1. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    Hi, I have been a lurker on this board for a few weeks now.

    Could someone give me some advice.

    My mum has been diagnosed with dementia. The problem is my Dad waits on her hand and foot and I am convinced she plays it to the hilt. He, however, explodes every so often due to the fact that he allows her to run rings round him. She attends a Club 2 days a week and could go for 3 or more day per week but my Dad says it is so much bother to get her to go for 2 days it's not worth it. The night before she's due to go she constantly says she doesn't want to go (sometimes he even tells her she doesn't have to go).

    When he tries to explain to her that she has to go to the Club as it's for his good she is completely unconcerned about him and only seems to think of herself constantly.

    She keeps him up most of the night (but he still allows her to sleep during the day as she says her eyes are sore).

    I'm sorry to say but she has turned into a moaning faced woman. She seems to moan about anything and everything. If you look at her sideways or say the wrong thing your life is not worth living. Is this all part of this horrible disease or could there be a bit of play acting here.

    What I'm looking for is some way to tell her she has dementia and to give everyone a rest she has to go to the Club.

    Sorry if I've ranted on but I'm getting to the stage where I don't even like her anymore. How awful is that?
  2. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    Totally selfish with thoughts only for themselves long before the actual AD

    Always moaning and complaining

    very very manipulative

    Yup ........all part of the rich tapestry of AD

    If you tell her she has Dementia she will swear its you thats mad

    If the doctor tells her ........she will hate him

    Your Father must stand up to her and insist she goes out 3 days a week for the sake of his own sanity and health

    Equally he needs to get the doctor to prescribe sleeping tablets for her so he gets a nights rest

    Its your Father who needs convincing ........your Mother wont listen
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Taylorcat,
    Not awful, I think most of us go there or have been there at some point.

    Your mum is now living in a crazy, mixed up world. She is increasingly forgetting things; sideways looks, smiles and other gestures which she could interpret in the past, now confuse her, she can't understand the body language. Even if she can understand that she has dementia, she will be trying to deny it. Your father is probably her security, and she will not understand why he wants to send her away, why he needs a rest from her, because she probably thinks that she is still doing everything. Remember, even small tasks like getting dressed may take a lot of brain power.

    Try and be patient with mum - I am sure that most of what you descibe is down to the dementia. How do you feel dad is coping with the situation?
  4. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    Thanks for your replies. I agree it is my Dad who needs convincing but he will not make her do anything she doesn't want to do and it's so infuriating.

    Dad has accepted the diagnosis but as I said let's her run rings round him and I can't convince him otherwise, no matter how I try to approach it.

    Mum was on 5mg olanzapine and the doc. prescribed temazapam for sleeping (which didn't work). Olanzapine has now been increased to 10mg in the hope of her sleeping.
    Not ideal but if it's the only way my Dad is going to get a sleep.
  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    It is It really is

    because the way your mother is now is now my mother was in the early stage of dementia in time when the medication starts working your dad can encourage you mum to do things on her own with him standing near by

    I use to think like that
    whole family use to think mum was play acting (if only she was I wish now )

    It’s the brain damage, it’s the brain damage, it’s the drain damage, just keep saying that to yourself when you feel resentful in how your mum treating your dad. if you get some good book on AD your be amazed at what your saying is in those book and give you some good tips in how to cope and good insight in what is happening to your mum brain

    I only wish I got the books when mum was newly diagnosed, why not buy some for your dad to read?
  6. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    Thanks, Margarita, can anyone suggest the better books to buy?

    My Dad doesn't think she is acting up, he makes out as if she can do absolutely nothing for herself and this is not the case. When I go along to see them at say anytime up until 1pm she is still in bed, my Dad having taken her breakfast up on a tray and she has gone back for a sleep. I'm sorry but I just think that is out of order.
  7. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Taylorcat
    welcome to talking point
    Who has made the diagnosis? A consultant or the GP?
    Is Mum on any medication available for the treatment of AD?
    Sorry to ask so many questions but there is help out there which could be a great help to Dad.
    Have a look at this fact sheet itmay be helpful.
    Best wishes
  8. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    Norman the diagnosis was made by a consultant. She was also recently admitted to a psychiatric hospital due to the fact that she kept trying to get out of the house, saying she was trying to get away from my Dad. She currently takes Aricept.

    Where is the fact sheet you mention?
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    This one is for your dad
    The selfish pigs Guide to Caring –hugh Marriott

    The 36-Hour day A family guide to caring for person with Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementing illnesses and memory loss in later life –Nancy .l Mace,M.A peter V,Rabins,M.D. M.P.H

    Learing to speak Alzhimers The New Approach to living positively with Alzheimers Disease Joanne Koenig Coste .

