• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

I need to get away but cannot leave my partner alone

Alolla

Registered User
Mar 31, 2014
11
London
Hello, I am new to Talking Point; this is my first post.

My husband is still in the early to mid-stages of Alzheimer's disease (his last MMSE score this February was a generous 15). He also has vascular dementia and recently (in January this year) suffered a small but significant bleed in his brain, which has left him with noticeable visual-spatial coordination eccentricities. My problem is that since his small stroke, he wants me with him all the time. He has been somewhat rude and uncooperative with carers who have recently come to the house to give me emergency respite. He either runs away from the carer if they are away from our home, or he ignores them and goes to a different room in the house if they are at home. He is not a "joiner", meaning he doesn't like to join in group activities, so a day care is out. He will not go, even if I go with him. A recent visit by a social worker confirmed that he was a poor candidate for going into a care home ---- I have family abroad and am desperate for a break and the chance to visit my grandchildren, whom I haven't seen for a year. I thought he would be best off in a care home, where he would be looked after by trained professionals, but I have been told that he is not a good candidate for a care home because of his resistance to care from anyone besides me; if he refuses to go into a home we cannot force him to do so. Please help. I need to find a way to get away and see my family. (This is a second marriage for us both.)
 

clareglen

Registered User
Jul 9, 2013
318
Cumbria
Hmm. You do need/must have the break. It's not helpful to say he's not a good candidate. Are any of them? I don't know any with dementia who want to go into a home. My mum is not a 'joiner' either but I make her go to daycare once a week, she complains every week but I've toughened up, no is not an option. I also put her into a home for 2 wks respite. My mum will also not have anyone else tend to her except me but she had to & she coped. My mum is small so I can 'move' her & if she's being extra obstructive I say I'll get my husband, normally does the trick :rolleyes: I don't know who told you he's not a good candidate but he could be sectioned if he won't go. It's hard for you but I would contact SW & say you must have a break. If you can't get him to go with persuasion then tell him you'll have him sectioned, would that work? Tell SW you're having carer breakdown & you'll drop him off at their offices, anything to get them to help.

Are you self funding? If so, then just arrange one direct, tell him he's going on holiday, into hospital, anything.
 

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
London
Hello Alolla, thank you for introducing yourself and welcome to Talking Point, just a small thought, would it be any use if you could have a consultation with your GP(if you and your husband are in the same practice even better) as if this goes on you may spiral into carers meltdown - like many of us - and your husband will have no choice but to be looked after away from home:eek: sometimes an extra input from a doctor regarding the importance of you as his carer may just help with social services, if they are prepared to supply carers in an emergency respite situation, could they not try a couple of days (before you go away) respite in a care home? where he will be looked after by trained professionals who may have a different approach with him, and can also assess him, they are the right people to advise SS if looking after him is too "difficult" :rolleyes:
Take care and please keep posting, support and understanding is here for you and maybe someone will be along here who has been in a similar situation and can give you more advice.
Chris x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,410
Kent
Poor candidate is no excuse. My husband also went into another room when anyone came to see him .

I did eventually persuade him the doctor thought he should have convalescent care to build up his strength and he accepted that but I suspect he was at a later stage than your husband.

I do hope you get someone to support your needs.
 

helly71

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
115
east midlands
Oh my word....you have to have a break whenever you need one.
You have no legal responsibility for the care of your husband and if you are ill or absent He would brobably go into care. And like most people adjust in time. S.S see competent partners as way of lightening there work load( sorry harsh I know)
please be brave push hard and get the respite you need/ deserve.
Ill carers don't Make good carers. X