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I need someone to talk to

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
Thank you, your comments and others have really helped me. My therapist suggested I reach out when I told her how guilty I felt about hating my husband some of the time, she said there would be other people out there who felt the same, and she was right. I can't bear to go to dementia cafes because they're full of white-haired ladies who are talking about all the things they do to stimulate their husbands and I'm not a white haired old lady and I can't be the sort of carer they're being.
I’m not a white haired lady either, and my husband is 20 years older than me. I used to avoid all the dementia events, because I needed something more stimulating for me! Unfortunately, reality has kicked in, and if I don’t go to those events, I end up with no social interaction at all! I still have a problem where my husband would prefer not to see anyone else at all, so I end up cajoling him to come to such events. You may just find some good info when you go to the dementia cafes, and people are kind, and friendly because they need company too. At the same time, some people seem to go to dementia events several times a week, and I couldn't face that either. Please don’t cut yourself off, you may make some friends with good experience who can help you face this awful world you find yourself in. I made a friend at such an event, who is older than me, but her advice is invaluable and she is such a lovely lady, we can chat about all sorts. My husband likes her (we met her while her husband with dementia was still alive) and I have no difficulty getting him to come to meet her.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
534
Thank you, your comments and others have really helped me. My therapist suggested I reach out when I told her how guilty I felt about hating my husband some of the time, she said there would be other people out there who felt the same, and she was right. I can't bear to go to dementia cafes because they're full of white-haired ladies who are talking about all the things they do to stimulate their husbands and I'm not a white haired old lady and I can't be the sort of carer they're being.
If there was a 'LIKE' button I would hit it. But I'm going to try a Memory Cafe, my partner might enjoy it and then it's a bit of a break if he does because there will be other folk for me to talk to.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
534
I’m not a white haired lady either, and my husband is 20 years older than me. I used to avoid all the dementia events, because I needed something more stimulating for me! Unfortunately, reality has kicked in, and if I don’t go to those events, I end up with no social interaction at all! I still have a problem where my husband would prefer not to see anyone else at all, so I end up cajoling him to come to such events. You may just find some good info when you go to the dementia cafes, and people are kind, and friendly because they need company too. At the same time, some people seem to go to dementia events several times a week, and I couldn't face that either. Please don’t cut yourself off, you may make some friends with good experience who can help you face this awful world you find yourself in. I made a friend at such an event, who is older than me, but her advice is invaluable and she is such a lovely lady, we can chat about all sorts. My husband likes her (we met her while her husband with dementia was still alive) and I have no difficulty getting him to come to meet her.
I also made a good friend who is older than me and whose husband had dementia (now passed away) and she has been a huge help to me to get me through it and see there is light at the end of the tunnel. And the good thing is that the people who've been there are really the only ones who understand what we're going through and will also make an effort with our PWD.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
I also made a good friend who is older than me and whose husband had dementia (now passed away) and she has been a huge help to me to get me through it and see there is light at the end of the tunnel. And the good thing is that the people who've been there are really the only ones who understand what we're going through and will also make an effort with our PWD.
It really does help to have someone who understands, doesn’t it? Memory cafes vary obviously, but some can be quite good fun. My husband’s dementia is getting worse, so quite often I enjoy the activities more than he does, and it is an opportunity to talk to someone different.
 

dancer12

Registered User
Jan 9, 2017
498
Mississauga
It really does help to have someone who understands, doesn’t it? Memory cafes vary obviously, but some can be quite good fun. My husband’s dementia is getting worse, so quite often I enjoy the activities more than he does, and it is an opportunity to talk to someone different.
Dementia is mot an older people illness anymore, more & more younger people are getting diagnosed with it therefore younger & younger people go to these cafes. I go to a support group & the information & advice is invaluable as is all of the info I get from people on TP. Both are not only a source of advice & info but a big source of meeting people for those who can't get out often enough to socialize.. :) Have a nice day.
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
420
Sheffield
Hi Vitesse in the early days if my OH was being awful I’d ring the memory clinic and they sent 2 heavily built black men my OH was a little scared of them and would listen to them when they were telling him about his behaviour. One was telling him about how he used to be a boxer. They were both mental health nurses now.

They used to call and see him when I was out at work and came twice a week for about 4 weeks. He did behave better for a while and I could tell him if was being awful that I would be asking them to visit us again which would shut him up a bit,
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
Hi Vitesse in the early days if my OH was being awful I’d ring the memory clinic and they sent 2 heavily built black men my OH was a little scared of them and would listen to them when they were telling him about his behaviour. One was telling him about how he used to be a boxer. They were both mental health nurses now.

