1. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    #1 Lulu, Mar 31, 2006
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2006
    It has been hard at times (harder for most of you here, I know), as we've adjusted to the last 2 years, but life is becoming so very hectic. My 2 youngest children both finish Uni this summer, and will move back home until they find a job. My eldest is also moving back home as she changes jobs. They have all been coming back at incresingly frequent intervals, and this has been a real bonus, however I am finding that I haven't been able to give Mum quite the same amount of attention. No matter how I try, there are never enough hours in the day.

    She now has Daycare and her Group, so I know that whatever happens, I can rely on these (though she isn't happy with her Group anymore), however she can make me feel as though I am failing her by just a look, or the way she says a certain word. We have kept a small stock of frozen meals for when I can't cook, but she is now not eating these at all. This doesn't matter, because she is well nourished, but I feel she's doing it to hurt me, because I have failed to produce a fresh meal. She is now locking the doors against her neighbours, and she finds more and more to critisise. The children have always loved her, but now I sense that they resent her, because of what she's doing to me (and my husband). She was here for my daughter's birthday meal and was in a terrible mood, which in turn upset everyone.

    I took her to the opticians yesterday morning, then collected her for the Group at 1pm. She told me she'd been at a loose end all morning. When she got in from Group, I asked what she'd been doing and out came the stock answer, 'nothing, what is there TO do'.

    I think I have put as much in place as I can for the time being. Her week is well-balanced, but it seems that as she remmebers nothing of what she does, the times she is alone, she thinks I've abandoned her. YET, she has taken a particular dislike to one neighbour following an incident last week, and she has rememebred that ....HOW DOES SHE DO THAT? How can she remember the bad things?

    I am sorry to be so down. I sometimes feel like just giving up. Sitting down and letting whatever is going to happen, happen. Let it all take care of itself.
     
  2. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Hi Lulu,
    You know what your feeling is totally natural and justified ! You are human and can only do what you can do. I have had to come to the realization that I am not going to make my Mom happy and her needs are like a bucket with no bottom, it will never be filled. My Mom calls me over and over wanting me to come over and do something with her. she forgets we just talked and will call again. When I go over and take her places, she has forgotten it within a few minutes of getting home. I just do what I can for the moment because for her, these are not memory making times. I just feel for the moment, I have done something for her knowing that in the next, it won't be enough. Oh well. we just have to do the best we can and recognize that we are entitled to a life and have other people in it that also need us. Yep, I still feel some guilt, like Sunday I will be on a short motorcycle trip with a group instead of taking her to church ( ouch ) But it is a rare occasion that this will happen and I need the break. So I give myself permission to be a little selfish this weekend.
    My husband keeps telling me to remember, "safe, warm, and fed", anything past that is a bonus.
    Enjoy your kids, goodness knows they will on their own soon and this time with them will be gone. Be happy inspite of how your Mom is actting and she will probably be happier herself. It really does remind me of how little children will act badly just to get attention.
    Take care and I hope things get better for you.
    Debbie
     
  3. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    #3 daughter, Mar 31, 2006
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2006
    Dear Lulu,

    I know how upsetting it can be when it feels that no matter how hard you try and do whatever you can, it never seems to be enough.
    In some ways I think you've found the answer. It isn't so much that you will stop doing the things you do for your Mum, (and I know how much effort you have put in trying to make your Mum happy), but it does actually help when you can let some of it "happen" - the stuff that you can't change. Like when your Mum comments and behaves in these ways she is not actually directing them at you but just projecting them out there at someone - who happens to be you at the time. I know that you know that, but it's difficult when you are in the middle of this trying to cope with all the emotions and past expectations. I used to tie myself up in knots trying to get my Dad to be jolly like he used to, felt I'd failed if he was being miserable, now I know whenever he's in "that mood", nothing I can do will change it. I have to ruffle the feathers and let the water slide off them. Just as Rummy says:
    Upsetting the rest of the family is enevitable I'm afraid, until they realise this too and make allowances.

    I wish I could say something more constructive, Lulu, but believe me I have "been there, done that" and know how very hard it is. Sending {{{hugs}} and thinking of you, love from H.
     
  4. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    6,847
    Hi Lulu,

    Not sure that I can add much to the words of the two wise women who have preceded me.

    It's easy to feel like sandwich filling sometimes - squeezed in from above and below. You seem like someone who is genuinely trying to see that your loved ones are well looked after. Your mother probably doesn't have much insight any longer into what you're doing for her and how her actions really affect you.

    These things can have domino effects in families. It's understandable, at a purely emotional level any way, why your children might feel a bit resentful of the situation. Now that they'll be on the scene more (albeit busy looking for jobs) do you think that they will be willing to help in practical ways?

    As for the criticism, if your mother isn't really able to plan and engage in activities much any more, she is just reacting to what is going on around her (as opposed to acting and shaping). It's unfortunate that these reactions can be more negative than positive, but that can also possibly reflect her growing anxiety about her own situtaion.

    Strong emotions make for strong memories. Also, some people just tend to hold onto certain types of feelings longer than others.

