Hi

I need help, as does my father! actually my father is in need of a lot of help!

Long, long story cut short. Myself and my siblings as well as my mother, have promised for as long as I can remember that neither of my parents would end up in a home. We have always promised.

My father had a fall, had urinary and blood infection. Mother and siblings have been telling hubby and I he is a vegetable. Hubby and I have been visiting in hospital only to find he has mental capacity, can hold a conversation (briefly) but is most certainly not a vegetable!

Fallout has occurred hubby and I are liars, he cannot hold a conversation!
Mother is ill and cannot look after him, so she has sent him to a care home. We have facilities here to look after him. (Built for my mother whose health improved).
Father in a very parocial area and hubby and I live 200 miles away.

My fathers wishes are entirely governed by my mother's health. We are sick and tired of being told by hospitals and now certain members of the care home that my mother is not well and cannot look after him. There is no power of attorney!

My father's life (what remains of it). is now being governed by my mother's health. I have stated that my father made his wishes clear that he never wanted to be in a care home. The nurse informs me tonight that he will never leave the care home as mother cannot look after him. I said that that had no basis in law and that my father is protected by the mental capacity act, he having made his wishes known prior to his fall.

My mother having placed him in a care home, wouldn't upgrade his room, 'its not important' won't despite 3 months of us trying to engage him, offer photos, familiar items, will only visit 1/2 hour at a time per day. 'I'm not well'.
Nurse informs us tonight despite my father requesting EVERY TIME we visit to take him away from here (hospital/care home) that my mothers rights are what matters.
How is this possible?
How do I get him out?
How do I prove we can look after him?
What does it take to get social services/assesment doctors and care home managers to speak with each other and get their fingers out? - My father is deteriorating and needs to be in a loving environment.
What do you do?

I love my father who is not being exercised, who has gone from cavalry twills and made to measure sports jacket to my mother's preferred George jogging bottoms and jumpers. He has been humiliated!

Please help.

 

Beate and tryingmybest
Thank you for your comments, my mother is visiting at the moment, but will stop!
Her health will not improve!
Her guilt now, is not helping her health!

My siblings are on an offensive, 'one down lets protect the other'. We checked the visitors book, they are not visiting.

Dad wants out! has he dementia? they are still not sure! the assesment took place Thursday, despite me asking for this to be done in 4 - 6 weeks after we brought him to us, in a familiar surrounding supported cared for 24 hours a day!

Mum doesn't want the vegetable but over her dead body will we have him! we have suggested that her mind is not what it was, only to be shouted down.

Dad is miserable and every time I visit 4 hours every 2 weeks, when I do not take him out he tells me I've let him down!

Mum is entering the care home through the back door, so she doesn't have to sign in and let very one know how much she isn't visiting. - Clearly a problem for fire, but the care home are OK with this as 'mum' is not well.

Parocial doesn't even go into it. Even the care home said she said 'The room doesn't matter' they themselves are pretty much stupified that she won't bring in reminders for him. But 'she is what matters!'

My concern is, what about him? what about what he wishes?

I read the mental capacity act, which states his wishes are what matters, but when it comes down to it, the MCA means nothing at all!

I'm destraught, having promised my hands are tied, and the only option open to me is to visit my father one last time and tell him I cannot honour my promise as his wife wants him in a care home and she wont honour her promise to him!

 

Beate
Totaly agree with you, the room doesn't matter. £25 per week and my mother could have got him a room, more like he was accustomed to. BUT mum is now saving every penny to make sure she has the money to have home help, to make sure she isn't put into a care home.
I have seen both sides, trust me! I have had to tell mother and siblings the way they spoke to my father was abuse, only to be told he didn't understand 'it' won't remember!

I trully have seen both sides. Its not pretty!

I have seen my father spoken to like a dog, I have seen him dejected, only to be be 'normal' when not shouted at and shouted down.

Which side do you think I should consider?

 

Beate

Just to be clear I have spent several fortnights with my parents caring for my mother and her health. Sleeping on the floor for 2 weeks on one occasion, she spoke to me like dirt the entire fortnight!

If I didn't love her I wouldn't have looked after her. God knows my siblings did't want to 'they' had jobs and couldn't take any time off work!

I on the other hand, bought and sold 3x in two years in order to put disabled facilites on the 3rd house for my mothers deteriorating health, which improved.

Do not assume I am a bad guy. I was looking out for both of them!

 

I know you are right, I say it, I want to tell him I cannot keep my promise. But the truth is I could not, nor would I ever betray my mother!

But I just do not know how I tell him why I can't get him out of there.

He is constantly telling me I've let him down and it hurts so, so much. But when I tried telling the others, they told me I was a liar, he never said it and he was a vegetable!

But why does he not have rights?

 

Hi Beate

" weeks ago, we gave up on mum trying to engage him with any photos, so we printed out a google streetlife image of his house.

I said to him 'Dad if you keep on eating the next move will be home' showed him the photo of his house.

'No, I have had years of being told what I can and cannot do there, put me in a taxi and send me to xxxx'

As to my mother not being able to care for him, I offered to move home 5 weeks in 8 and bring them both to me for a further 2 weeks!

We offered to convert their garage into a downstairs bedroom /bath/wetroom which would also be there for my mother when her health deteriorated! Do you know what she said?
'No the house will be worth less, I'll never get my money back if I sell it!'
And it is this attitude my siblings are supporting!

 

I offered to do just that! With me or in their house.

 

Sleepless

I agree with you, but everytime we visit my father he asks us why we are arguing with my mother - We are not - We are constantly shouted down, screamed at, barked at, etc.

We taped it and kept on taping it, until I could talk to them no more. We have played and repalyed the tapes, what I or my hubby said does not reflect what is said in response. The response has never had any bearing to what was said and in what manner it was said.

My mother has painted me and my hubby black, to my father! - We know because my father tells us!

BUT we are liars, because they never said it and my father is a vegetable so he can't be believed! phone hung up!

 

Sleepless

Slight problem there, I've tried it! and he looks at me and says 'Don't use your bloody bull**** on me, I'm not that far gone yet'! 4 days ago

So sleepless what would you do?