They used to call and see him when I was out at work and came twice a week for about 4 weeks. He did behave better for a while and I could tell him if was being awful that I would be asking them to visit us again which would shut him up a bit,
Sounds like a marvellous ruse!
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,411
I’m not a white haired lady either, and my husband is 20 years older than me. I used to avoid all the dementia events, because I needed something more stimulating for me! Unfortunately, reality has kicked in, and if I don’t go to those events, I end up with no social interaction at all! I still have a problem where my husband would prefer not to see anyone else at all, so I end up cajoling him to come to such events. You may just find some good info when you go to the dementia cafes, and people are kind, and friendly because they need company too. At the same time, some people seem to go to dementia events several times a week, and I couldn't face that either. Please don’t cut yourself off, you may make some friends with good experience who can help you face this awful world you find yourself in. I made a friend at such an event, who is older than me, but her advice is invaluable and she is such a lovely lady, we can chat about all sorts. My husband likes her (we met her while her husband with dementia was still alive) and I have no difficulty getting him to come to meet her.
Hello, white haired old lady here. It's actually quite fetching. anyway, wanted to say how much I understand, how important it is to try to put yourself in a non-dementia situation sometimes, but this is risk of no social interaction at all, as you say.
Because I can be mouthy, I used to use ordinary cafes and it is surprising how quickly a friendship group grows, because as you say others need company too. Also I could keep an eye on my husband while talking with the others.
Then of all things, our local church contacted me with an invitation to join a small Friday afternoon discussion group. I could not find anyone to stay with my husband so I risked going for just one hour. I came back to destruction and awful stuff, but I persisted. The group consisted of more white haired old ladies, but my goodness me! One is a professional musician, another a prison teacher, another a drama coach and yet another a retired matron … You cannot imagine how wonderful this group is. Sadly my husband has died now. I lead the little group now and it is the highlight of my life!! There are some fun people out there, I promise. Whatever colour their hair.
warmest, Kindred.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
Hello, white haired old lady here. It's actually quite fetching. anyway, wanted to say how much I understand, how important it is to try to put yourself in a non-dementia situation sometimes, but this is risk of no social interaction at all, as you say.
Because I can be mouthy, I used to use ordinary cafes and it is surprising how quickly a friendship group grows, because as you say others need company too. Also I could keep an eye on my husband while talking with the others.
Then of all things, our local church contacted me with an invitation to join a small Friday afternoon discussion group. I could not find anyone to stay with my husband so I risked going for just one hour. I came back to destruction and awful stuff, but I persisted. The group consisted of more white haired old ladies, but my goodness me! One is a professional musician, another a prison teacher, another a drama coach and yet another a retired matron … You cannot imagine how wonderful this group is. Sadly my husband has died now. I lead the little group now and it is the highlight of my life!! There are some fun people out there, I promise. Whatever colour their hair.
warmest, Kindred.
My hair is almost white, but has been since I was in my twenties!! As I said, it’s sometimes difficult to see beyond the here and now. I am really trying to get to some groups or something to break the monotony, and I take heart from what you said. I will persevere, but I also feel that I must do my best for my husband too. He didn’t deserve this awful disease, but then neither did I!!!!
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
Hi Vitesse in the early days if my OH was being awful I’d ring the memory clinic and they sent 2 heavily built black men my OH was a little scared of them and would listen to them when they were telling him about his behaviour. One was telling him about how he used to be a boxer. They were both mental health nurses now.

