I never would have imagined how I am feeling

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Ovacomer, Jun 22, 2015.

  1. Ovacomer

    Ovacomer Registered User

    Jul 16, 2013
    37
    Mum died over 2 months ago- it was a heart attack in the night- and as always there is a mixture of sadness and relief that she is no longer suffering from this awful illness, but while I don't miss the tortured phone calls that at times never seemed to end even though she was in a nursing home, I do miss not being needed which is very selfish and I miss the routine of the regular trips to the nursing home even though it was miles away, and all the staff at the home and all the bed and breakfast people I got to know. I never imagined I would feel like this but people think I should be relieved it is all over. Have others felt like this?
     
  2. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Hi Ovacomer
    It is now just over 3 months since my Mum passed away, I have worked through the surreal - did this really happen stage and am now going through the same stage of greiving as you. There were more tears when she was alive, than now.
    I visited Mum everyday for the past 41/2yrs since she was moved into a CH,dementia secured. I oversaw all her care/care plans etc worked as part of the team caring for her, latterly feeding her. Words/speech/molibity gone, but she kept her happy demeanour, so I still ensured her care and enjoyed hugs/kisses etc etc. Now, although like you positive about the release for Mum and also for me, I am now resting, recovering and re-adjusting. I don`t feel guility. I don`t feel a gap in the day, but I am now beginning to miss caring for her, as well as her hugs, her touch her smile- I called it "mutual comfort" we shared although she didn`t know who I was. . I am retired. My family now are back at the top of my agenda especially my hushand, (I`m going to treat him to a holiday of his choice as a thank you for his quiet, unselfish support over a long period) they are all now experiencing the new me, released of the responsibility (Im the only child) and the trauma of the past 8 years etc.I am able to keep my mind busy, but its when I`m still. I still find Sundays difficult. Mum passed away on Mothers Day this year. I don`t think there is any answer as to how we deal with this feeling, other than allow the thoughts to happen, churn it over in my mind, then find a positive and I think eventually this feeling will pass. I try to file negative memories in bin 13! and look to the positive and look forward. Gardening is becoming my therapy, so when negative or tearful, if I can, I go out into the garden, even if its just to dead-head flowers or move a few pots around, taking in the wonder of life.
    I hope this helps you and perhaps others from TP will have similar feelings.
    I wish you well.
    Heather x:)
     
  3. Ovacomer

    Ovacomer Registered User

    Jul 16, 2013
    37
    After mum's death

    Thanks Heather it is good to know I am not alone as I move into a different stage of life
    I think it is probably not just needing to recover from the death but also from the past years of caring no wonder we sometimes feel tired I can't imagine how I managed everything.
    I love your name Catbells was the first mountain I ever climbed - I hope that is the right connection
    Take care
    Ruth
     
  4. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Ha! Yes Keswick is our favourite retreat! Been visiting there over 45years, camping, b&b ad now the comfort of our own hotel room on wheels, a caravan. Dragged children over the hills, who now have their own appreciation of Keswick and outdoor activities. We visit about 3 times a year. We were in Keswick early March when I got the call to come home quick, so this area of the Lakes is very special to me. We are off in the caravan to another favourite retreat soon, Annecy in the French Alps. Very much like Keswick but on a grander scale.

    I decided to take some multi vitamins + iron, a few weeks ago and this seems to be helping,the tiredness going, it can`t do any harm, but I thought a bit of a boost was needed. I was constantly being told that even when a death is expected, it`s still a shock, I now know what this means, its a different type of shock. I am also still recovering from a severe bout of vertigo, which happened 4 weeks following Mum`s passing - I expected a reaction but not this, but my body needs to rest, and I`m learning to relax my muscles now (once like an overstretched elastic band waiting to snap - this has left me now). Its early days yet, but I`m working on it. I do Tai Chi, have done for 3years now, and this has been a tremendous help, particularly the breathing exercises, so when distressed/overwhelmed, my tai chi breathing came into force to help me calm down.
    Take care
    Keep in touch
    Heather:) (Catbells)
     
  5. Chaucer

    Chaucer Registered User

    Jun 16, 2015
    17
    Sorry to read about your loss. It must have been quite a shock for you though, if it was a heart attack? My mum died in February and I'm still grieving more than I expected. After being in a home for 2 years and being ill for a few more, I was expecting relief, but it just isn't that simple. I miss visiting her, smelling her skin, touching her hand, keeping her company. I suppose it becomes our focus and purpose for a while, and redefines our lives, then we lose it. I'm hoping it will get better soon. I feel so sad. Keep meaning to get onto counselling and then putting it off. Being in nature helps me as does reading (just finished "The Humans" by Matt Haig - brilliant!) and spending time with my 9 year old and husband. And my friends, my wonderful friends.

    Anyway, yes, I feel like you do. It's soon though, so give it time xxxx
     
  6. dotty12

    dotty12 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2013
    19
    Hi
    My mum died last August. I don't think it is any easier yet. I seem to be able to put the coping act and the 'I'm moving on' face for those who need it like my 90 year old dad who I still look out for. I just feel racked with guilt and regret that after caring for her 24/7 I couldn't cope anymore and she spent the last 3 weeks of her life in between a mediocre home and hospital. My dad reminds me sometimes that I always said I would never put mum I'm a home. Anyway on the outside I'm coping a bit, on the inside I'm hurting... So I would say we need to give ourselves time to heal after caring and loving so much and not expect too much of yourself. X
     
  7. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    215
    North East
    My Mum died last May. I have good days and bad. Some days I still can't believe she's not here. I hope it gets easier. X
     
  8. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    Hi Dotty, Please don`t feel guilty. The nearest and dearest are not always the best person to care for our loved ones. I`m an only child and I know I was too emotionally close to Mum to cope, I also had to consider my husband and the physical and mental strain on trying to care for mum at my home would have made me ill. We did have to move her to a secure unit for her own safety so events toook over and decisions taken out of our hands. Don`t let others make you feel guilty, you did your best and no one can expect more. Your Mum would have understood. Treat yourself to something nice
    Heather x:)
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.