I pick myself up emotionally only to be knocked right back down again.

[angiebails]

Last week I nursed my husband through concussion after he had fell off his bike. We went to the hospital twice and again I tended to his every need. Things then seemed to be going fine and he seemed to be over the terrible months I have had with him and we started to plan forward with holidays etc.
Then This morning he wouldn't wake up, I make him a coffee and try to talk to him only to point blank not speak and then start accusing me of putting down his son and bad mouthing his family etc. last evening.
No of these conversations happened so again he has had a dream which involves me in the most hateful way.
I have been accused of everything in the book to even sleeping with my brother in law. And every time I forgive him and get over it and start to feel normal again he starts on something else. How can you love and care for someone that makes your life such hell.
I think I've had enough but have to stay to look after him even though he can still do most normal things you do wonder what he might do next.
So fed up. But I know other people are suffering more than me so should pick myself up and carry on but I find it so hard.
Angela.


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[marionq]

This is horrible for you but the best thing to do is step back eg if he won't get up then don't take him coffee and try to cajole him. Make yourself a lovely coffee and breakfast and take it out to the garden or back door and enjoy the peace. If he is rude or unreasonable walk away, put your coat on, take your keys etc and go out preferably to visit a friend or to somewhere you like.

Not one of us can take abuse, verbal or otherwise, and still feel the same about that person so you have to develop tactics to get yourself removed from being the target.

 

[meme]

why do you say you "have to stay" even though he can do most things himself???? if life with him is that bad now it will no doubt get worse....? there comes a time you have to think of yourself and your wellbeing

 

[Wolfsgirl]

This is so sad! Do you get any respite? If not could you speak to your gp and ask for a carers assessment?

Maybe you should do the minimum only when he is in that frame of mind, only the absolutely necessary without joining him in a battle to persuade him.

Could you say, right I am leaving you to it then until you politely ask for my help.

You know him best, but I hope you won't get guilt trapped into doing more than you should.

Keep your chin up x

 

[spiritual lady]

my husband, who has just turned 64, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in January. As you can imagine, it rocked our world, and the retirement we had planned for ourselves in Spain cannot materialise like we thought it would. We both love Spain but I find that I am not getting a lot of information re illness and how best to cope. I aM goin back to the Alzheimer's society tomorrow. They have asked to see me on my own - I don't know why. My husband is very argumentative - if I say black, he has to say white. I get the blame for everything that goes wrong. He has been on Aricept since January but it doesn't seem that it is slowing he process down. Any insight would be invaluable to me. I have very little knowledge of the stages of the disease and annot see how my husband is only at stage 1.

 

[Margarita]

But I know other people are suffering more than me so should pick myself up and carry on but I find it so hard.
Angela.

I have not been on this site for good few years .
But I like you I live in a Roller coaster of Emotion .

My mother would get confused accuse me of things I had not done or did .

Different type of relationship your husband, my mother , but same symptoms .

Hard to remember its the desease what the disease is doing to your husband brain when he talks like this or changes his emotions toward you .

Take care make sure you get time out for yourself

 

[angiebails]

Thanks for all your support I did take time out to take my mother for her appointments and had lunch with her, feeling a little better now but don't think I can carry on with all this hatred towards me. How long wil this be for. If any of my neighbours or friends tell me it's ok because he is ill I will scream.


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[marionq]

Abuse is never OK for any of us. You are too close to the problem to see a solution which is why you need to step back and do less. If you stick around it will change over time but how long this will take and at what cost no one knows. In the meantime start thinking of yourself as the one needing a bit of kindness and give it to yourself.

Good wishes Angie this is not easy.

 

[angiebails]

Hillary Doyle, we too were spending our winters in Spain and we really enjoyed the warmer climate. My husband had communication problems at the age of 65 and has problems with his speech. Cannot read or write anymore and has little ability to use the phone, remote , microwave etc. all these you can cope with but when he wakes in the morning to a new story of how disgusting I am as to who I have slept with, had an affair or what I have said or done, I can't cope.love turns to hatred because you can't understand how any one could be so horrible. He took his wedding ring off about 6 months ago as he hated me so much and has never put it back on. It's a lonely life as the few friends I had see me less and less. No one can understand why this could happen.
He had an MRI scan a week ago and I am awaiting a response from the memory clinic. Does anyone know whether there is drugs to stop this happening and will it work.
Angela


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[jeany123]

Thanks for all your support I did take time out to take my mother for her appointments and had lunch with her, feeling a little better now but don't think I can carry on with all this hatred towards me. How long wil this be for. If any of my neighbours or friends tell me it's ok because he is ill I will scream.


