I seem to be two different people.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by TriciaBee, Jul 2, 2019.

  1. TriciaBee

    TriciaBee Registered User

    Jul 27, 2018
    16
    When my husband phones me from the Care Home he sounds almost normal but when I am there he thinks I’m the ‘other me’ and talks to me as though he hates me.
    I am trying to cut down on my visiting but it’s hard. He has started taking all his clothes out of his wardrobe -(not easy, as he is in a wheelchair) -and putting them on his bed - ready for going home! - he doesn’t actually know where home is.
    At times I take him out for lunch but I can’t stand the way looks at me.
    The staff at the home say that he is ok, so perhaps I’m doing more harm than good by spending so much time there.
    I’m at my wits end - and I am drinking far too much wine.
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, this duplication of people is common in dementia
    Yes, you have been advised lots of times to cut down on your visiting and to lose the phone.

    You are making yourself very ill. If you end up in hospital you wont be able to visit at all
     
  3. TriciaBee

    TriciaBee Registered User

    Jul 27, 2018
    16
    I do know this. I think today has been the turning point. I didn’t think I could feel this bad. Tomorrow will be the start of a new way of life for me. Thank you for your support.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))) @TriciaBee

    It is not easy to make a new start and the guilt monster will be whispering in your ear.
    Stand firm
     
  5. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    520
    Scotland
    Can I join you TriciaBee?
    I have been visiting OH mostly every day - I have noticed that our friends on TP often advise on less frequent visits but it's not easy to visit less, is it?
    I hope you manage to do something else tomorrow - I think I shall go shopping, maybe find a couple of nice summer tops.
     
  6. Ernest

    Ernest Registered User

    Jan 23, 2018
    80
    It has taken me a year to find a routine for visiting my OH in his CH. I don't think " one size fits all" I don't think anyone can say how much or often to visit as everyone is different. I still find it very difficult as my OH is so smiley and pleasant to the carers but when he's with me he's often irritable and hardly ever smiles. The thing which keeps me going is that because I'm not with him 24/7 I'm able to rise above the verbal aggression. Before going in I take a deep breath, smile and think about the G&T I'll have later !! I go every Sun, Mon, Wed & Fri afternoon. I arrive at either 2or4 pm depending on if I'm working or not and I leave at 6pm. He's accepted that as he goes to bed at 6pm. He thinks I go to bed then too although I'm not entirely sure where he thinks I sleep!! I don't bother him with that detail but play along with the concept. Before we established this routine I would have an awful time trying to get away. He would cry and beg me to stay. One thing for certain is that for my OH who has FTD, routine is paramount. I write down in a diary when my next visit is. I know it's crazy and I'm committed to this routine too, but it's a small price to pay for the assurance that he is safe. He doesn't ever mention anything about when he last saw me, what we did or watched on TV. I don't either . I've decided the way I'm handling this is to make his life as less stressful as possible and to avoid upsetting him. He thinks that I work on the days I don't see him doing a longer shift so it would be too late to go to him. This way I do get 2 whole days to myself although I'm always thinking about him. I wouldn't presume to say this is the perfect solution but for now it'll do !!
     
  7. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,318
    Female
    South of the Border
    I agree, one size does not fit all - well, not all the time! When our OH's go into a care home we each have to do what is best for them and us. My OH is still at home, but all the little 'love lies' bother me - but generally, he is happy. I am not happy at all, but that is the nature of the thing that is dementia....
     
  8. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    241
    MOH is not in care, but still in hospital after over two months. I feel so guilty if I don't visit every day. I have started to have one day 'off' a week, but that is often spent catching up on the work in the house and garden. It's all very well to say I go too often, but no-one else has my conscience, so cannot judge. I must do as I need for my mind to be clear of worry. Do what makes YOU happy.
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, we all have to do what is best and there is no "one size fits all", but we have to look at the whole situation.

    TriciaBee is falling apart, drinking too much and her husband is not settling. If you read her previous posts you will see that she has posted about this many times and many people have advised that she is visiting too much - it is not helping her, or her husband..
    It is all too easy to end up doing things that dont benefit either yourself, or your person with dementia, simply because you feel guilty. There is no reason to feel guilty, BTW, we can only do what we can do - but trying to do more than that is a sure way of becoming ill.
     
  10. Bree

    Bree Registered User

    Oct 16, 2013
    241
    If TriciaBee has posted this many times, then it seems to follow that she isn't heeding your advice.
    Speaking for myself I know exactly how she feels, reassurance and support is what she needs I think.
     
  11. Ernest

    Ernest Registered User

    Jan 23, 2018
    80
    I agree with Bree. This isn't the place to be judgemental but supportive. We all have to "suck it and see" as my Adult Mental Health advisor told me when my OH was first diagnosed !! Who knows how much our OH remembers anyway.
     
  12. Ernest

    Ernest Registered User

    Jan 23, 2018
    80
    I'm
    Hi TriciaBee. I hope that you have read the posts. I can empathize totally with you. I just wanted to say that after my visits I quite often sit in the car for a few minutes, crying my eyes out as I feel so guilty and helpless. We don't have any children so basically it's all down to me. I hope that you have a supportive network. I have friends who are brilliant. Do what you find some for you and don't worry what others may think. One thing though, do have sometime off. You'll be less tired and more able to enjoy the time you have with your OH. I take mine a bottle of beer and myself a little bottle of wine which we sit and enjoy together. Take care x
     
  13. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    520
    Scotland
    #13 Lilac Blossom, Jul 4, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2019
    As TriciaBee hasn't posted again I hope she is OK. Please let us know TriciaBee. x

    I have not read the previous posts by TriciaBee mentioned by Canary but I also am finding it very difficult to "back off" by not visiting OH every single day, in spite of having noticed numerous posts giving advice on visiting less often. It's not guilt that I feel - the last thing I ever wanted was for OH to be in care home but dementia decided otherwise and the matter was taken out of my hands totally. Not guilt but an immense, overwhelming sadness which follows me and hangs over me like a cloud.

    I spent some time today wandering around the shops with very little enthusiasm or sense of purpose but I know that I should try to find something for me to do or become involved in so I must persevere. I know that this is not unique to me but that does not make it easy for me and everyone else, including TriciaBee.


    PS
    Have just seen post by Ernest - like you I am often in tears on way home from visit. I do not drive but I use a short cut, where I seldom see anyone, to walk home and the tears flow. I am on my own too - we have no family here and sadly most of our friends are no longer around.
     
  14. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    I am very sorry @Bree , @Ernest and @Lilac Blossom that you feel that i am being judgemental. That was not my intention. I am actually very concerned for TriciaBee as I feel that she is heading either towards a nervous breakdown or some serious health issue, so I decided to be very blunt.

    if you read her back story you will see the problems. It is not just me giving her this advice.
     
  15. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    520
    Scotland
    Canary, no way am I saying you were judgemental, simply that I had not read the posts on other threads and therefore my post was based on this thread alone. I shall try to find and read those posts.

    lilac x
     

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