I quit

[rummy]

Hi all,
I haven't been on in a few days because things have been just upside down here. My Dad made out his new wills, power of attorney and advanced directive and then very slickly had me sign tihe poa without reading it first. If you learn nothing else from me, learn this ! Don't ever sign anything without reading it !! I know better but being trusting, I just assumed it was as we had discussed. When I finally had time to read it I discovered that he had made my step sister who lives in another state "joint" attorney-in-fact with me. That means she would have to sign everything from financial to medical with me. Since it is my mother that has AD, my step sister would have to sign off on every decision made for her. After many battles and hurt feelings, my step Dad says he will change it back. We shall see !
Besides that, my Mom refuses to go back to the day care program I found for her and my step Dad will do nothing to get her there.
More than once this last week I said to myself "I QUIT" Let one of the other siblings do this, I'm done. Of course I wouldn't do that but I am really worn out and am feeling very used and taken advantage of right now.
My FIL has terminal lung cancer too which has been stressful. So we are planning a long weekend to help after his next chemo. That is a 10 hour drive north.
Ok, I have poured out my frustrations, thanks to all who listen!! I know you have all been there in one way or another and it really helps to vent.
Debbie
ps
To all that I told I was going to try an anti-anxiety drug to help my Mom sleep through the night when my Dad was in the hospital overnight last week........it didn't work but she wassssss mmmmeeeeellllloooowwww.
I unscrewed all the light bulbs in the guest room overhead so she couldn't turn the light on in the middle of the night and I hung a sign on the door saying," Debbie is sleeping" so she would remember I was there. Worked pretty well.

 

[Lynne]

... I discovered that he had made my step sister who lives in another state "joint" attorney-in-fact with me. That means she would have to sign everything from financial to medical with me.

Debbie, are you sure that you have that right? Obviously there may be differences with USA vs. GB law, but I have enduring PoA jointly with my Mum's brother, and we can act "jointly or severally" (severally meaning separately in this context).

Completely understand your frustration, hurt and fury though. Sometimes you wish you could wash your hands of the whole affair, so you don't keep bashing your head against that brick wall!

Best wishes

 

[rummy]

Hi Lynne,
If he had stated on the poa that we could act severally it would have been ok, but it just says Debbie and Pam. If she lived in the same city I'm sure we could work it out but she is 4 hours away. He is going to chage it so I am primary and she is the alternate ( he says he will anyway). That way Mom is covered if something happens to me.
He was very sneaky about the whole thing and only sent my step sister the last page to sign. Of course the notary wouldn't sign it and he then had to send all the papers. So I guess he didn't want my step sister to know what she was signing either and she isn't happy with the way it is set up either. It would have been so nice if he had talked to us before he did this. The whole thing is weird and now my relationship with my Dad is strained. I am beginning to think he is slipping mentally too

Debbie

 

[Brucie]

Hi Debbie

I am beginning to think he is slipping mentally too

Probably yes, but not in the way I think you mean.

The strain of having a wife/partner with dementia and seeing them slipping away does put an immense burden on the mind. One feels one should be superhuman and cover every eventuality, so one tends to overcomplicate one's view of things, and one's actions.

It is strange, on the one hand the person with dementia begins to take a very simple and direct view on life - Jan often used to say something so basic that at first I would regard as outlandish.... then I would back up and think "d'you know, she is quite right".

Trouble is, as they take a more simple view of things if is almost as if the partner has to ramp up their views to be more complicated to provide some sort of average between the two.

It is a good thing that you and your step sister seem of a mind on this.

Try not to let it strain your relationship with your Dad. Apply some of the infinite dementia-caring patience to him as well... it will work, if not immediately.

Best wishes

 

[rummy]

Thank you for your insight and perspective Bruce. I truely feel better now. I hadn't looked at it from his side at all and have just been mystified as to why he is actting this way. Even though we all show it differently, we all have my Mom's best interest at heart. He just hadn't looked at how complicated he was going to make our lives by doing it this way.

Debbie

 

[Amy]

Hiya Debbie,

Sorry that you are feeling so low. It is so frustrating when the main carer takes a course of action that you don't feel is in the best interest of the sufferer, and one that you know is going to course you more difficulties. It sounds as though you have done the right thing talking to your step dad, lets just hope that he makes the changes quickly, then your mind will be easier.

Obviously you won't quit, but maybe if your stepdad will not encourage your mum to go to the day care program, you have to take a step back. If he is prepared to be caring for her at home, that is his decision. Maybe he'll then see why the daycare is important. As daughters we can encourage and support, but we have to allow parents to make (what we might consider) their own mistakes. How the roles reverse!

Hope today has been better for you.

Best wishes
Amy

 

[Amy]

Me again Debbie,
I started the reply at 10am then had to go out midway; hadn't read the posts that came in the interim period.
Amy

 

[Michael E]

rummy hi,

Families are so odd when it comes to money - I got Monique to sign a power of attorney a while ago - then stuck it in a draw to activate by registering it when I feel that is appropriate. I emailed my son and daughter (one in London and one in Toronto) to tell them what was going on. Later I have by UK law, to notify them with a legal form when I register it.