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It's not ok but try not to take it too personal, you know he is ill and he is wrong so try not to let it upset you so much, I know easier said than done but walk out of the room each time he starts and if he won't wake up just leave him, as they say it take two to argue,

 

[AlsoConfused]

I know it's difficult but please think about how you can best organise some light relief and social support for you. Otherwise you're likely to get so worn down and miserable you'll want OUT permanently.

Mum went through a similar stage, sun-downing every afternoon or evening from as early as just after lunch. It was dreadfully gruelling. We'd be sitting together peacefully and happily chatting, then with no notice at all Mum would suddenly turn into a screaming harpy. Mostly she blazed away at Dad over the dreadful things she thought he'd done (eg her father was seriously ill and he was being so noisy he'd wake the invalid).

You and your behaviour almost certainly aren't the trigger for your husband's behaviour. He's probably terrified of what's happening to him and of how dependent he is on you. Lashing out at the people they most love and trust is often how it goes, whether you're talking about dementia or any other personal crisis.

 

[WIFE]

my husband, who has just turned 64, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in January. As you can imagine, it rocked our world, and the retirement we had planned for ourselves in Spain cannot materialise like we thought it would. We both love Spain but I find that I am not getting a lot of information re illness and how best to cope. I aM goin back to the Alzheimer's society tomorrow. They have asked to see me on my own - I don't know why. My husband is very argumentative - if I say black, he has to say white. I get the blame for everything that goes wrong. He has been on Aricept since January but it doesn't seem that it is slowing he process down. Any insight would be invaluable to me. I have very little knowledge of the stages of the disease and annot see how my husband is only at stage 1.

Spiritual Lady I too went through the phase where it didn't matter what I did, or how I did it it was wrong, I was wrong, the whole world was wrong but especially me and guess what - even though he is in a NH now - I am still wrong. A Carer said to me it shows that they trust us and I suppose I can see some sense in that. I fear you just have to "ride the wave" and grow a rhino skin. Thinking of you and hope you get some help and assistance from the Society.

 

[Chuggalug]

Last week I nursed my husband through concussion after he had fell off his bike. We went to the hospital twice and again I tended to his every need. Things then seemed to be going fine and he seemed to be over the terrible months I have had with him and we started to plan forward with holidays etc.
Then This morning he wouldn't wake up, I make him a coffee and try to talk to him only to point blank not speak and then start accusing me of putting down his son and bad mouthing his family etc. last evening.
No of these conversations happened so again he has had a dream which involves me in the most hateful way.
I have been accused of everything in the book to even sleeping with my brother in law. And every time I forgive him and get over it and start to feel normal again he starts on something else. How can you love and care for someone that makes your life such hell.
I think I've had enough but have to stay to look after him even though he can still do most normal things you do wonder what he might do next.
So fed up. But I know other people are suffering more than me so should pick myself up and carry on but I find it so hard.
Angela.

Oh boy! Does this one ever take me back to the beginning. Apparently, I had "another bloke" and should have gone to him. (One is enough for me, thanks!) Then I was supposed to be upset that he was leaving me to go to Romania. He even told the doc that one. I just sat silent and fuming, not daring to flinch. Believe me, Angie, in the last five years, it's taken one ton of a struggle not to escape out the door with a tent and leg it. But I'm still here as this is my home, too.

Then not too long back, he got scared I'd left him because it was all too much for me. "Where would I go?" I asked him. It's all phased out now and other things have taken the place of all that, but you're right, it really does give you a sock in a jaw emotionally, sometimes.

Wishing you strength and courage, and peace for your man and that he settles down. The concussion couldn't have helped the situation. Is he over that now?

I wonder what Sue J would make of all this? She was so helpful on my thread.

 

[angiebails]

Chuggalug how long did this go on and at what stage was your husband. I am at my wits end and none of my friends want to associate with me in case he accuses me of sleeping with there husbands. ( not that there are any left that I havnt slept with). In Spain this winter he barricaded the door with the dining room table so I either I couldn't get out or my lover couldn't get in. We flew home early as I couldn't take any more. But now I'm trapped and am seriously considering leaving as I have no life left and no idea how long this will go on, but then I suppose it will to be replaced with another unknown mountain to climb.


