1. lavinia pupker

    lavinia pupker New member

    Apr 15, 2018
    I've been looking after both my parents needs since 2012 and before that had looked after my Mum's needs as she has always been a sickly person. My Mother very emotionally immature, demanding and lacks any empathy and I believe is verging on Narcissism and my Father has always been very wrapped up in his feelings and buried his head in the sand at the sign of difficulties.

    Fast forward to now, my Mum has mid/late stage vascular dementia and Dad has heart failure. When I first saw the signs, I tried to ask my family for help but no-one listened until it got really serious. I managed to get my Mum diagnosed - something for which she has never forgiven me - but after diagnosis she was just discharged with no further help offered.

    2 years ago my youngest brother moved in to help and now we are stuck here in ever deteriorating circumstances. Both parents are difficult to manage because my Dad only has 30% of his heart working, but my Mum is impossible. She creates utter chaos on a daily basis and has to be watched all the time as she might set the house on fire, damage herself or just empty her bowels everywhere. We are all worn out and my Father is on his last legs. We have tried a few carers in the morning but when they are here she behaves perfectly and then empties her bowels the moment they leave the house. Because we are all at the end of our tethers we end up shouting at her and getting angry. Even though we know this does not help, it's the stress and exhaustion that causes the frazzled irritable mind set. At the moment we are trying to sell a property to pay for full time care as my Mum has too much in the property to warrant free care.

    Now for the biggest problem. Me and my brother who live with our parents want to put Mum in a good home with the proceeds of the property we are trying to sell. We have another brother occupying the shop who has behavioural problems. Last year I was attacked by him and suffered a severe broken arm - the courts closed the case because of lack of evidence as it's all done on a points basis now! We are having to hire a lawyer to evict him so we can sell the property to raise the money for proper care.

    The bigger problem is our eldest brother who has an overblown sense of entitlement but point blank refuses to let us put Mum in a home. He refuses to help us in any practical way but just barks orders at us and wants to be informed of everything regarding money which he thinks he is entitled to. He has huge unresolved issues regarding our parents but will not deal with any of them and just blames others for everything that is wrong in his life. If we dare to do anything without first telling him, he hits the roof and becomes enraged and then pushes his rage onto us. This has happened several times and it's utterly exhausting. It's an uphill struggle to try to get around him. Both my younger brother and myself are in a prison of restriction with regard to our older brother because of his anger and his need to control every situation where money is involved. We are trying every way we can to get round this awful situation because if we make an enemy out of him, I fear the consequences will never end. In the meantime living with Mum in her deteriorating condition has us all trapped and my Father is slowly dying of his condition. I'm trying my best to keep things together whilst coming up with a plan that will work but it's not easy. Any advice from anyone who has been in any similar situation would be appreciated. Thank you
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    Hello @lavinia pupker, you are welcome here.

    That situation is too much to bear alone. Self funding or not, you are entitled to a needs assessment for your parents and yourself. I’ll post a link to our helpline and the relevant Society Factsheet in a moment
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm



    Click the second line of the above link for an easier read of the document.

    The experts on the helpline are very good so I do hope you can give them a call.
  4. lavinia pupker

    lavinia pupker New member

    Apr 15, 2018
    Thank you so much for your help.
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Does anyone have power of attorney?
  6. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello Lavinia
    I too was wondering about LPA
    it sounds as though they would be useful for both your parents, though I fear your mum may no longer have the capacity to agree and sign ... if she does, in your opinion, maybe get the forms filled in, the people you will need organised and invited round to tea to sign .. strictly the choice of Attorneys is for the donor to make, I guess you and the brother who lives with you are best placed to suggest to your parents, to act jointly and severally
    if you are implying that your other brother is their Attorney, he must manage their affairs in their best financial interests, and withholding finances for care or refusing to sell a property is not acting on their best intetests
    here's a link to the Gov site
    any property of your parents can only be sold by them if they have the capacity to conduct the sale ... otherwise you will need to use the LPA or apply for Deputyship with permission to sell property

    maybe also contact Admiral Nurses as they are there to help carers

    let your parents' GP know what's happening and exactly how each of your parents are, so they know the whole picture ... some meds may well help your mum ... and ask for an appointment with the continence nurse at the practice

    and keep the Local Authority Adult Services informed, so they are at least aware of the situation .. maybe ask for a referral to day care so your mum has some time out of the house

    her ability to 'fool' carers and medics is called 'hostess' mode on DTP ... where the person puts all their energy into appearing fine, then is so exhausted later and reverts to not being in control

    this thread on compassionare communication gave me some idea how life was for my dad and some strategies to help support him

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