They used to call and see him when I was out at work and came twice a week for about 4 weeks. He did behave better for a while and I could tell him if was being awful that I would be asking them to visit us again which would shut him up a bit,
Your solution sounds very effective. One of my problems is that no one else tells my husband that he is out of order, except me. I tell the mental health team and social workers what is happening, but all I get is sympathy and platitudes but they never tell him that he shouldn’t be doing and saying these things. I often think that if someone in ‘authority’ told him it would sink in more. Perhaps that’s wishful thinking.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
We had a visit by a volunteer from the RAFA on Friday and it went reasonably well. I didn’t tell my husband he was coming and we sat down together for a cup of tea. I tried to get my OH to engage in the conversation, but he finds that very difficult, and he is also fairly deaf even with hearing aids. Anyway, it gave me a chance to talk to someone and it was a pleasant hour. He will come again in two weeks time, but in the meantime I haven’t asked my husbands view and will keep quiet until the man comes again. It wasn’t a roaring success, but not a disaster either, so fingers crossed for the next visit.
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
420
Sheffield
It’s a shame they don’t talk to him, the mental health nurse did talk to him about my needs aswell. Telling him I needed to go out alone or with friends and needing my own space. It did work for a while when I went to the spa with my daughter he was fine when I got back.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
It’s a shame they don’t talk to him, the mental health nurse did talk to him about my needs aswell. Telling him I needed to go out alone or with friends and needing my own space. It did work for a while when I went to the spa with my daughter he was fine when I got back.
That’s what I would have liked them to do, but I think it’s gone too far now, I doubt he’d understand any more. The mental health doctor tells me I should go to another room and give myself some space - we live in a 2 bedroom flat, where do you find space there?? We’ve just had another tantrum because I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me, and it needed more than a yes/no answer. To be fair, he has realised he was out of order and has apologised, but he’ll forget that and we’ll be back to square one. What a life!!
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
126
Thank you x
Please believe me when I say I don't think there's a single saint amongst us. Maybe as we respond to posts on here we try to cheer up the other person by talking about the positive ways we seek in order to cope, and play down some of our heartache.
I feel like I must be a saint at times,( even though my halo slips a lot) but this is only because my husband is not yet at the stage where I would need to blow my top completely. I know that day will come, and that's the time my halo will get chucked in the dustbin, I'm sure.
Meanwhile I have every admiration for all those of you who are coping with far worse than me.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
143
You're not alone. My husband just sits and gazes at me like a puppy. He follows me round the house and no longer reads or uses his computer (for the news etc), he just sits and wants to be in the same room as me. I still manage to work part-time, because it gets me away from him for a few hours 2-3 days a week. I don't know how much longer this will be possible - though I tell him where I'm going and leave a written note, he almost always calls me to ask where I am and frequently goes round my daughter's house asking where I am. He's reluctant to go out socially, though sometimes I make that happen, and when anyone comes round he doesn't say a word, it's as if he isn't there. I've tried to get him to accept a helper for when I'm out, to make sure he has breakfast/lunch, but he won't accept that. He only wants to do things with me, he even asks if he can come to work with me. I should be patient and caring like so many people on this forum seem to be, but I'm angry and frustrated and when it's time to go home I often go for a coffee to put off that walk through the door. I'm 67 and I still have lots of energy and things I want to do with my life but I can't because of this ball and chain - OK I've said it. We've been together since I was 17, and I loved my husband through thick and thin, but now he's no longer my husband and that love is wearing very thin. I don't know how other people manage to be so self-sacrificing. I'm having therapy for depression which is helping a bit, but I can't shake the depression off because the cause of it is sitting at home waiting to suck all the joy and vitality out of me the minute I walk through the door. Is there anyone else out there who feels like this? Everyone else seems to be so patient and kind.
I have one of those fun sucking husbands too, or the curmudgeonly old git as I sometimes refer to him. He worked, that’s all he did, no hobbies or other interests. So now, he waits for me to do things with him. But I still work 2 days, and have 2 daughters and a granddaughter to see. Last week, I was upstairs sewing, and he phoned me up to see when I would be home. This stage is tough, I just don’t know what to do with him, he moans about everything, the cold, going out, staying in! No, I am not always patient and kind.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
I have one of those fun sucking husbands too, or the curmudgeonly old git as I sometimes refer to him. He worked, that’s all he did, no hobbies or other interests. So now, he waits for me to do things with him. But I still work 2 days, and have 2 daughters and a granddaughter to see. Last week, I was upstairs sewing, and he phoned me up to see when I would be home. This stage is tough, I just don’t know what to do with him, he moans about everything, the cold, going out, staying in! No, I am not always patient and kind.
I try to be patient, but I’m afraid I blow my top more than I would like to.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,023
Yorkshire
Please believe me when I say I don't think there's a single saint amongst us. Maybe as we respond to posts on here we try to cheer up the other person by talking about the positive ways we seek in order to cope, and play down some of our heartache.
I feel like I must be a saint at times,( even though my halo slips a lot) but this is only because my husband is not yet at the stage where I would need to blow my top completely. I know that day will come, and that's the time my halo will get chucked in the dustbin, I'm sure.
Meanwhile I have every admiration for all those of you who are coping with far worse than me.
If I had a halo it would need to be on elastic because it would be slipping off that often. It would probably slap me in the face as it slipped too lol.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
534
I have one of those fun sucking husbands too, or the curmudgeonly old git as I sometimes refer to him. He worked, that’s all he did, no hobbies or other interests. So now, he waits for me to do things with him. But I still work 2 days, and have 2 daughters and a granddaughter to see. Last week, I was upstairs sewing, and he phoned me up to see when I would be home. This stage is tough, I just don’t know what to do with him, he moans about everything, the cold, going out, staying in! No, I am not always patient and kind.
My partner's just the same, sole destroying isn't it xxx
 

Gillywilly

Registered User
Sep 21, 2018
21
My husband was diagnosed with AD in 2017 although he had the symptoms for some time before. I have no family close by and am his sole carer. He struggles to communicate and I mostly fail to understand what he is saying. I am 20 years younger than my husband. I have managed up to now, but in the last few months the social worker has been trying to find options to give me some respite. My problem is that my husband flatly refuses to have anyone else to sit with him or take him out. We have tried a PA, a Day Centre, and he will not cooperate. This week I have had a volunteer from the RAFA offering to come to spend some time with him, and again he refuses to have him come. I am at the end of my tether, as I can’t have any time to my self, nor even someone to chat to other than phone calls. I don’t know how much longer I can face this. Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation please?