I shouldn't smile but .......

[Emmcee]

Hi there,
Well, it's now 8 days since I moved my Mum into residential care and less than 10 hours since I last visited She's hydrated, eating well, participating in daily activites and generally looking well. I see/speak to her with regularity although she's basically forgotten any such interactions within a few minutes ....

But .... on a more humorous note......

Notwithstanding the 20+ calls per hour she was making to me when she was living alone in her own home, for 20 years I have phoned Mum at 6pm every night.

This evening, the phone rings at 17.45pm

Me: "Oh, you're early"
Mum: "Yes dear. What am I doing back here?"
Me: "Back where?" (I was a bit slow on the uptake )
Mum: "Here. Here. You took me home yesterday and now I'm back here!"
Me: Oh. Have a wee look in your diary.
Mum: " Tuesday 28th xxx, close to Morag. Morag visited at 9am. Monday 27th. xxx, close to Morag. Morag visited at 9am........ Sunday 26th xxx close to Morag." ... Oh, Okay dear but I know you took me home yesterday and I really think I've been here for long enough."...........(long long pause...) ....
"Now this is really quite ridiculous. I've had enough of this. I'm going to bed!" (Phone slams down)

Phone rings again at 18.00 ..... "Now I've been here quite long enough, are you on your way? .....No? ....." (Phone slams down again)

Suffice it to say that when I phoned the Care Home, the staff report that my Mum is quite calm and watching her TV

 

[Grannie G]

It`s good to hear @Emmcee and will be reassuring for you.

 

[Lawson58]

Hi there,
Well, it's now 8 days since I moved my Mum into residential care and less than 10 hours since I last visited She's hydrated, eating well, participating in daily activites and generally looking well. I see/speak to her with regularity although she's basically forgotten any such interactions within a few minutes ....

But .... on a more humorous note......

Notwithstanding the 20+ calls per hour she was making to me when she was living alone in her own home, for 20 years I have phoned Mum at 6pm every night.

This evening, the phone rings at 17.45pm

Me: "Oh, you're early"
Mum: "Yes dear. What am I doing back here?"
Me: "Back where?" (I was a bit slow on the uptake )
Mum: "Here. Here. You took me home yesterday and now I'm back here!"
Me: Oh. Have a wee look in your diary.
Mum: " Tuesday 28th xxx, close to Morag. Morag visited at 9am. Monday 27th. xxx, close to Morag. Morag visited at 9am........ Sunday 26th xxx close to Morag." ... Oh, Okay dear but I know you took me home yesterday and I really think I've been here for long enough."...........(long long pause...) ....
"Now this is really quite ridiculous. I've had enough of this. I'm going to bed!" (Phone slams down)

Phone rings again at 18.00 ..... "Now I've been here quite long enough, are you on your way? .....No? ....." (Phone slams down again)

Suffice it to say that when I phoned the Care Home, the staff report that my Mum is quite calm and watching her TV

We seemed to have entered a new phase in my husband’s years of Alzheimer’s and he is now having a few problems with using his two(!!!’) computers. Of course, he never updates things and sometimes agrees to things he shouldn’t. Problems.

Recently, my granddaughter came and spent some time sorting a few things out for him on the iMac but last night right on bedtime, he came in told me that I needed to help him again. My response was that it could wait until the morning and that is when the fun started.

He exploded and accused of me of never doing anything for him, that I never want to help him and on and on it went with him finally telling me I would have to move out.

He stomped off to bed but was determined to keep it going this morning and insisted on having a ‘talk’about it. He acknowledged that money was going to be an issue for me to move out so this was how it went.

Him: I am going to live in the study so we won’t have to see each other.

Me: So where are you going to sleep?

Him: In my bedroom of course.

Me: And where are you going to shower and use the toilet?

Him: In the bathroom. Duhhhh!

Me: And cooking? What about your meals?

Him: In the kitchen.

Me: So nothing has changed then?

Him: Well. Yes because I am not going to talk to you again. You won’t ever have to do anything for me again.

Me: OK So how are you going to manage doing everything like food shopping, doctors, dentist (etc etc etc)?

Him: I have worked it all out. I can catch buses and I can walk. Now, how much money do I get from the carer’s allowance?

Me: You don’t get anything from carer’s allowance. I get the allowance because I am the carer.

Him: (Shocked). Why do you get it? You don’t do anything! !!!! (Really?)

More of the same for a while then he said that I was going to have to tell my children that he and I were no longer a couple and that he wouldn’t be going to any family functions in the future.

I gave up and walked out. It was a stunning spring day so I took myself to a great little place by the sea, walked around the marina to the beach and found a nice place for lunch.

