I need to sound off before I go pop

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
Please before I start, I don't expect any replies. I have just about had enough of my 89 year old mother. She has dementia of that there can be absolutely no doubt. I have plagued the GP surgery for the last four years attempting to get them to help to absolutely no avail. The other day the GP rang me to tell me my mother had a DNR - I pointed out to her that I knew about it last October! I tried to discuss the situation and the GP said I have only phoned about the DNR and when I pointed out that was the problem you people don't listen she put the phone down on me. Now today my mother had problem with her sandals - my fault because I bought them for her two years ago! She has other sandals but apparently they're no good either! Lunchtime she blanked me when I went round there for whatever reason she has going on in her head. This evening I went round to put out the rubbish and walk the dog. She told me her three hour a week lady had been to the chemist to pick up antibiotics for her and there was another package there, had I ordered her prescriptions (yes I order her prescriptions once a month and hadn't picked them up yet). The lady didn't bring the package because she thought it might have looked like she was interferring - you bet. As for the antibiotics, I already had them at home (they had been put on repeat prescription so they were available when needed) - so the problem arises when she doesn't bother to tell you what she is doing and involves unnecessary calls and trips. But hey because I get annoyed because she's got all these folk running around for her when it's absolutely unnecessary, she starts - why do you hate me so much - oh please, I could so very easily have pointed out why - I just explained that everything she says or does is the opposite of right, black is white, etc. Nothing I do for her is ever right end of. And I have come home. I am so very sorry to have to blurt out but if I didn't I would burst. Sorry again.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
22,983
0
Southampton
Please before I start, I don't expect any replies. I have just about had enough of my 89 year old mother. She has dementia of that there can be absolutely no doubt. I have plagued the GP surgery for the last four years attempting to get them to help to absolutely no avail. The other day the GP rang me to tell me my mother had a DNR - I pointed out to her that I knew about it last October! I tried to discuss the situation and the GP said I have only phoned about the DNR and when I pointed out that was the problem you people don't listen she put the phone down on me. Now today my mother had problem with her sandals - my fault because I bought them for her two years ago! She has other sandals but apparently they're no good either! Lunchtime she blanked me when I went round there for whatever reason she has going on in her head. This evening I went round to put out the rubbish and walk the dog. She told me her three hour a week lady had been to the chemist to pick up antibiotics for her and there was another package there, had I ordered her prescriptions (yes I order her prescriptions once a month and hadn't picked them up yet). The lady didn't bring the package because she thought it might have looked like she was interferring - you bet. As for the antibiotics, I already had them at home (they had been put on repeat prescription so they were available when needed) - so the problem arises when she doesn't bother to tell you what she is doing and involves unnecessary calls and trips. But hey because I get annoyed because she's got all these folk running around for her when it's absolutely unnecessary, she starts - why do you hate me so much - oh please, I could so very easily have pointed out why - I just explained that everything she says or does is the opposite of right, black is white, etc. Nothing I do for her is ever right end of. And I have come home. I am so very sorry to have to blurt out but if I didn't I would burst. Sorry again.
no need to say sorry. we all have our breaking point when need to get it out and release the pressure. its safe on here which is why its good to let off steam here
 

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
Thank you Jennifer. I live with my 38 year old son who has Borderline Personality Disorder and when I come back in and just want someone to listen he tells me he doesn't want to know and where I should go! The trouble is that I keep going back for more - there is no one else. Oops, there I go again - sorry, just feeling a tad sorry for myself today. Anyway, I've got my dogs to keep me company. Thank you again Jennifer.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,920
0
South coast
Im so sorry @pingpong - it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
You are always welcome to vent here
xx


PS - have you tried writing a good old-fashioned letter to the GP? Its harder to ignore and will go in your mums records so the doctor will be able to see it every time they view her records.
 

try again

Registered User
Jun 21, 2018
1,308
0
Im with canary. Write or email your GP with a list of behaviours.

Now's also the time to get power of attorney in place if you can persuade your mum.
 

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
Im with canary. Write or email your GP with a list of behaviours.

Now's also the time to get power of attorney in place if you can persuade your mum.
Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare has been done since 2000 but cannot be invoked unless my mother is shown to lack capacity, hence why I have attempted what I have - everything in writing, wouldn't even put it on her notes until my mother signed to say I was her carer. They are just so damned unhelpful. My mother's situation could have been so very different. Her mood swings and being continuously hostile towards me are just plain horrible.
 

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
Im so sorry @pingpong - it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
You are always welcome to vent here
xx


PS - have you tried writing a good old-fashioned letter to the GP? Its harder to ignore and will go in your mums records so the doctor will be able to see it every time they view her records.
I try my very best not to vent but sometimes get overwhelmed by it all. Thank you.
 

