I shouted at my Mum today

[Carolynlott]

Just to say me too – only child, mixed up emotions, now torn between parents with AD who (partly) because of the illness don’t feature in each others’ lives any more.

Dad was very controlling, very remote emotionally, never praised, nothing seemed good enough. Mum the opposite – I was (am) her world. Dad was cruel to us both – we took comfort in each other. Did he feel shut out? He must have. Was it Dad’s “fault” the way he was? He had a very difficult childhood, maybe he did his best.

So why do I fall apart when I think of Dad now, the way he is? Why do I feel that if only I could do more for him I could make him feel better – or even make him better? Why is there an emotional surge when I sit with him and hold his hand which makes me more often than not break down (like I am now)? Because he is my Dad. And why now that he is so helpless do I feel so much for him than before when he was living at home and was just difficult and I resented him.

And why does my Mum, who always did everything for me and still would, irritate me even though I KNOW what is wrong with her?

There is no rationality to all this.

 

[Margarita]

There is no rationality to all this

Just to much brain strain from all the responsibility that we feel we must take on , but then at the end of the day its our choice.

And why does my Mum, who always did everything for me and still would, irritate me even though I KNOW what is wrong with her?

because as we grown up we have more insight then are parents ever had about they situation , so we feel frustration sadness of how it could of or should of been . we can't change the pass but we can only change our
future how we want to live it . the choice is our alone .

 

[AJay]

So why do I fall apart when I think of Dad now, the way he is? Why do I feel that if only I could do more for him I could make him feel better – or even make him better? Why is there an emotional surge when I sit with him and hold his hand which makes me more often than not break down (like I am now)? Because he is my Dad. And why now that he is so helpless do I feel so much for him than before when he was living at home and was just difficult and I resented him.

Yes yes yes. I keep asking exactly the same thing and coming up with the same answer. Because he's the Dad I know and i've stuck with him through thick and thin. Bitter sweet memories. I think the difficult times have made me stronger in some ways, weaker in others, somebody earlier mentioned being super sensitive. Yes yes again, not one of my better traits!

Poor old Dad was horrendously confused today when I went to see him and constantly asked who was going to look after him if I wasn't any more. Couldn't remember whether he'd eaten or not, constantly fiddling with his clothes and shoes. Poor poor old soul. I then had to go over to his house to give it a final clean before I hand it back to the council. Many memories again, some good some bad and it brought back the leaky eyes and pangs for what could have been. Another chapter finishes, another begins.

AJay xxx

 

[kacee]

[QUOTe

I made sure history didn`t repeat itself yet again with my `only child` son.[/QUOTE]

Trouble is . My mum did NOT make the mistakes her mum made. She made her own. And I did NOT make my mums mistakes...but heh my boys can list a few moments they feel scarred them and so it goes on.

 

[SusanB]

My Gran (Mum's mum) wasn't a nice person either!

I remember her living with us (she was supposed to live for "only a couple more years" when she came to live with us) and quite frankly, she blighted my childhood and that of my sister and father. Mother in law living with him!!!

She demanded attention and couldn't grasp the fact that Mum actually had a paid job. My Mum seems to have inherited her self-absorption and incredible ego, made worse by dementia. I think I should go to "how to be nice" classes just in case I go the same way.

Susan

 

[Margaret W]

Dear SusanB and everyone else.

I don't love my mother either. I tell you what galls me. Choosing a birthday card for her last week. Birthday cards for mothers are designed for people with wonderful mothers - try finding one for a mother not in that category. "I remember all the loving things you did for me", Er no, I don't remember any "I remember the support you gave me when I needed it", Er No, I was told to stand on my own two feet. "I remember the cuddles and caresses" - the what? I chose one which said "Happy birthday", but it took me ages to find.

Perhaps not true that I don't love her, I'd rather not think about whether I do or not. It certainly isn't something that I currently feel. I have to look after her, or do the best I can for her, out of duty, and out of love for my dad, who I know would have looked after her if he had still been alive.

Our relationships with our parents are all different. Some sons and daughters love their mothers "to bits" - all I can say is they must have been different mothers from mine. Mine fed me, clothed me, sent me to school (didn't even come with me on my first day, aged 4 1/2)one thing she DID do was taught me to read, or rather read to me and I picked it up pretty quickly.

We all have different relationships with our mums and dads. Everyone posting on this site does their best for their mum and dads. I think we are all stars. Tell yourself, Susan B, that you are a star, cos you are.

Sorry everyone to get emotional, but we all do our best.

Love to everyone who doesn't love their mother.

Margaret

 

[SusanB]

Crikey, Maragaret

You could be me - you have described the situation perfectly! I particularly relate to your dilemma in card shops. Funnily enough I have serious issues with Mother's Day - it really p***** me off to me honest. All these cards with loving sentiments in them. Lots of radio phone ins and dedications about marvellous kind, loving mothers. My sister and I just buy those cards with "Happy Mother's Day" in them and that's it.