 

[Emmcee]

But y'know, even although it may not seem funny at the time, it does make you realise just how "different" the thinking processes of our loved ones are and you have got to find humour - and the opportunity to calm down - where you can

 

[Emmcee]

So Mum has now been in this lovely, wee, residential home for 3 weeks.
Week 1, She thought it was great – treating the experience as a holiday. Interacted with others and participated in all activities on offer.
Weeks 2 & 3 have been quite challenging and she is currently behaving much like a stroppy teenager. (I must add that this is not all dementia related but is a pattern of behaviour seen with Mum when she doesn’t get her own way.) When I visited yesterday the unrelenting attack started as soon as I walked in the door.
She complained about being bored, of having nothing to do, of nobody listening to what she wanted etc. etc. etc.
I mentioned that I was surprised that she was choosing to sit in her room all day and how she wasn’t even doing the things that she used to do at home e.g. stroke/ brush/ talk to her companion cat; watch her TV & read the newspaper…. And how much she had enjoyed her first week because she did x, y & z.
Anyway, she was having none of it, so I chose to remove myself from the situation, said goodbye and was standing outside, speaking to the Care Home Manager.
A couple of minutes later, Mum’s door opened, bag on arm, newspaper in hand – it looked as if she was actually going to walk down to the sitting room. She took one look at me and yelled: “You said you were going! You should just go right now and never come back” …. She then turned on her heel and went back into her room, slamming the door behind her. …… (Obviously, at this stage I was expected to do what she wanted )
Less than 1 minute later, out comes Mum again, takes one look at me .... "So you are still here are you? I told you to go! ".... once again she stomped back into her room, slamming the door behind her.

She is obviously remembering that it only takes me 10 minutes to get home and a minute or two to open/close the door because 15 minutes later, the home phone rang…….. “You are coming to see me tomorrow aren’t you?”
Maybe I shouldn't smile but this is just typical of my Mum - not my Mum with dementia but just my Mum.

 

[Sarasa]

My mum veered between being a tired toddler and a stroppy teenager at this stage in her dementia. When she was at home she did the sort of risky things teenagers do because she thought she knew best. Like your mum she was very unsettled when she first moved into care. I think it might help if you don't always pick up the phone to her, and if you don't go and visit too frequently. That way she'll have to get used to looking to the staff for help rather than you.

 

[jugglingmum]

My mum had a crisis and stayed with me on and off for 3 months (the off bit she went to my brothers for alternate fortnights).

At the time my children were 8 and 12 - and I could definitely see toddler/young child type behaviour in her. I (to some extent automatically given the then ages of my children) responded to her as if she was a toddler/young child. It did amuse me afterwards.

One incident was my brother and I decided to make Sunday bath day - to counteract her refusal to wash - and provide consistency she was then capable of grasping (she knew what day it was) so one Sunday morning I said right it's bath day today, she said it's too early, I'll do it later etc and I was just very firm and repetitive (broken record technique - I did find management course techniques more useful with children than at work) until she went for her bath.

Once she was in the bath I had to go downstairs and laugh about the excuses being the sort my kids had produced when they hadn't wanted to do anything.

I do think some pre dementia traits are exaggerated in a PWD, and the stubbornness does seem to come out.

 

[Lawson58]

I was a teacher for many years and for a long time my strategies for managing small children worked very well with my husband. There were distinct similarities and I mostly was able to anticipate and side step issues. Up till now that is and we are still in meltdown mode. I have no idea of where we go from here.

The odd part is that I feel totally unmoved by it all but am grateful that I can still see the funny side of some things.

 

[CAL Y]

My husbands latest trick is to nudge me awake in the middle of the the night and talk to me.
Not a clue what he’s saying just rambling random words.
I have started picking up the thread from one of the random words and joining in with a totally bonkers conversation.
Doesn’t seem funny when I’m groaning with lack of sleep but the next day I find it hilarious.
Aaargh. Someone get me out of this madhouse.??

 

[jennifer1967]

i can hold a conversation with my husband while asleep. we now sleep in separate rooms but apparently it was quite a skill and quite entertaining.

 

[Moggymad]

I also had bizarre conversations with my mum at times. When she was in hospital she had plenty to say about the nurses that was going round taking blood pressure. Mums conversation was simply noises & half words aimed at the nurse in a tone of ' she needn't think she's going to do that to me...' I answered as though I understood everything & mum nodded in agreement with more garbled threats to the nurse. Didn't realise at the time it was start of delirium but I videoed our chat. She died 2 weeks later & that was the last 'conversation' we had. I often replay it just to feel close to her again.

 

[Emmcee]

My mum veered between being a tired toddler and a stroppy teenager at this stage in her dementia. When she was at home she did the sort of risky things teenagers do because she thought she knew best. Like your mum she was very unsettled when she first moved into care. I think it might help if you don't always pick up the phone to her, and if you don't go and visit too frequently. That way she'll have to get used to looking to the staff for help rather than you.