Jean’s daughter

Registered User
Dec 29, 2021
11
0
I’m so sorry @pingpong. I hear you as I’m the same. I have just been told I’m an interfering b**ch by my mother 10 mins ago because I was trying to help her go to the toilet. Selfish of me really, as I don’t want to spend all day cleaning the carpet on clothes after accidents like today!
I totally hear your frustration. Our GP is a disgrace aswell . Still waiting on the full diagnosis 12 months later and numerous times chasing. I don’t see the point anymore, they’re obviously not interested and don’t care.
Sometimes all you need to do is vent, as it’s the only thing you can do. Sometimes you need to say the horrible thoughts that are in your head, and hope people who know, understand.
I understand, vent away. I hope it makes feel feel better xx
 

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
I’m so sorry @pingpong. I hear you as I’m the same. I have just been told I’m an interfering b**ch by my mother 10 mins ago because I was trying to help her go to the toilet. Selfish of me really, as I don’t want to spend all day cleaning the carpet on clothes after accidents like today!
I totally hear your frustration. Our GP is a disgrace aswell . Still waiting on the full diagnosis 12 months later and numerous times chasing. I don’t see the point anymore, they’re obviously not interested and don’t care.
Sometimes all you need to do is vent, as it’s the only thing you can do. Sometimes you need to say the horrible thoughts that are in your head, and hope people who know, understand.
I understand, vent away. I hope it makes feel feel better xx
I'm so sorry to hear of your problems too. Here's hoping for us both that we have a better day. Take care XX
 

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
I've got my raving, ranting, venting daughter's hat on again today. Grrrr............. Yesterday popped around to my mothers to make sure the water butt was filled due to possible hosepipe ban. My son and I went through the front door and my mother was in the toilet with the door open. She appeared, laughed and said she'd been asleep since breakfast, it was now noon. Anyway, we did what we needed to do, explained to her why we had done it because of possible hosepipe ban and left. This morning I went in at 7.30, went into the living room to pull the curtains back, then went upstairs to wave the lead at the dog for a walk. On my return, my mother said she didn't like me coming into the house via the side gate - I said we came through the front door. No you and John came through the side gate it was open. Again explained that we came through the front door, spoke to her as she came out of the toilet and then went into the garden to open the side gate to get to the tap. Oh I remember now. Then proceeded - anyway, this is my house and I don't want you coming in doing things that I don't know about. This is my house. Fortunately dog currently down to one walk a day rather than three due to the heat. However, once back to normal temperatures, what do I do - do I leave her a note saying when I intend to return to walk the dog and water the garden and bring her her lunch, etc. or do I just do what I really want to do and leave her to wallow in her house? I wish I could do what some folk have suggested and not think about it the moment I walk away and only think about it when there. Sadly it eats away at me. The other day she was complaining about cobwebs and how she had trouble reaching - I suggested she got her £17 an hour micro-provider to do them - oh she has a cleaner, she doesn't do that sort of thing :) You really couldn't make it up.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,002
0
What a stressful situation! I'm unclear about how much help your mother needs though. Are there things that you could leave? I may be completely wrong but I'm wondering whether some of your visits are checking in / keeping her company type visits that you don't have to do. The dog is undoubtedly a big tie. Three walks a day by you - if that is what is happening - is a huge commitment and keeps you going to the house perhaps more than you would otherwise. Does your mother take the dog out? Does it need to be three times a day rather than two? There are charities which provide dog-walking services. Alternatively, a befriender who likes dogs could be a solution once a week (not much I know). If your mother is losing interest in the dog then perhaps it's time to consider rehoming it as it is a huge commitment for you to walk it twice or three times daily.

The GP sounds dreadful. As others have said, put your concerns in writing. At the very least, your letter or email should go on her file.

There is no easy solution to an irascible PWD who is resistant to help and support. The nuclear option is to step back and wait for a crisis which might prompt action by the health service and SS. Nobody wants his/her PWD to have to go to hospital or be found wandering outside but sometimes that is the only route to the PWD getting the help that s/he needs.
 

Salil Pajwani

New member
Aug 3, 2022
4
0
I really feel for you. The specifics of the situation with my Dad are different, but the general thrust is the same. The only thing that has helped me is to make sure that before going to see him I give myself 15 mins prep time - just to get my head in the right space. The idea of a logical conversation has gone out of the window, but a friend of mine gave me a great tip - just pretend you are playing soft ball tennis with a young child. Don’t even try to do anything other than get the sponge ball over the net when there is a gap in the conversation. Helpful??
 

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
What a stressful situation! I'm unclear about how much help your mother needs though. Are there things that you could leave? I may be completely wrong but I'm wondering whether some of your visits are checking in / keeping her company type visits that you don't have to do. The dog is undoubtedly a big tie. Three walks a day by you - if that is what is happening - is a huge commitment and keeps you going to the house perhaps more than you would otherwise. Does your mother take the dog out? Does it need to be three times a day rather than two? There are charities which provide dog-walking services. Alternatively, a befriender who likes dogs could be a solution once a week (not much I know). If your mother is losing interest in the dog then perhaps it's time to consider rehoming it as it is a huge commitment for you to walk it twice or three times daily.