My daughter gave me a load of earache about how important a power of attorney is and was I sure I had the right to use one for Monique and she felt it may not be appropriate for me to have control over Monique's finances....... Gob smacked! Could not believe my ears... And we are talking relatively small amounts!

I have already decided that if she does make an issue of it she can come over here and do what I do and I will go sailing........

Keep your chin up - 'there is nought so strange as folks.'....

love

Michael

 

[connie]

This is old news now, but when I registered Lionels POA some two years past, upon informing his children what I was doing, they objected to the court.

They alleged that I was "only looking after Lionel to gain control of his money, and then I would stick him in a home"..Very bad time for us, and I would not like to think anyone else would go through a time like that.

Incidently, his son has not seen him for 3 years, and his daughter visited just 4 times during 2005.

Please try to get these things sorted out when you feel strong. Our problems coincided with a bad time for Lionel, and he was quite suicidal.

My warmest regards to you all, Connie

 

[rummy]

Wow, apparently this isn't an uncommon problem! I had no idea such a simple thing would become such a huge issue. It is made more difficult with blended families.
I think this will work out if my step dad does what he said he would, make me the POA and my step sister the alternate. Like Michael, I had about decided to just let my step sister have it !!! Tag your it, I'm going somewhere pretty on my motorcycle! But, can't do that, Mom needs me.
Surely, I'm earning my wings
Thanks for sharing everyone, it really helps to get some perspective.
Debbie

 

[May]

Debbie
Sorry to hear you're have such a tough time of it. As if it's not enough coping with the effects this 'darned' disease has on our loved ones........along comes the paperwork to floor us again (I'm presuming here that it's just as bad in the States as it is here in the UK). Keep your chin up. Love & Hugs

 

[rummy]

Hi May,
Yes the paperwork is designed to be complicated and confusing. I read today that congress passed a bill that will cut medicaid and make it more difficult to get. Their thinking is with all the Baby Boomers approaching senior citizen status it will bankrupt the system if something isn't done. Seems to me if they would give more funds for fighting AD and finding a prevention or cure, they would save alot more money ! Just one of my gripes.

The chin is up!
Debbie

 

[May]

That sounds like bad news, I presume your medicaid is like our NHS (which can be a lottery as to what you get in treatments depending on where you live). Like you, I wish that 'the powers that be' would see that investing in research into 'seniors'( and I use that term very generally ) health problems would save far more money in the long run. After all, we're expected to provide for ourselves in retirement, why don't they invest a little of OUR hard earned cash in something that will produce a healthier retired population. There's a lot of us 'boomers' out there and I think as a generation we tend to be quite vocal and out spoken (too many protest marches when we were young not to be!) so who knows maybe we can STILL try to change the world by speaking out.

Nuff said!..now I'm on the soapbox
Glad to hear the chin's high...all the best

 

[rummy]

You know if a cure or a vacine isn't found and they don't arrange for care for us baby boomers, there are going to be a whole lot of us wandering around, not knowing who we are !
Sounds like some bad science fiction movie to me!
Debbie

 

[Lulu]

I always follow your posts, Debbie, and hope you are feeling OK. When my dad died and mum was diagnosed, almost simultaneously, we went through all this with POA as well as all the other stuff that has to be done. It was a terrible time, and I can't believe it, even now, the things that happened and the things that were said, and the months of anguish it created. I hope you soon have it all sorted out, as there is enough to cope with, isn't there? tAKE CARE

 

[rummy]

Hi Lulu,
Thank you so much for your post and encouragement. I must admit, I have been in quite a slump the last couple of weeks. Everything piled up at once and I was having alot of trouble coping with it. My step Dad went in the hospital ( turned out ok but Mom was hard to deal with ), my brother who is morbidly obese got pneumonia and congestive heart failure, my sister in law who has MS has started declining badly, my father in law has terminal lung cancer and we're traveling to take care of him next week and then there was the snaffoo with my parents legal matters. Whew, my doctor suggested I go on anti depressants but I decided to pull myself up and just deal with this. I'm sure my neglecting to take my hormones a couple times didn't help at all ! ( isn't that a legal defense for murder? ) Anyway, I'll be ok, if not, I can always take my doctor up on the happy pill offer

Debbie

my new tag line.......

persevere !

 

[May]

I'm not even going to try and guess the title of the movie Debbie.

 

[connie]

Debbie, take heart that you got offered the 'happy pills'.........In the absolute depths of despair last Wednesday I went to the docs............Was told.."you are a strong woman and you will get through this." Was going to be prescribed.
sleeping tablets but they would interfere with my blood pressure treatment.

Have no answers sweetheart, just hang on in there. Thinking of you, Connie

 

[rummy]

Connie, don't you just love doctors ! Hard to believe you can't get help when you ask for it. I hope you are getting enough rest. I will be ok and it helps so much to know I have friends here that understand. I have tied a knot at the end of that rope and I am hanging on !

Debbie