Thanks for your kind words. Everyone is really great on here.

BTW, Sylvia, I thought your post was great regarding children not asking to be born and in effect, not owing their parents anything. If only more parents thought like this, we'd be in less of a mess, wouldn't we?

S

 

[fearful fiona]

Just logged on after a few days and what a reassuring thread this is. Just to know that there are so many others who don't really love their mothers as one is supposed to. I loved my Dad to bits and he took so much grief from my Mum which he didn't deserve.

I do my bit for Mum, visiting her and washing her clothes and I suppose I feel a bit sorry for her but that is about it.

There I've said it!

 

[zonkjonk]

I love my mum cause she is my mum, but we were never close.
she wasnt bad or mean,she was a bit lacking emotionally. sort of "closed up"
during my childhood, she was busy making the perfect family, and giving me everything I wanted(or didnt want) to really relate to me.

after she went into the NH I cleaned out her stuff from her house, I came away with 7 years of her private diaries, which I poured over repeatedly.
I read about her appointments, what she had cooked for dinner,what she had done in the garden, how there was this or that bill to pay.
the day my dad died, it was duly noted in her diary.

she never opened up to me after dad died,and well, I didnt encourage it as I was a mess, we all just pretended things were OK.
although once, a few months after dad died, she told me she had gone to the shops and bought a bottle of port (she is/was not a "drinker")
she said to me "I am trying to move on"
I was too grief stricken to help her, but then again, what could I have done?
I now feel awful about her situation, and grieve over her decline,I feel responsible for how she is, but I know its not my fault, even if I loved her more, nothing would be different now.

on a positive note, my daughter and I love each other
Jo

 

[Grannie G]

A lot of that generation were not outwardly loving, nor did they show emotion, but their hearts were probably in the right place.

If they provided a good clean home, good food and safety, they were classed as good parents.

Each successive generation has become more open about showing emotion and tend to view the previous generation as cold and unloving. I don`t think that was always the case.

I thought my parents were cold and hard and unloving. They were very strict and we never thought to question their rules. My sister and I knew we were right at the bottom of the pecking order.

My priority with my son was to ensure he believed he was an equally important member of the family who would always have a voice.

 

[Skye]

she never opened up to me after dad died,and well, I didnt encourage it as I was a mess, we all just pretended things were OK.


I was too grief stricken to help her, but then again, what could I have done?
I now feel awful about her situation, and grieve over her decline,I feel responsible for how she is, but I know its not my fault, even if I loved her more, nothing would be different now.

Oh Jo, your post tugged my heart-strings. That's exactly how I feel about my son. I know I didn't give him the support he needed, I was a mess too. I think at times like that, you can only cope with your own grief, unless you are very close.

You couldn't have done anything, you had to focus on your own survival, as I had to. Perhaps your mum also felt guilty?

I don't know how my son feels, we still don't talk about it, and perhaps never will. We're certainly not close now, though I'd like to be.

Of course it's not your fault your mum is how she is. If I became ill, I certainly wouldn't blame my son, and nor does your mum.

on a positive note, my daughter and I love each other

And that's the best possible outcome, making sure the mistakes are not repeated.

Love to you and your beautiful daughter,

 

[SusanB]

Bumping

Bumping for Lucille

Have a read of this.

 

[Short girl]

Susan,
You deserve a medal and your mum is certainly lucky to have you even if she doesn't appreciate it.
My Nan, thankfully is happy that I sort it all for her, but she still keeps asking me the same stuff over again, lost count of how many times I've explained the bank statement - still says her money is going down!!!!! Since she's now started getting Attendance Allowance, pension credit etc, it's actually going up, up and up, despite the care bills and meals bills. Given up explaining, if she asks I just draw a deep breath - still at least she puts everything out for me now and says "I don't understand it". You have my sympathy as your Mum obviously believes she can manage. Try to remember when she is like this, that it is her illness that is talking.

 

[knackered]

Thank you to all who have posted on this thread. It gives me some consolation to know that I'm not the only carer to experience the occasional shouting match, the 'paperwork' problems, the 'I manage perfectly well without your help' (if only!) scenarios etc.

The strategies some of you have suggested sound a good idea. And I look forward to retaining more of my hair (having to tear less of it out).

 

[knackered]

Er me again. Speaking as yet another daughter who had what can best be described as a 'strained' relationship with their mother, I'm relieved that I'm not so unusual on that score either! The one area that an AZ mum can still exert power, when they- even subconsciously- know they are losing it elsewhere, is over their children. As they live ever further in the past, so much from one's childhood resurfaces, and despite my best intentions it's difficult not to get dragged back with my mother to those unhappy times and 'differences of opinion'. I just have to remind myself that this difficult time is now an opportunity to try to love her as I never could before.