I'm no saint either, in fact yesterday I think I behaved very badly.
I was really pigged off with mum and told her so. I can blame being shattered, stressed, emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, pmt, perimenopausal or just that I am a grumpy bad tempered bug@@@
The day was going ok we'd not had too bad a night, think I'd had about 5 hrs sleep mostly in one go which is a VERY good night, the morning had gone ok, the weekly trip to supermarket had been stressful as usual and I was quite peeved after that but then we went back at my house for lunch and we were all reading magazines with a little bit of chatting and mum managed two hours which lately is a miracle.
But then she gave up and after a few minutes said one of her most used phrases that drive me mad and often push me over the edge 'are you not talking to me?'
We had five minutes of variations of this from mum and me saying, we've been talking but we were reading magazines so not talking much and I'll just finish this, before I gave in and put the paper down. Then mum said again I hadn't been talking to her so was i mad at her?
Well nasty impatient Andrea came out. I told her nobody had been talking much including her because we were all reading, I wasn't ignoring her and she hadn't spoken to me much in last couple of hours either but I didn't think she was mad at me just that she was doing something else,
This is a regular thing with mum whenever she is bored she looks to me to fix it and even if only been quiet for five minutes she ask why I'm not talking to her, or some variation of that.
Well yesterday I was peeved and when she carried on about me doing stuff and ignoring her. I snapped and said 'oh mum don't start with the woe is me again I'm not in the mood.' Not nice I know. Mum came back with what do you mean? what have I done? why do you not like me? I told her all the usual things I say about not being mad, we were all quiet, I was just reading, it had only been a few minutes since she stopped reading, its not fair to expect me to give her all my attention all the time.
I was quite snappy which upset her, then me and we calmed down a bit, but then it lead to a discussion about mums behaviour and what she expects of me and how she feels, how I feel, which for a while was quite calm but as mum doesn't follow conversations well or retain what we say it goes on in a loop which I find frustrating. We had almost 3 hours of this, alternating between calm discussion, repeating the same things, being upset and getting angry. At times I was really quite nasty when mum disagreed with what I said she did or said things that were untrue and I was so annoyed and angry I could not keep calm for the last half hour of it so mum decided she wanted to go home alone. She didn't want me to go with her as I had no compassion and was horrible.
I was tempted to take her home and leave but I also felt horrible for being nasty and I know she wouldn't have managed so I said I was going with her. Cue another half hour of us arguing in the kitchen in our coats about if i was staying or not. I even used the F word!!! now I'm not much of a swearer, blo@@@ and sh@@ and bug@@@ at times but I don't use the F word but it does occassionally pop out at times when I loose it. Probably not said it a dozen times in my 47 years even half a dozen so we were all shocked.
Eventually we got to mums and came in and she said I wasn't staying I said I was. When I was seeing hubby off home she came to front door telling me to go and if I didn't go she would throw me out and came behind me to push me out the door. I stepped away a bit pushing door so It was near me and mum couldn't get to it. She said again your not staying here in my house al throw you out .
I'm not proud of myself for saying this but I said. Touch me and I'll phone police and have you sectioned. I could have kicked myself for saying it I don't where it came from. Its not even like they would, and it was my fault we were arguing so I probably was one who police would blame.
Anyway mum walked off in to room, hubby went home and there we were mum and I stuck together not speaking. Mum put her nightie on and I sat there feeling sick and shocked. About another hour passed before we were talking properly. She said she shouldn't have said she didnt renember it all or know exactly what she had said but knows she shouldn't have and I said I shouldn't have said what I did either and I shouldn't have been nasty and I was sorry.
By bedtime we were ok and mums normal bedtime in and out of bed checking plugs and doors routine passed without me getting nasty and eventually mum stayed in bed around midnight.
This morning she had forgotten it until we were chatting about going out today with hubby and she sort of remembered we argued but wasnt mad at me about it.
I feel guilty and cant believe I swore or threatened her with police etc