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I need you mum

theunknown

Registered User
Apr 17, 2015
431
A few months ago I sent an email to my mum (even though she'd been sectioned and was on a mental health ward) saying, "I need you Mum, where are you, come back to me". I knew I'd lost her, but I needed that connection. I will never get back the mum I had. It wasn't a great relationship, but it was our relationship.

I understand that it must be so difficult to lose a parent to dementia when you've always had a close relationship, but when you lose parents that have kept you at a distance you are never able to resolve the situation.

I feel absolute responsibility (including financially) for my mum, but I've never felt loved in any way, shape or form, by my parents (my dad died in 1997, leaving what he had to his second family). Despite this, I'm so glad that my mum is now in a place (thanks to my husband paying) that I feel is a real home.

Reading this back, I realise it sounds self-pitying. But I'm trying to portray how we feel responsible for how our close family members are living, even if they don't return the favour.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
A few months ago I sent an email to my mum (even though she'd been sectioned and was on a mental health ward) saying, "I need you Mum, where are you, come back to me". I knew I'd lost her, but I needed that connection. I will never get back the mum I had. It wasn't a great relationship, but it was our relationship.

I understand that it must be so difficult to lose a parent to dementia when you've always had a close relationship, but when you lose parents that have kept you at a distance you are never able to resolve the situation.

I feel absolute responsibility (including financially) for my mum, but I've never felt loved in any way, shape or form, by my parents (my dad died in 1997, leaving what he had to his second family). Despite this, I'm so glad that my mum is now in a place (thanks to my husband paying) that I feel is a real home.

Reading this back, I realise it sounds self-pitying. But I'm trying to portray how we feel responsible for how our close family members are living, even if they don't return the favour.
Oh gosh, theunknown, you certainly don't sound self-pitying! :eek: It seems to me that you (and your husband) are doing a magnificent job of caring for your mum. And that is only made harder by your lack of a previous close relationship.

Yes, I was lucky enough to be close to my parents....but I reckon that overall that fact makes my situation a bit easier to bear than yours. Not that there's any point in trying to measure the effort, the love, the care.....we all do what we can in the circumstances and no way is it a competition....

I am sorry your relationship with your mother remains unresolved. I'm sorry, I can't come up with a solution but I wanted to acknowledge your pain. Probably other TPers who have had similar experiences to yours may be able to be more helpful.

(((Hugs)))

Lindy xx
 

Hex

Registered User
May 24, 2014
15
Newcastle Upon Tyne
Hi, I also had a really close relationship with my mum. After joining TP and reading through the informative posts I changed my attitude towards how I dealt with mum. I know I lost my mum quite some time ago and I am now a carer for someone who isn't quite a stranger because I never aspired to be a nurse or anything connected with the caring profession and I couldn't do this for anyone else. I used to get so frustrated when trying to reason and correct and explain things but I now know that is futile. I agree and turn everything into a positive and we have a calmer more relaxed time together these days. I don't think it has anything to do with how close or distant your relationship has been. Your mum spent years raising you and I feel (for me anyway) I owe her and it doesn't feel like a chore. We were never a tactile family and never expressed feelings of love and I still find it difficult to kiss her when I am leaving so I can empathise with you up to a point.
S.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Hi, I also had a really close relationship with my mum. After joining TP and reading through the informative posts I changed my attitude towards how I dealt with mum. I know I lost my mum quite some time ago and I am now a carer for someone who isn't quite a stranger because I never aspired to be a nurse or anything connected with the caring profession and I couldn't do this for anyone else. I used to get so frustrated when trying to reason and correct and explain things but I now know that is futile. I agree and turn everything into a positive and we have a calmer more relaxed time together these days. I don't think it has anything to do with how close or distant your relationship has been. Your mum spent years raising you and I feel (for me anyway) I owe her and it doesn't feel like a chore. We were never a tactile family and never expressed feelings of love and I still find it difficult to kiss her when I am leaving so I can empathise with you up to a point.
S.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
Know how you feel, Hex :) Its not a chore for me either....what goes around comes around, doesn't it? It is what it is......:) xx

I do however consider myself lucky to feel like this....for the most part anyway. I can't say I never get tired and frustrated - I do - but none of it is mum's fault. And I do love her deeply and consciously xx