1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. dedicated doe

    dedicated doe Registered User

    Aug 24, 2007
    47
    wirral merseyside
    HI,As i am writing this i am crying and feel like i am a failure,Dave wanted to go to the beach this lunch time for fish and chips,when he got dressed he complained his shorts were too big but would not get changed said he was o.k.so we went out everything was fine till on our way home i called into the garden centre walking round as you can guess the shorts fell down,Dave went into hysterics as my two children ME well all i could do was go red pull his pants up and get out of there quick i could not see the funny side of it as i feel a failure in caring,i know Dave cannot help it but when he turns round and tells me it!s MY fault and i should!nt tell him off what am i too do, maybe i cannot see the funny side of it because i feel tired and stressed how hard is it to keep a sense of humor.
    Thankyou for listening God Bless Doe.
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hello Doe

    All the way through the caring for someone with dementia we can be excused for feeling a failure - unfortunately dementia is bigger than anything that might fight it, so we are certain to have times when it all gets too much.

    I found the laughter came sometimes when things simply got too much out of hand - the particular situation would dictate laughter or tears.

    When we are overtired, the laughter is much less ready to come, and we may get dragged down.

    You managed to get to the beach and then the garden centre. That sounds pretty good to me. What's the momentary embarrassment on their behalf in the grand scheme of things?

    Well, it can be a lot, actually, but since we have no control, we need to be able to step back and see the totality.

    Well done for the trip out.
     
  3. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Doe,

    It does sound as though you're "running on empty"....

    I certainly know that feeling..something relatively trivial happens and it's a huge incident to you...

    This could happen to anyone..so it's not because you've failed..you're trying to hold a family together which is taking it out of you..

    Surely Dave didn't mean to hurt you when he said it was your fault..
    And don't let this knock your confidence..

    I'll bet there are plenty of us around who have felt as you're feeling..

    You are definitely NOT a failure..

    Keep talking to us Doe...it does help when you're down...(I know from personal experience....)

    Love gigi xx
     
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Trust me I also know that feeling also . I could never find the humor in it also, but a failure never, your never be a failure burce is right when he says
    As I found some time to myself to day sat down in the sun I saw the wind blowing the tress & the over gown grass , I thought to myself dementia is like Nature like the the wind they no way of stopping the wind blowing in the direction you want it to, Nature is something no man kind can not fight against
     
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #5 Margarita, May 24, 2008
    Last edited: May 24, 2008
    Trust me I also know that feeling also . I could never find the humor in it also, but a failure never, your never be a failure burce is right when he says
    As I found some time to myself to day sat down in the sun I saw the wind blowing the tress & the over gown grass , I thought to myself dementia is like Nature like the the wind they no way of stopping the wind blowing in the direction you want it to, Nature has got hold of dementia, so man kind can not fight against it .
     
  6. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Dear Doe, I had the same feeling this week and for about half an hour I was totally distraught. You are not alone. The trick is to try and make sure you are not getting too tired, because when you are stressed out with tiredness and so on, then the smallest things can conspire against you, and drag you down. You aren't in the least little bit a failure. You tried to help Dave at the outset with his shorts but he wouldn't co-operate. That's not your fault.

    Dave may be getting grumpy or worse because of the course of his dementia. It is probably the dementia speaking, not Dave, and you must try not to let his bad temper get you down. I'm not saying you must put up with verbal abuse like Patience on a Monument: sometimes it is effective to respond firmly back to stop the haranguing. Just remember that the task you are trying to carry out is really uphill, and you may need more help, as we all have done here on TP, to keep you afloat on Dave's behalf.

    Have you had a Carer's Assessment to check out what support you might be able to access in terms of your role as a carer? The assessment is a statutory right and should be carried out by Social Services to see what can be done to help you in your role. The AS website has a factsheet about them, or you could give the AS helpline a call next week.

    Forgive me if you know all this already. Don't be downhearted about the trip to the beach. In a day or two you may think differently about it all, and at least Dave got a stroll out in the fresh air with some company. Some people with dementia would give their right arms for that, dodgy elastic notwithstanding. Many more would consider themselves totally blessed to have a caring relative like you looking after them. Love Deborah
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Doe

    In what way are you a failure?

    Dave wanted to go to the beach -- you took him.
    He put on shorts that were too big. You wnated him to change, but he wouldn't.
    The shorts fell down.

    In what way is that your fault?

    We all feel failures at some time, Doe. We're dealing with an illness in the best way we can, but the illness is totally unpredictable, and the people we care for often unable or unwilling to listen to reason. So things go wrong, and we feel guilty.

    But we shouldn't. As long as we are doing our best we have nothing to feel guilty about.


    That sounds about right! It's difficult to laugh when all we want to do is cry. Try to get some rest, Doe, and don't worry. You're doing a great job looking after Dave.

    Love,
     
  8. dedicated doe

    dedicated doe Registered User

    Aug 24, 2007
    47
    wirral merseyside
    Thankyou

    THANKYOU for all your replys they have been of some comfort to me,i do understand that its!s this awful illness but as i now realise the reason i could not see the funny side is because of tiredness and stress i have an appointment with the care team next week and i will ask for help,something i have not done before because when Dave was diagnosed everything happened so quickly, the day centre and respite etc and i have just plodded along day after day caring the best i can,but i know that i am not alone and there are many kind people to give advice on TP.
    Thanks Again God Bless Doe x x
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Good luck, Doe. I hope you manage to get some support.

