1. ScarletPimple

    ScarletPimple Registered User

    Mar 16, 2018
    I and my husband are living with my Mum who has dementia.
    I have read the thing about trying to be kind not confrontational. I hate confronting things anyway, but I am finding it very very hard to do the 'distract' part of the coping mechanisms. When she's disagreeing, and contradictory or insisting that something isn't (or is) so, I sometimes find it so upsetting and overwhelming that I simply cannot THINK straight, and can't come up with anything to distract her with.
    I won't say anymore - so much of this is so upsetting that I could write a whole book.
    Coffee mornings - nightmare time!
    The House
    My health
    Loads and loads more.....
  2. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    This depends greatly on your mum's short term memory and stage of understanding but I found what worked well with my dad during a phase and his repetitive questions were regardless of what it was just agreeing..
    It is indeed..
    I don't know but you are quite right..
    I can find out for you..
    She will be here in an hour/later/tomorrow..
    This worked because dad couldn't think of the consequencesor actions he wanted from my answer because his thought process and memory weren't joining up so although he would return to his question and I agree it is overwhelming sometimes but even if he was totally wrong and saying black was blue I would agree! And was prepared to change half way through a sentence and I did often!
  3. ScarletPimple

    ScarletPimple Registered User

    Mar 16, 2018
    I do try that sometimes but you have to think fast and it can be such a strain.
    The worst is the hate she has against one of our poor innocent neighbours. She tells me he's cut down our trees, he climbs the fence into our gardens and has killed our chickens, he goes into a field near us and lets off his gun...
    The poor guy is totally innocent of any of that - and her constant going on about him is driving me potty.
    I feel awful saying all this, there's so much of it.
    And now with her having lost the back door key - which is the only way to secure the door.
    It's just luck that I got a new key cut a couple of weeks ago and managed to find that one and could thus lock the door after she'd gone to bed - and unlock it this am before she was up. I can't leave it locked or she might realise I have a key and demand it off me - thus creating more angst. I can't leave it unlocked as there are known to be burglars around here.
    The very worst thing is when she just barges straight into our room and then starts complaining about how we are living... how untidy it is. It's a lot tidier that her rooms are!!!
    But her walking straight in like that I find very intimidating, making me feel unsafe.
    If it wasn't for my husband sharing this awful situation with me I think I'd have gone crackers long ago.
    As it is I think it's affecting him too. And she's getting so bad I don't think we could take a break anymore, it wouldn't be safe.
    Enough moaning from me I think. I'll stop now.
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Get a bolt or lock on your door ASAP. You must have some privacy in this intolerable situation.
  5. Malalie

    Malalie Registered User

    Sep 1, 2016
    I think that you deserve a bolt on the inside of your bedroom at the very least! If it was me, I would just go ahead and do it, and suffer the consequences of that "door that keeps sticking....." if only for your own sanity. Remember that you need to look after yourself in order to be able to look after Mum.....

    Starting your replies and responses with "Yes, " .....I just need a cup of tea first..........we must get round to doing that........absolutely....
    etc etc. MIL seemed to get the Yes, and not be too bothered about the rest of the sentence. It only puts it off until the next loop starts of course, but at least it stops the argument and upset.

    Don't be afraid to just walk out of the room at any point (".....desperate for the loo....or whatever") and go and walk round the garden or was your face or beat your head against a wall for a bit. There is only so much you can take after all.
  6. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    Myself and my husband could not cope any longer looking after my Mum who has Alzheimer’s and our health and well-being were suffering so after a lot of soul searching we found a lovely local CH where she has no been for six weeks now. It’s been a tough time but today after visiting Mum I finally felt 100% she was in the right place for her and us alike. I now have quality time with my Mum. All the best to you x
  7. ScarletPimple

    ScarletPimple Registered User

    Mar 16, 2018
    Beat my head against the wall!
    Oh yes. I DO feel a bit like that!
    We now have a key for the bedroom door. I still find that when she tries to open the door, rattling at it, it's a bit intimidating, but nothing like as bad as knowing she could just walk straight in!
    The last couple of days have been a bit better - probably the prospect of a coffee morning at her friend's house. But we had some drama as when I drove up to pick up one of her friends to transport 3 of them to the event, I found she'd fallen and her husband had fallen on top of her, possibly damaging her hip. I phoned the ambulance as although standing she could not walk, and as I use a stick and her husband has a hip op in a week I couldn't see what else to do.
    Bit of a dramatic morning!
    Mum, who was waiting in the car managed to lock herself in. But has now forgotten all about it.
    Life is certainly not dull!
  8. ScarletPimple

    ScarletPimple Registered User

    Mar 16, 2018
    Thank you.
    We do our best don't we?
    My mum goes on and on about wanting to move to Wales.
    But she'd be in a new/different house with nothing familiar and they say that just changing the colour of a wall can be traumatic for people, and she'd loose her friends, and a familiar town, and probably ruin her sister's life who has had a very poor time with a seriously disabled son for most of her adult life only finding freedom and joy in living recently (cousin had heart attack and died a couple of years ago) wouldn't be fair to reburden my aunt with becoming a carer AGAIN.
    You know - if you put all this in a book, it wouldn't be believable!
    You know the next disaster will be when our last 2 chickens die, mum is bound to want new ones but that wouldn't be fair to chickens. She's going to hate me even more when that happens and she realises I won't let her buy new ones.
    Another hateful bridge to cross!
  9. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Don't worry now about your chickens dying, sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. You have plenty on your plate, please try not to worry needlessly. It will only be harder on your nerves.

    I do realize that it's far easier for me to say it.
  10. ScarletPimple

    ScarletPimple Registered User

    Mar 16, 2018
    Yes. I do try not to think about or worry about what MAY happen but (not chickens - that WILL happen one day) I think what's hardest is when you don't know what to expect, so finding this place has helped - a LOT!
    Thank you.

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