I need to talk...

[Michele]

Hi everyone.

I need to talk, but it may all sound jumbled because I can't fully put how I feel in writing...

As some of you know mum what diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimers about a year ago. Dad passed away in August last year. Mum saw the memory clinic in November last year. I took her to the doctors about two weeks ago, she is still on mild dose of antideppresents, and doctor said that the memory clinic were pleased with mum in November and would only come and see her once a year. OH....

Well, mum is doing ok, but her memory is becoming worse. She constantly asks what day, time, what she is doing, oh it goes on.

We took her away at the weekend, just for a couple of days. She loved it, but boy was it hard work. She thought we lived in the cottage we were staying at, didn't have a clue what day it was, kept asking what we were doing that day, over and over again.

One thing we did notice was that she seems to be really dependant on me. (she doesn't act like this with my sister). She seems to become worse with her memory when she is with me, and needs to be with me all the time. It is lovely, but I felt so smothered.

I hate the way I am feeling about this. I am angry because I shouldn't feel like this. I love her so much, but I am constantly on the phone to her, and I just feel like I have no freedom (but I know I do). She told me last night that she is going to stay with a friend in a months time for a week, I can't wait this means I will have some freedom for a week.

I am sorry, I don't expect any answers to my grummpyness, I just feel I need to tell someone how I am feeling.

Love
xxx

 

[EmJ]

Hi Michele,

I think all of us at some point have found our circumstances too much. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way at all. The best thing to do is talk about it.

Try and find some time to yourself doing something you enjoy.

Take care,

EmJ

 

[tassie devil]

I soooo know how your feeling at the moment. My Mum was diagnosed nearly 2 years ago now and everyday is getting harder and harder. It just seems initially you have so much help and support, when you don't always need it. The time is now when we need the help and it feels like a battle every phone call and every email we send. Plus the fact there are 4 children and only 2 who do the work!!!!

We are at the point with my Mum where if you phone up and she doesn't want to hear what your saying, she'll just put the phone down. If she doesn't want to open the door to someone, she just won't let them in (which isn't a bad thing), but having to explain why she no longer has a bank card is hard (Mum lost another one in the machine last week, which was a blessing as we are putting the EPA in force).

I know from this web site, your never alone and although I'm not a regular writer, the support is fantastic.

 

[Auntiep]

Me too!

Hi Michele

Reading your post it sounds as if I could have written it - I feel just like that. I feel angry that I have to deal with Mum (I'm her only child), then I feel guilty for feeling angry. I feel like I need some time to myself, then worry about her, and feel guilty when I do take time out.

I know just how much of a drain it is having to cope, but like others here have said, you are not alone.

Take care

P xx

 

[pebble]

Hi Michele
My advice is don't try to rationalise it - and don't worry about everything all at once - it all changes from your expectation of what is going to go wrong. Try to keep one constant in the mayhem - that is trust in yourself - good folk like you tend to do the right thing even if you feel lost half the time. (and I mean the right thing for everyone not just your mum). My mum relied heavily on me for a range of support but then went into mistrust mode - totally unexpectedly. I too lost my dad, quickly followed by my mum becoming unwell with dementia which seems to be accelerating now - it makes it so hard to deal with the first loss. We all need a bit of space - sometimes it has to be tiny. Occasionally I make a positive decision to switch off my mobile phone and cherish that breathing space. Learning to relax in small ways within a backdrop of frightening mayhem is hard but worthwhile. Very best wishes to you, Pebble

 

[andrear]

Hi Michele

Well, your not alone in your thoughts, actually you do have a choice to walk away from everything, we all have that choice, unfortunately, we do not walk away. Why, because these people are our parents, our spouses, our grandparents, etc. and most of all OUR LOVED ONES.

There is no reason why you shouldn't feel angry, sad, or even selfish, because this awful disease ruins families and takes over our lives. Not only is your mum going through this illness, so are you.

If, and when my brother decides to turn up at my parents, (maybe once every 2/3months) dad always treats him so diferently than he does me. He pretends that everthing is just hunky dory. I have asked myself why on many occassions, and the only explanation I can come up with is that somehow dad feels safe with me and he also know that I won't ridicule him.

If you are lcuky enough to get some time to yourself, enjoy that time and let the world take care of itself for a while.

And if you feel grumpy I can assure you that this site is the right one for you. Although, the lovely people who contribute to making this site so good wont, allow you dwell in the doldrums for long!!