    Although we all like to think we can cope, there comes a time when we need help.

    Keep in touch,

    Love,
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,718
    Kent
    Hello Doe.

    I`m really sorry you had such an upsetting outing.

    If anything goes wrong for us and Dhiren has been the cause he always blames me. His self esteem is so low he is in no state to accept responsibility for anything, so to cover himself he blames me.

    If this type of incident had happened to us, Dhiren wouldn`t have remembered that I had suggested he change his shorts, he would only see me finding fault with him.

    You do sound worn out, stressed out, and when you get to this stage, humour flies out of the window. I do hope you can get some help soon.

    Love xx
     
  11. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    DearDoe

    I know the feeling. This is what I was doing - am doing. My sense of humour is affected and I don't think I would have seen the funny side of it either!! I think I would have found it funny much later on when the event was well and truly in the past!

    I think it's wonderful that you had a lovely day out which was what Dave wanted - it's just a pity that it was spoilt a bit. Still, it can't take away the fact that you had a lovely family time.

    Love Helen
     
  12. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Some things are only funny if they don't happen to you! Perhaps your husband turning on you was his way of coping but it has caused you extra stress when you had done so much to make the day a good one.

    I also took Ken out to the garden centre this afternoon (wish we could have also gone to the beach as you did). We had a lovely time despite the fact that he caused havoc. He likes pushing the trolly and managed to knock down a display of plants, ran over someone's foot and got the trolly stuck when he had to get it over a watering pipe left on the floor. He picked up plants from other people's trolly and put them back on the display. At the check out he thoroughly exasperated the check out girl as he mixed up what she had tilled in, what she hadn't tilled in and the more we tried to explain what he could move and what he couldn't, the more confused he became.

    We had to get back to the NH in time for tea so I foolishly let him have a cigarette in the car as I was driving - such a stupid thing to let him do!! Before I could take the used cigarette from him, he threw it out of the window. I was in a panic in case anyone had reported us. I totally over reacted and shouted at him - and then was ashamed of myself.

    Still, you should pat yourself on the back for a good day out. I am - we had a fairly happy time toghether and that was the main thing. Tomorrow you will be able to talk about what you all did today and he will have completely forgotten the 'pants' episode!!

    xxTinaT
     
  13. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    2,127
    Doncaster
    It s not easy to remember to check and double check everything before you set foot outside the door with an Alzheimers patient.

    If you thoroughly check the person you are caring for for you usualy find yourself wandering round the supermarket with your slippers on or having to go back to see if you have locked the door.

    Like your case Dedicated Doe, you can laugh afterwards but not at the time.
     
  14. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Dear Grommit,

    As usual you've put it in a nutshell....

    Today I had to leave Eric for an hour on his own while I did a "dash" to the supermarket...It was 10.30 and Eric had eaten breakfast and nodded off...I woke him to tell him where I was going..wrote it down for him..and rushed off..

    I had 2 shopping lists..one for us..one for mum...got to supermarket..no lists...:eek:

    Dashed round..trying to remember what was needed..

    On my way out a quiche and a box of eggs fell off the trolley..which I pushed over them..so they were resigned to the bin..

    Forgot to put the lottery on, buy a paper, get cash back..

    Arrived home..Eric just shuffling out of bathroom..wondered where I'd been..and could I put the kettle on...

    Living with AD is a huge learning curve..and requires an enormous shift in the way we live our lives..

    Don't think anyone will ever "get it right"..and sometimes things get a bit out of proportion..

    Learning to laugh..or smile..at the "blips" is a major hurdle..but I feel that's the only way I'll survive this.

    Thanks...

    Love gigi xx
     
  15. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    :D Grommit? Where were you hiding when you watched me?!!

    Doe, sweetheart, NOBODY feels they are doing 'caring' well. I think pretty well all of us feel we are lurching from one crisis to another, and the sad fact is HARDLY ANYONE NOTICES outside the immediate family. Please don't feel the whole world was laughing at you; in my experience the outside world does its collective best NOT to notice anyone struggling with a difficult situation for fear they may be asked to get involved! If the descending shorts had been on one of the kids, Dave would have been laughing himself. I'm sure Dave & his shorts, or the muddle at the check-out with Tina & Ken, don't feature in anyone's dinner-table conversations. By now, I expect Dave has truly forgotten about it (as only an Alzheimer's sufferer can!) so please try to file the moment away in your own mind under 'unimportant'.

    <<<<<Hugs>>>>>
     
  16. jackie1

    jackie1 Registered User

    Jun 6, 2007
    238
    Cheshire
    Dearest Doe,

    You are doing the best you can, I from where I'm sitting you are doing a wonderful job. Family outings are really difficult and you managed 2 in one day! You should be proud of yourself.

    I think as carers we feel like we have failed if our partners go out not looking their best, but often we have no choice in the matter. It is better that they go out unshaved etc. if that avoids an almighty scene.

    Love
    Jackie
    xx
     
  17. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    402
    Yorkshire
    HI Doe

    YOu are doing your very best and I hope you are now able to laugh about the situation you found yourself in. Laughter seems to be on the backburner when things go wrong dont they. But you did your very best, you took your lovely husband to the beach which is what he wanted and I hope that by the time you read this then the incident will be much in the background now.
    Love Andrea
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.