The GP sounds dreadful. As others have said, put your concerns in writing. At the very least, your letter or email should go on her file.

There is no easy solution to an irascible PWD who is resistant to help and support. The nuclear option is to step back and wait for a crisis which might prompt action by the health service and SS. Nobody wants his/her PWD to have to go to hospital or be found wandering outside but sometimes that is the only route to the PWD getting the help that s/he needs.
Hi Violet Jane, the dog is the one I feel sorry for :) He was 2 kg overweight and the vet kept saying you need to get this weight off. Problem is my mother keeps feeding him handfuls of biscuits, cake, etc. So I go low calorie biscuits, so she fed him more. Anyway, back in September last year she was in hospital for a week following a stroke and I was able to walk and feed him correctly and over the period of about four months managed to get his weight right, at 13 is has become a much happier dog who no longer winces when you try to stroke him. I returned from a dog walk one particular day and took him into the kitchen for his breakfast and she started off so I put his lead back on and said come on we're going for another walk - she lunged at the kitchen door and said you're not taking my dog anywhere and then accused me of trying to hit her and cause another stroke! So I am in a no win situation - I was fully expecting the police or social services to turn up on my doorstep - her having said to me "I always knew you were going to hit me". So, yes, the dog walking I do for the health of the dog, nothing more. Everything else is done for the benefit of my mother, who claims she can't water the garden, can't do this, can't do that - she attempted to go outside on a shopping expedition with her three hour a week micro-provider using only walking sticks, which I said was not fair on the woman because she needs a full walker to get around due to the risk of falling and being too heavy for one person to pick up - that was wrong because her micro-provider isn't horrible like me! Bless. So, secretly, yes I am doing it for the dog but also trying to keep an eye on her as she is not capable of dealing with stuff herself. Idiot proof microwave bought so she can just pop in a meal and ready in 10 minutes - no good, it doesn't work (well it won't if you don't dial a time and shut the door). Wanted a plumber in to repair the washing machine as the door doesn't shut - so I shut the door - how did I do that? Everything is a major problem or a terrible shock - I try to simply sort stuff and she resents it yet her hairdresser or her micro-provider do something and they are wonderful friends who will do anything she asks (yep at £17 an hour for one and the other insisting on cash when I have pointed out it needs to be a cheque). Also, my mother handed over her debit card and her pin so one of them could get her cash out - I have PoA financial and joint bank card - I had to explain to the woman that if something happened which resulted in money being taken from the account fraudulently then they would look to me - responsibilities not to be taken lightly. Recently had her GP phone me to advise that my mother has put a DNR on her notes - I said yes I've known that since last October - oh you know already? I then tried to tackle the GP about not listening in the last four years that I have attempted to get her assessed - the response - ah yes, you're the one that walks the dog, I've only phoned about the DNR - yep, I said, you're not listening, and she put the phone down on me. So you will appreciate that I have absolutely no wish to engage with her GP. Sorry, I've gone off on a long spiel - I must apologise. Thank you again for responding, it just helps to share at times. Thank you again.
 

pingpong

Registered User
Sep 7, 2017
54
0
I really feel for you. The specifics of the situation with my Dad are different, but the general thrust is the same. The only thing that has helped me is to make sure that before going to see him I give myself 15 mins prep time - just to get my head in the right space. The idea of a logical conversation has gone out of the window, but a friend of mine gave me a great tip - just pretend you are playing soft ball tennis with a young child. Don’t even try to do anything other than get the sponge ball over the net when there is a gap in the conversation. Helpful??
Thank you Salil - I might be tempted to pretend I'm playing with a solid cricket ball :)
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,920
0
South coast
Such a difficult time when they flip=flop between realising that they need help and wanting you to do things, and thinking that they can do everything themselves and dont you "interfering"

Its usually the main carer who gets all the flack because they dont understand why they are getting confused and as you are the one around all the time they think you are the one that is causing it all.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
433
0
Hi

I feel totally fed up . Too hot to sleep properly not that I do anyway at the age I am lol but Dad is full of cold and when I face timed him he had his fleece on zipped to the top in his front room which is in full sun at the front of the house, he had different teeth in, everything was wrong , the wrong phone , the wrong chair , no bread in, no bananas . My poor sister who lives closer had been round as she does every day and had had the same so did what she had to do and left. It gets to you. Even though the person cannot help it of course they can't so you feel guilty for feeling horrible about them. You wake up in the night worrying. Told my sister to book a short break, she needs one. If it was simply old age that would be different. Oh well today is another day wishing you all a better one xx