I screamed and yelled at mum

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Stimpfig, Oct 26, 2005.

  1. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    Hi everybody

    I wish I were an epitome of virtue but alas, I yelled and screamed at mum today and was full of remorse later. I would like to justify it and say, well, it was my hormones. I let go a torrent of past resentments although it made no sense to my mum at all. It's just that she opened some milk cartons, some orange juice, mixed it all up in a cooking pot and then dropped it all on the kitchen floor - what a mess ! There are days when I am driven up the wall . The way things are, I should be yelling practically every hour but console myself by saying that I do it only at the rate of say, once a week. This everyday caring, year after year, is taking its toll.

    Just wanted to get it off my chest! Thank you for Listening.

    Sue Stimpfig
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    It probably won't be the last time you scream at your mother. I've screamed at my mother also. And no, it's not productive and yes, I feel guilty afterwards.

    But we're human and can only do the best we can. In a perfect world, our mothers would be well and themselves again.

  3. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    #3 Mjaqmac, Oct 26, 2005
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2005
    Sue I know it's very upsetting when you let rip like that, I did it many times with my own mother, but you have to remember you are under tremendous strain and doing the work of an army of people. Caring involves so many duties and stresses of course you are going to loss your temper, it makes you feel bad but when you look at the overall picture of your life and how you're devoting it to the care of your loved one you should be very proud of yourself indeed.

    An alternative therapist once told me to yell in the shower because the water takes away the negative energy and you can't be heard too much. You've heard of singing in the rain, try yelling in the shower! It worked for me.

    Best wishes.
  4. Bets

    Bets Registered User

    Aug 11, 2005
    South-East London, UK
    Dear Sue,

    Please, please, don't beat yourself up over this. Of course you feel guilty, of course you wish you hadn't shouted at your mum but we are none of us saints, just human beings, doing the best each of us can do at any given moment, and sometimes the best we can do is scream! You may feel rotten for a while but, if your mum is anything like my husband, she will just look rather puzzled at your outburst and promptly forget all about it.

    You love your mother and you are doing your best for her.

  5. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    I have wanted to scream, wring my mother's neck and leave home today. I'm pleased to know that I'm not alone. It is NOT easy, so if you promise not to worry too much, I'll try, too.
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Hey, so we are all human! I know I had a good rant sometimes. We would both yell, then I would start to cry and Mum would put her arms round me just as she always had done. Even in the midst of wanting to strangle each other, we were so close and it was so apparent that she was still MY MUM!! Almost made the rant worthwhile because we would hug, tell each other sorry and be closer for it somehow. Thinking of you all, dont beat yourselves up, its not in the rule book!! Lotsaluv, She. XX
  7. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Lionel was so horrid last night that I not only yelled at him I slept in the spare room. As I have to hold him in bed, and put the lights on when he goes to the toilet etc. you would think that this would register. NO. As the arguement started because he wanted to turn the lights out, I also left him in the dark.

    Result I spent a sleepless night, he slept like a baby, didn't get up once (I would hear him immediately). However he has been in a strange mood all day, can't get through to him. Seems counter productive now, but at the time I lost it. How do you all stay sane. Lionel is off to respite tomorrow AND IT CAN'T COME QUICK ENOUGH.

  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    All of us are only weak frail humans,not super people.
    We are all under massive pressures,stress is a killer and if sometimes we didn't blow we would crack up.
    I get mad with Peg and then I am full of remorse and want to say how sorry I am
    To apologise would be a waste of time because by then she has forgotten all about it.
    I find the way is to keep the thought in the back of your mind that your loved one will not remember and will not think any the less of you.
  9. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    I do hope that you feel much better when you get your break,you have had a rough time lately.
    Connie haven't you learned yet that you cannot argue with Lionel?
    I think it was Bruce that first said it"you cannot reason with the unreasonable".
    It will get better,it may go bad again later but we have to enjoy the bit in the middle/
    Here is a big hug for youhug
    Warm wishes
  10. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    Must be something about Halloween week !! My Dad passed out and we had to rush him to the hospital where he is two days now into many test. So Mom is in my full time care and OH MY GOSH, it has been unbelievably difficult. I just thought I knew how it was but not doing it 24/7, I had no idea what my Dad has been dealing with constantly.
    She can't be left at home so I've had her stay at my house and she must have said " I want to go home" one hundred times last night. Then it was" I want to go to the hospital", and when we would get there she would be back to " I want to go home" . Then today she insisted she could stay alone and we had a huge argument, something we never do. Got very huffy with each other and weren't speaking. Well, must have done some good, she is now asleep in the guest room at my house!
    I do not know what we will do if anything happens to my Dad and she has to live with us full time. It was an eye opener for sure. Herding cats would be easier!!

  11. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Connie

    easy to answer.

    We don't.

    We find a level of constructive insanity if we are lucky.

    Hang on in there. Things will go up and down in this process.
  12. jenny millen

    jenny millen Registered User

    Oct 26, 2005
    Mottingham, London, SE9

    Hi Connie

    I joined the group yesterday. Its SO hard trying to cope - we've all felt very sorry for ourselves at some stage and there is nothing wrong it in Connie and I can truly understand how you feel about respite. We have never had to look after our Mum as she went into care fairly quickly as the illness took over very quickly. She was lucky enough to be able to go to a day centre before things got bad but we felt so guilty about having to go down the route of a care home. Things have got better now that we have found the right home but there were times when we lost our temper with Mum. I remember shouting at her once when she didn't get to the toilet in time but I got shouted at back and it taught me a lesson. It was still very hard though not to loose it when I couldn't get her to understand me or what I wanted her to do. Now we go down a different route when asking her to do something and have learnt to take our time with her - she can't be rushed as she will tell us her own way if we do. Its like going back to school and learning all our social skills again - she has certainly taught us how to be more patient.

    We learnt that with Mum if we laugh a lot (not easy I can tell you sometimes as you cry inside a lot) with her to makes it easier to get her to do something.

    Take care Connie.

  13. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005

    What a brilliant turn of phrase Bruce - that's got to be the alias for the ATP board, :D the Level of Constructive Insanity!
  14. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Poor Sue,

    If you didn't let out some of the stress & frustration, you wouldn't be human, &/or you would become ill yourself.

    Forgive yourself; your Mother has probably already forgotten it anyway, so file it away under "history".

    Best Wishes
  15. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    Hi everybody,

    I thank you all for your responses. I must say it makes such a BIG difference when you share with people who are in the same predicament. I had been searching for an online support group for a long time and am glad to have found one at last. The hand-holding has indeed helped me to carry on this arduous journey and I know now that when the going gets tough, I have you all there, virtually :)

    Thank you, once again.

    Sue Stimpfig

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