I don't even look at my phone bill anymore, because its my lifeline. And, as soon as I leave my parents house, I know that dad will be getting at mum to ring, because he is now incapable of using a telephone. And, he won't stop at mum until she rings and rings and rings even though to me its the simplist of things, to him its a major thing.

Don't ever feel guilty for your thoughts, because nobody will judge you for them.
Take care
AndreaXX

 

[Short girl]

Hi

I get something similiar with my Nan, being the nearest relative it seems like I cop all the confusion and I'm sure other relatives think I'm over-reacting - however, I know this is soooo common.
No one else in the family bothers to phone her because she cannot hear them even with hearing aid in, so in a way it even diminises their support even more (with the exception of Nan's Neice who does phone and offers to come to stay with her to give me a break and because she can because she is retired)
It's so ironic, my Uncle lives in Canada and is retired, my Aunt about 250 miles and isn't working - me, the granddaughter, I work full time with a 9 year old and a husband who hates both for 'abdicating their responsibility to their mother when they moved away - despite it being donkeys years ago!!'
I get on here because the mutual support and sympathy is excellent.

 

[helen.tomlinson]

Hello Michele

it may all sound jumbled because I can't fully put how I feel in writing...

It didn't sound jumbled at all to me Michele, you did really well in getting it down I think. You mention that you are feeling smothered at times and then feel guilty because of feeling this. I think it could be helpful to you to accept that this is how you feel at times and if the feeling becomes too much to cope with, then find ways to get the space that you need. I don't think anyone is guilty for having feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong.

Love Helen

 

[Michele]

Hi everyone.

I just want to thank you all for your posts. It is lovely to know that there are so many wonderful people who care.

It is a shame that we don't all live close together, then we could give each other lots of support and kindness in person.

Thank you everyone.

Love
Michele xxx

 

[citybythesea]

it's all in the love

I whole heartedly can relate to what you are saying and how you feel. I feel the same way at times and to be very truthful this disease has really made me open my eyesas to the way my immediate family is. I mean my brother in general.

Mom and dad were only children and grandchildren all the way around. Dad has been gone for 15 years now and I still miss him so very much. Mom had plans of seeing the states when they retired and just in general growing old with him. Anyways last year I had to make a choice that would financially make or break the family and I chose to move. Financially wise. The kick was since I would be moving mom and my family I chose to try to make it a little easier on what I knew was coming in the way of her health. She loved my brother so I thought it would be nice to move close to him and his family. Lo and behold he agreed and they looked for houses within a block or two of them. The house we found was actually 45 minutes and a ferry away.

Needless to say the day I closed on the house he informed me he had been offered a job in San Francisco, Ca. We'rre on the coast of Texas. A good 3 day drive. Since he left he has visitd mom only once at thanksgiving. Yes I get calls every few weeks asking how I'm doing. The older women in this community are a godsend, they will sit with mom if asked. I've found that right babysitter for mom and I take advantage of having her come so I can have some me time.

I've learned that we can only control what we do. I don't count on my kids. Teens and young adults need to be learning how to take care of themselves, but they still come and sit with her when they visit. My 19 yr old sends me to the movies with my daughter when he comes and my 21 yr old makes sure I have a babysitter for when he comes so he can take me out ad treat me.
My 16 yr old has given up on bringing friends home not because she was told not to and not because it embarresses her (she would tell me) but because she knows that her friends would disrupt her grandmothers security zone.

Anyways what I'm trying to say is take care of yourself. You will be asecurity blanket whether you like it or not and take that as the biggest form of love your parent can give you now, later on they will still give this to you even when they no longer know you. Many prayers and hugs for you...there will be days it will be easier and there will be days you will swear they have added gray hairs, but in the long run if you can find that one security blanket to help you thru you will be so much freer to yourself.

I'm sorry this is rambling. Feel free to cry on this shoulder or bang your head agasinst my wall any time...I do understand.

 

[grimsby28]

know the feeling

i to know how you feel my mum relies on me for everything i have her living with us and have for the last year it its so hard i tend to resent her at times as she has put my husband and i lives on hold some famlies are very supportive but mine just walk out the door and forget about her and do there duty by visiting once a week and she thinks they are wonderful but me i do not get one bit of thanks it makes me so angry so i can sypathise with you my mum in respite this week and i think i am in heaven can have a long soak in the bath and just relax i have had so much support from people on this site i cant thank them enough when things have been bad ther is always some one there so take care and dont feel guilty