I've been looking after both my parents needs since 2012 and before that had looked after my Mum's needs as she has always been a sickly person. My Mother very emotionally immature, demanding and lacks any empathy and I believe is verging on Narcissism and my Father has always been very wrapped up in his feelings and buried his head in the sand at the sign of difficulties.
Fast forward to now, my Mum has mid/late stage vascular dementia and Dad has heart failure. When I first saw the signs, I tried to ask my family for help but no-one listened until it got really serious. I managed to get my Mum diagnosed - something for which she has never forgiven me - but after diagnosis she was just discharged with no further help offered.
2 years ago my youngest brother moved in to help and now we are stuck here in ever deteriorating circumstances. Both parents are difficult to manage because my Dad only has 30% of his heart working, but my Mum is impossible. She creates utter chaos on a daily basis and has to be watched all the time as she might set the house on fire, damage herself or just empty her bowels everywhere. We are all worn out and my Father is on his last legs. We have tried a few carers in the morning but when they are here she behaves perfectly and then empties her bowels the moment they leave the house. Because we are all at the end of our tethers we end up shouting at her and getting angry. Even though we know this does not help, it's the stress and exhaustion that causes the frazzled irritable mind set. At the moment we are trying to sell a property to pay for full time care as my Mum has too much in the property to warrant free care.
Now for the biggest problem. Me and my brother who live with our parents want to put Mum in a good home with the proceeds of the property we are trying to sell. We have another brother occupying the shop who has behavioural problems. Last year I was attacked by him and suffered a severe broken arm - the courts closed the case because of lack of evidence as it's all done on a points basis now! We are having to hire a lawyer to evict him so we can sell the property to raise the money for proper care.
The bigger problem is our eldest brother who has an overblown sense of entitlement but point blank refuses to let us put Mum in a home. He refuses to help us in any practical way but just barks orders at us and wants to be informed of everything regarding money which he thinks he is entitled to. He has huge unresolved issues regarding our parents but will not deal with any of them and just blames others for everything that is wrong in his life. If we dare to do anything without first telling him, he hits the roof and becomes enraged and then pushes his rage onto us. This has happened several times and it's utterly exhausting. It's an uphill struggle to try to get around him. Both my younger brother and myself are in a prison of restriction with regard to our older brother because of his anger and his need to control every situation where money is involved. We are trying every way we can to get round this awful situation because if we make an enemy out of him, I fear the consequences will never end. In the meantime living with Mum in her deteriorating condition has us all trapped and my Father is slowly dying of his condition. I'm trying my best to keep things together whilst coming up with a plan that will work but it's not easy. Any advice from anyone who has been in any similar situation would be appreciated. Thank you
Fast forward to now, my Mum has mid/late stage vascular dementia and Dad has heart failure. When I first saw the signs, I tried to ask my family for help but no-one listened until it got really serious. I managed to get my Mum diagnosed - something for which she has never forgiven me - but after diagnosis she was just discharged with no further help offered.
2 years ago my youngest brother moved in to help and now we are stuck here in ever deteriorating circumstances. Both parents are difficult to manage because my Dad only has 30% of his heart working, but my Mum is impossible. She creates utter chaos on a daily basis and has to be watched all the time as she might set the house on fire, damage herself or just empty her bowels everywhere. We are all worn out and my Father is on his last legs. We have tried a few carers in the morning but when they are here she behaves perfectly and then empties her bowels the moment they leave the house. Because we are all at the end of our tethers we end up shouting at her and getting angry. Even though we know this does not help, it's the stress and exhaustion that causes the frazzled irritable mind set. At the moment we are trying to sell a property to pay for full time care as my Mum has too much in the property to warrant free care.
Now for the biggest problem. Me and my brother who live with our parents want to put Mum in a good home with the proceeds of the property we are trying to sell. We have another brother occupying the shop who has behavioural problems. Last year I was attacked by him and suffered a severe broken arm - the courts closed the case because of lack of evidence as it's all done on a points basis now! We are having to hire a lawyer to evict him so we can sell the property to raise the money for proper care.
The bigger problem is our eldest brother who has an overblown sense of entitlement but point blank refuses to let us put Mum in a home. He refuses to help us in any practical way but just barks orders at us and wants to be informed of everything regarding money which he thinks he is entitled to. He has huge unresolved issues regarding our parents but will not deal with any of them and just blames others for everything that is wrong in his life. If we dare to do anything without first telling him, he hits the roof and becomes enraged and then pushes his rage onto us. This has happened several times and it's utterly exhausting. It's an uphill struggle to try to get around him. Both my younger brother and myself are in a prison of restriction with regard to our older brother because of his anger and his need to control every situation where money is involved. We are trying every way we can to get round this awful situation because if we make an enemy out of him, I fear the consequences will never end. In the meantime living with Mum in her deteriorating condition has us all trapped and my Father is slowly dying of his condition. I'm trying my best to keep things together whilst coming up with a plan that will work but it's not easy. Any advice from anyone who has been in any similar situation would be appreciated. Thank you