    I absolutely agree with Debbie and Hazel on this one. You can only do so much for another human being, but you cannot "engineer" their happiness. You can set the scene, but you can't write the script.

    Take care,

    Sandy
     
  5. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Tried to remove this thread, but can't. Thanks everyone.
     
  6. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Lulu, Please don't think that you
    I certainly didn't mean to make you feel that you are not justified in feeling low. Remember a few weeks back when I was going through a "down" time? You were so supportive and you said;
    Now I feel that way about you and I'm also
    The lows come and go and this is exactly why TP is here, so we can all support each other, so please don't feel ashamed. At that time I was feeling bad about myself, that I should be grateful that my Dad is not as bad as others, and I didn't want to feel a burden or a misery-guts etc, but people on TP do understand this. We may all come up with suggestions for others that sometimes sound like we have the whole thing sewn up ourselves - wrong! We're all struggling along with you but learning bits along the way and pass them on in an effort to help out. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's way off the mark.

    Do you know, I've realised lately that when I post and give advice it is sometimes like talking to myself too. I am reinforcing things I have maybe only recently learned myself, telling myself what I now know deep down but often find so hard to put into practise.

    Lulu, I'm glad you couldn't remove this thread because I'm not going to let a special TP friend think that she can't let off steam once in a while. {{Even bigger hugs}} Connie, quick we need your hugging picture!

    P.S. I have been on the verge of PM'ing you many times, especially since yesterday, but I know that sometimes we all need a bit of space, so please do not think I am not thinking of you. H.
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    MY trun sorry

    Going to see mum in a moment ,but am in so much pain with my back ,don’t know what to do .

    was on my back on floor few weeks a go could not move ,called ambulance ,they would not come its only a back ach ,my daughter phone doctor ,so got some medication ,daughter pick them up from chemist , 2 weeks on still in pain .

    so went to doctors, do you work he ask me? I say no am only a carer. Now all I think why I said ONLY.

    Anyway he sends me for a X-ray, X-ray woman ask me if I had a trauma, yes fell from a height in front room, slam back on to back & just got up ,because I thought who would look after mum ?if I went in to the hospital for check up , when I fall mum was shouting with horror in seeing me fall ,all I was worried was for her to cram her down

    Now 4 mouths on am in so much pain can’t sit for long & stand for long, 2 weeks before I can find out what the blood hell a trauma to my back is ,it feels like Sciatica as the pain runs down my leg, got the feeling that doctor was fed up with me complaining about my back ,Just glad to prove him wrong with X-ray that this pain is not in my mind am not making it up .

    All he give me for the pain now is Ibuprofen ,lets see what X-ray says .

    God am so good in helping other & no good in helping myself
     
  8. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Lulu! Why even think of removing this thread?

    Isn't that why we're all here? To hear, to share, to care, and know you have cared enough to be so honest and someone one like me thinks: 'Oh, it's not just me, after all.'

    You know, since I joined TP, I don't think there has been a day when someone else's post hasn't 'helped'.

    I find myself in a situation where I am tired, frustrated, could turn the air blue... a few weeks ago I just could not cope.. now I am still tired, frustrated and could turn the air bluer than blue... but somehow, feel stronger... even if its just to know someone else wants 'a moan'.

    What I appreciate most in this 'community' is the absolute honesty.... I feel I'm a fraud in that I'm only suffering the early days but this is already hell with the devil with steel-toed boots on.

    I think it was Amy mentioned something in another thread about being 'saint-like' - well I'm afraid my halo choked me long ago.....

    And as for 'selective memory'????!!!! (That's a whole new topic!!!!!:)

    Love to you, Tender Face
     
  9. gettingthere

    gettingthere Registered User

    Jan 25, 2006
    7
    Edinburgh
    New to TP

    Hi
    Iam new to this but have been reading the threads on TP for about a month now.
    My Dad is 92 and has been getting worse for the past 18 months. He went for diagnosis last Feb but we were told that his memory was fine for a 91 year old. My brother and I share the care and my dad has been getting progressively worse. We cannot leave him on his own for a minute otherwise he gets very agigitated and thinks we have abandoned him.We did get a respite place for him in January but he lasted two hours. Apparently was about to take a heart attack until he was told my brother would be back to pick him up. We finally got Haliperidol from the Doc and this seems to calm him down. We are hoping to get him into respite again soon. But we are not holding out much hope that he will stay.
    I think the TP is excellent as I can really empathise with what people post and at least I feel that my emotions are not uncommon. Feelings of love, resentment and utter despair and yet I am probably not going through as nearly a rough time as some of you.
    Sorry for rambling but i just needed to get in touch.
     
  10. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hello, and welcome to TP.

    Please feel free to ramble on at any time. We all need a special place to share our hopes and fears on.

    Hope respite works out better for you next time. Let us know how you get on.
    Take care now,

    Connie
     
  11. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hey, it's not a competition. All stages are s*** 'rough times', it's only the depth that varies!

    And please don't apologise for rambling, we all do it, and need to do it, and are probably stronger for having found somewhere to do it.
     

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