don't mean that I go around accosting total strangers in the street and tell them my life story, but if anyone asks about my parents instead of saying 'fine thanks' I find I'm saying 'fine thanks but did you know my Dad has been diagnosed with AD?' What has surprised me is the number of people who say 'well yes actually I did, so-and-so told me'.

    On Saturday night I was at a party and during the meal I was sat next to a couple of people I didn't know. Quite by chance their conversation moved on to Aricept and not-so-Nice's decision. I joined in and said that the reason I knew more than most was because my Dad has AD. Partly I did this because my friend was sat across the table (a friend who has had to cope with my tears) and I could sense her embarrassment on my behalf. I felt no embarrasssment at all and hopefully the other people did not feel embarrassed at having brought the A word up.

    For me the more I talk about it the easier I find it to deal with. Not only do I find talking on TP good 'therapy' but talking to others and being open and honest helps too. And of course the more it gets talked about the more awareness is raised and hopefully the care offered to sufferers and carers will improve. Right, am getting down from my soap box now.:)

    I agree with the comments that other people's sympathy is one of the hardest thing to bear. Seeing other people genuinely upset on your behalf gets me every time. On the other hand feigned sympathy makes me mad. I have an 'acquaintance' who, every time I see her makes a point of asking how my Dad is and I usually say 'he's doing OK thanks', but she will NOT take the hint and goes on and on about how AWFUL it must be and how TRAGIC it is etc etc. She really know how to cheer a girl up:rolleyes: . In the end I have to change the subject very abruptly or walk away before I land her one!

    I think we all cope in our different ways and there is no right or wrong way to cope.

    Take care

    Sue
     
  11. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Milly, I am exactly the same. :cool: I feel that if I once let the tears start to fall they would never stop! So I bottle it - I know it's "bad for me" according to well-meaning friends & advisors, but as said above, we all get on with it the best way we can - there's no Right or Wrong way, just the way that we each can manage & what fits your circumstances. No 2 cases or families are the same.
     
  12. mandyp

    mandyp Registered User

    Oct 20, 2004
    150
    Glasgow
    My tears haven't stopped, sadly, with each 'thing' that goes wrong I get upset all over again.

    Strangely, even though I know it's only concern when people ask, 'how's your mum'. Rather than feel tears, I feel angry. It's such a trite question and there's no easy answer.

    Do they really want to hear, do they really want me to say that she's now incontinent, struggling to dress herself and is no longer the fun loving happy woman that I knew as my Mum.

    I don't mean to be horrible about people but I find it such an incredibly tough question to answer.......I find myself saying, 'she's doing okay, a wee bit worse and it's hard on Dad' then try to change the subject (while feeling disgusted at myself for trying to dismiss the question and pretend that everything is fine!).

    It's awful that such a seemingly simple question can open the gates to such a flood of emotion. Sadly just something else we all have to deal with.

    That said, I still think that at times it can help to have a blubber. I always try to think of the way my Mum once was as she was so strong.

    Take care,

    Mandy
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,582
    Kent
    I suppose it depends on who asks the question `how`s your `whoever`.

    Some ask as a social courtesy, but don`t really want to know. Others have genuine interest and concern.

    So it`s down to us, to understand the intent behind the question and to answer accordingly
     
  14. sue k

    sue k Registered User

    Jun 26, 2007
    140
    warrington cheshire
    Thank you all for your kind words and support

    I find it a big help to write things down on here, and i can sit and cry and type away ( hence the poor spellings sometimes because i cant see the flipping keyboard) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reading everyone elses messages has been a little like therapy , we are all suffering one way or another and its good to know that there are friends here who know and understand just what it is we are going through
    thank you to you all
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,582
    Kent
    And when one of us asks how the nearest and dearest of others are, we really want to know. :)
     
  16. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    I know exactly what you mean.

    Yesterday someone who knew Mum and Dad well asked tentatively "Is your Mum still with us?"

    That upset me because I realised that some people will assume she has died...........just as I in the past have made the same assumption about other locals.

    A good lesson for me there, make the effort to keep asking and giving support to anyone who has a relative in a nursing or care home.

    Kathleen
     
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #17 Margarita, Jul 6, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2007
    Those tears can hit at any time , like when I read on hear what someone with AZ is doing sometimes , that my mother use to do before I new she had AZ , that make me cry .

    Those memory of how mum use to be , My friend keep saying that her mum says that if she was to get AZ remember her as she use to be . I do wish she stop saying that to me , even thought I keep telling her that I can't . as it just make me want to cry .

    well I can cry thought , but it make me feel sad & I have to distract myself because I would flood myself with tears .

    as it gets me on the subject that I have no porupes in life anymore , she did not want to hear that , oh yeah , but she don't mind making me cry . I'll rather talk then cry . so I told her that why I got a puzzle :) with a 1000 peaces in it , so my Goal now is my puzzle .

    Maybe I am depress I say to myself , I don't know but then I don't care , its only me that has to learn to live with myself & all this grief .

    People outside the TP , Just don't understand they just like hearing the happy things in life , Life really is not a bed of roses & they don't like hear that .

    When they ask me how mum is , I just say she on good medication , so she OK

    PS for some unknown reason this puzzle I am doing with my daughter , is making mum chat so much about the past which is good because she does not really talk . even thought she gets her words mix up , like when she said to my Son . Oh my loving Daughter as she hug him good bye.

    and is ant good bye the saddest word to say to..........
     
  18. Im not ashamed to admit it ive always been a mums boy and when my mum got ill i cried and cried and even now at 28 i still have tears silly things set me off and i find crying helps me alot. I treat it like greaving i know that ounds strange but i know i will never see my mum how she was ever again

    Take Care

    Mark
     
  19. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Maggie, I have found that people will often talk if you are doing something together but not actually "having a conversation". Many times kids will tell parents things on a car trip, when the parent's attention is taken up with driving.

    When I worked with troubled teens, I found almost any activity that put me beside them but not actually "talking" to them resulted in revealing conversation, admissions and confessions, revelations about things that troubled them, etc. etc. So I tried to have lots of activities like art and craft, cooking, learning games (where you play games but learn maths or spelling or something!!), anything I could think of to encourage them to talk to me.

    I think the secret is that they don't feel they "have" to talk - so they do!! I wonder if something like this is happening with your Mum? She feels your attention is on your puzzle so she can chat away without feeling you are focusing on her. . . . ??? Who can say?? :)
     
  20. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,110
    Toronto, Canada
    It comes and goes

    Sue,

    I've been on the good ship Alzheimer for 6 1/2 years now. My emotions have done the entire gamut of guilt, crying, anger, irritation, happiness and detachment many, many times. I find that crying comes in cycles and the cycles are faster and more intense earlier on in the journey. I rarely cry now - my eyes occasionally fill up.

    Let it out when it comes. Good friends (good people in general) will understand. As for the ones who don't, who cares? We don't need them.

    Joanne
     

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