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[FifiMo]

Angiebails,

You have my sympathy in having to deal with this. My advice to you would be to contact your husband's consultant and explain the extent of the problem as this is not just him having delusional thoughts but he is acting upon them too. We had years of this type of behaviour from my mother who accused many people of extraordinary things and even went to the police. In the end up she was put on risperidone and was transferred into a happy and contented and pleasant old lady with no mention whatsoever of the things that she had obsessed about for years. If things have got to theh point where you are considering leaving then it is time for some intervention by the medical people to get this seen to.

Spiritual Lady,

If nothing else, please ask the question as to whether your husband's problems could be being caused by the aricept. It can cause some people to become very agitated and even violent when it is not suitable for them.

Fiona

 

[jeany123]

Fiona is right if things are so bad you should contact your GP and see if some medication will help, I am so very sorry it must be awful for you, I hope things start to improve soon,

Best wishes Jeany xx

 

[LadyA]

You definitely need some help with this one. My husband used to also accuse me of having affairs with various men - often relatives, or friends. Three on the go in one week, at one stage. Amazing really, considering I was at home all the time! That was duirng the earlier stage of his illness. This type of delusion progressed though to much more scary kinds - positively malevolent! Things came to a head finally, when, believing that there were men living in my daughter's bedroom who were torturing her to death every night (with teaspoons! But he was genuinely terrified. And they were also pouring acid in her eyes) - I found him twice in less than a week lurking outside her door, once with a pair of lethal kitchen shears hidden under his jacket, and the second time with a vicious barbeque fork - he was "waiting for the men to open the door to come out and I'll kill them!" - but of course, the only one who would come out would have been my daughter! At that stage he was put on anti-psychotics, and has been on them since. My point is though that as your husband is acting on his delusions already - basically imprisoning you by barricading the door when you were on holiday - you cannot let this situation continue without alerting his doctors, and making plain that you cannot continue to live under the strain of this behaviour.

 

[angiebails]

Thank you lady a. I have been very alone to think that my husband can do and think the things he does. Your life has put it in prospective and I have hope on your comments that this should not happen and someone should help me. I have to thank my lucky stars that I have no here in the house to witness these very stressful things. My sons have tried to give me all the support they can but as he is not there father I appreciate all they have done.


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[LadyA]

Thank you lady a. I have been very alone to think that my husband can do and think the things he does. Your life has put it in prospective and I have hope on your comments that this should not happen and someone should help me. I have to thank my lucky stars that I have no here in the house to witness these very stressful things. My sons have tried to give me all the support they can but as he is not there father I appreciate all they have done.


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My husband is not my daughter's father either - you take all the support you can get, regardless of where it comes from! You are going to need every ounce of it! And to put it in further perspective - my husband was a lifelong scholar and historian. One evening he completely lost the plot at my daughter, who was (and this will tell you how long ago his problems were sneaking up, because she's 29 now, and he was only diagnosed in 2008) about 18 at the time, happened to have a pair of bright pink socks on. Why did her socks upset him? Well, according to him, she was wearing them in order to "attract the sexual attentions of men! Because in ancient Corinth, the prostitutes would wear red sandals - that was how they would attract customers." Apparently, pink socks is the modern equivalent. Who knew?

 

[Scarlett123]

My husband is not my daughter's father either - you take all the support you can get, regardless of where it comes from! You are going to need every ounce of it! And to put it in further perspective - my husband was a lifelong scholar and historian. One evening he completely lost the plot at my daughter, who was (and this will tell you how long ago his problems were sneaking up, because she's 29 now, and he was only diagnosed in 2008) about 18 at the time, happened to have a pair of bright pink socks on. Why did her socks upset him? Well, according to him, she was wearing them in order to "attract the sexual attentions of men! Because in ancient Corinth, the prostitutes would wear red sandals - that was how they would attract customers." Apparently, pink socks is the modern equivalent. Who knew?

I have a pair of pink winter bed socks! I'd better not hang my feet out of the window, else I might get unwelcome visitors. Though, thinking about it, why would I want to hang my feet out of the window when it's cold enough to wear bed socks? Or hang them out any other time of the year, bed socks or bare feet!

And, I dare say, if any neighbour saw my feet hanging out of the window, they'd dial 999 immediately.