In many respects you are quite right. It's difficult to explain, but there's just a subtle difference between the stroppy teenager behaviour of my Mum who has dementia versus my Mum behaving like a stroppy teenager because she's just being her bloody-minded self .... that was the person she was yesterday. We've been fortunate insofar as we have always had a very close relationship, filled with banter and laughter, so when I see sparks of the person she used to be, I'm trying to respond appropriately and find humour in any situation - even if it's only vagueably smileable or short-lived in duration.
With regard to the phone calls, I've set limits insofar as she's learnt pretty quickly that I will not answer the phone between the hours of 8pm - 8am but will speak to her at our regular time slot of 6pm. For the third evening now, she's called me at 6pm on the dot. Outwith these times she has only phoned - maybe half a dozen times - to apologise for her behaviour, to confirm that I'm going to visit or, interestingly, to discuss the current situation and the implications in a calm & rational manner. (When she phones at such times, I only pick up the phone whilst listening to the message she's leaving.) Before going into care, she was phoning up to 12 times an hour, so the telephone calls alone are a huge improvement .
I did limit my visits until a few days ago because I wanted to give her the opportunity to settle but her behaviour was becoming increasingly atrocious and I was more concerned about her being asked to leave. (I have no doubt that she was feeling insecure & scared and her child-like tantrums were reflective of this). I then changed tack and thought she might improve should I attempt to establish the kind of rigid routine that she has always maintained & required throughout her life (boarding school has a lot to answer for). In doing so, for two days now she's been doing exactly as she used to, prior to and following my departure ........... only problem is that she hasn't yet learnt that I am now doing my shopping etc. after having visiting her so cannot possibly get home within the 15 minutes she has given me before she phones home to make sure I am okay )
It may all seem really OTT to some but, for me, this is my Mum behaving more like my Mum during her more stable periods.

 

[Emmcee]

My husbands latest trick is to nudge me awake in the middle of the the night and talk to me.
Not a clue what he’s saying just rambling random words.
I have started picking up the thread from one of the random words and joining in with a totally bonkers conversation.
Doesn’t seem funny when I’m groaning with lack of sleep but the next day I find it hilarious.
Aaargh. Someone get me out of this madhouse.??

I don't know how to add one of those smiley things to show someone laughing!!!!

 

[Emmcee]

I also had bizarre conversations with my mum at times. When she was in hospital she had plenty to say about the nurses that was going round taking blood pressure. Mums conversation was simply noises & half words aimed at the nurse in a tone of ' she needn't think she's going to do that to me...' I answered as though I understood everything & mum nodded in agreement with more garbled threats to the nurse. Didn't realise at the time it was start of delirium but I videoed our chat. She died 2 weeks later & that was the last 'conversation' we had. I often replay it just to feel close to her again.

Yes, times like this can evoke so many emotions ..... smiley, warm & cuddley as well as sad. I'm so pleased you still have the video.
Many years ago I treated a patient who had a delirium and was incredibly agitated. Florence, Zebedee and Dougal were on their Magic Roundabout - right outside the windows of the ward - and asking Mrs X to join them....... Many months later, she could still remember her hallucinations.

 

[Emmcee]

i can hold a conversation with my husband while asleep. we now sleep in separate rooms but apparently it was quite a skill and quite entertaining.

My husband does this too ...... it's not always terribly sensible and he never remembers any details when he wakes up and he doesn't even have dementia!

 

[Emmcee]

I was a teacher for many years and for a long time my strategies for managing small children worked very well with my husband. There were distinct similarities and I mostly was able to anticipate and side step issues. Up till now that is and we are still in meltdown mode. I have no idea of where we go from here.

The odd part is that I feel totally unmoved by it all but am grateful that I can still see the funny side of some things.

I tend to do likewise insofar as I often find myself switching back into therapist mode but still try to find humour in situations - in part because it's a self coping mechanism but also because it can help the person with whom one is dealing.

 

[Emmcee]

My mum had a crisis and stayed with me on and off for 3 months (the off bit she went to my brothers for alternate fortnights).

At the time my children were 8 and 12 - and I could definitely see toddler/young child type behaviour in her. I (to some extent automatically given the then ages of my children) responded to her as if she was a toddler/young child. It did amuse me afterwards.

One incident was my brother and I decided to make Sunday bath day - to counteract her refusal to wash - and provide consistency she was then capable of grasping (she knew what day it was) so one Sunday morning I said right it's bath day today, she said it's too early, I'll do it later etc and I was just very firm and repetitive (broken record technique - I did find management course techniques more useful with children than at work) until she went for her bath.

Once she was in the bath I had to go downstairs and laugh about the excuses being the sort my kids had produced when they hadn't wanted to do anything.

I do think some pre dementia traits are exaggerated in a PWD, and the stubbornness does seem to come out.

Yep! (Please imagine I have added one of those LOL smiley things .... and will someone please tell me how to do them?)
One of the things I find interesting is that the training & books all too often refer to the childlike behaviour but always in such a clinical way. They never indicate the joy and humour that can actually be obtained or do they ever indicate how to utilise some of those traits in a positive way.

 

[jennifer1967]

if you go on your space, click on 3 dots then smily face comes up so then click on that

 

[Emmcee]

if you go on your space, click on 3 dots then smily face comes up so then click on that

Emm..... methinks I am still doing something wrong

 

[jennifer1967]

Emm..... methinks I am still doing something wrong

youve managed the smiley