    They sell them also already been read, but they still come in excellent condition.
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya taylorcat,
    One thing I found that I had to remember was that my parents were both adults, it was their relationship. Dad did make mistakes, put his own health at risk, but even if I didn't agree, I had to respect his right to make decisions about how he managed the situation. And I had to be there, ready to help pick up the pieces when things went pear shaped - that's my understanding of what family is all about.
    Love Helen
  11. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    Couldn't agree more Helen, it's difficult to stand on the sidelines but you have to do it, in the hope that all those conversations you tried to have with the 'caring' parent about taking care of themselves has sunk in! If not you can only pick up the pieces........:(
  12. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    Its all very well you saying that most people accept their diagnosis

    Just how does one deal with someone like my Mother

    I cant find any help or info or advice anywhere she does not fit any pattern I have read about

    She is so incredibly nasty if you dare to even suggest she has a problem of any sort let alone convince her she has dementia

    I wonder whether theres a difference between those with AD and those with Vascular Dementia or those with Lewy body

    I do know that my Mothers "nastiness" is hampering any sensible way forward in getting her affairs in order or providing help and coupled with the obstacles put in the way by some organisations in recognising the EPA before its registered is causing me way too many headaches
  13. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Helena,
    Firstly, Nada did not say that most people accept their diagnosis.
    We talked to mum in terms of her having a slight problem with her memory, and so having to find ways around it- we didn't talk about long term, as neither she nor I would have been able to deal with it; we all agreed to face the future together.
    Helena, why even try to convince her that she has dementia, that is so scarey?
    From your postings I get the impression that you are very forthright, and your mother is equally so. Her dementia may stop her moderating her attitude, so you are going to have to become more 'cunning', try and not meet her head on. I know that it is very difficult for you, but you are not going to be able to rationalise the situation with your mother.
    Best wishes.
    Love Helen
  14. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    exactly the same for my wife Jan.

    She's his wife and he loves her, what else would you expect him to do? At least at the current time...?
    Oh boy, perhaps one day you will be able look at things from her side, based on what is happening inside her? You can't look at someone with dementia and try and apply the 'normal' rules. There is no normality for a person with dementia, other than that permitted by the disease that is controlling their lives.

    You have to give as much leeway as you are capable of.... until the point that the person has become entirely unreasonable by any standards.

    It is a bummer to come to terms with, I know!

    Best of luck and best wishes.
  15. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    Your right I am forthright and my Mother has always been very dogmatic indeed however my sister is the total opposite of me and even has a degree in Phsychology but with all her "cunning" she cant get anywhere with my Mother either

    I believe that she either has Vascular Dementia or Lewy Body and the latter is definitely reported to create the kind of switching from a kind of normality to total evil and back again in minutes/hours/or days

    very unpredictable roller coaster ride indeed

    Equally my Mother is 89 an age at which really we are not supposed to get to
    she will tell anyone who will listen she is 100 !!

    yet in next breath complains that 89 is no age and the DVLA /doctors because she blames her GP have no business stopping her driving
  16. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006

    Dear Brucie,
    I've just noticed your Location as being, UK, Surrey, Hell. I didn't know Surrey was as bad as that!
    I hope things are looking up a bit more for you now and you are able to look on the brighter side of life.
  17. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hi taylorcat

    My mum went through a stage of being very angry and nasty. Dad was very ill with cancer and could hardly walk, yet she stopped making his meals - she wouldn't even make a drink for him. Also, he had to have a nebuliser at one point, and she pulled it out saying it was making too much noise!!

    We all found it very hard to deal with - I felt exactly as you do I thought she was horrible for the way she was treating dad. He was the sort of person who probably never had a bad word said against him - very easy going and friendly. Mum could have her little moods- things had to be done her way, but generally she was always there for us, always willing to help us out and they had a good social life. But the disease made her downright nasty. Even when she was doing all this Dad never really complained. If she got up and switched the telly off he'd just accept it. But they were together for almost 57 years

    I don't think your mum is play acting - it does sound like the disease at play, and I for one don't agree with telling an elderly loved one that they have AD-

    We're now about 18 months on, dad died and mum is in a home - she know's there's something wrong with her, but we just say that her memories are a bit confused. It's so sad to see the person she has become

    Not sure if any of that helps

  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #19 Margarita, Jul 20, 2006
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2006
    Yes that me now, as mum wets herself today in bed. I tell her to get up , then she flap back on bed and say she staying there till carer come in morning , I tell her she getting into the shower now , that nasty side come out that Helen talks about ……… I thought later I wonder as mum did not get a reaction from me, ( as I look at it from another view ) that why she took my hand and I lead her to the shower.

    of switching from a kind of normality to total evil and back again in minutes/hours/or days [/QUOTE] My mother was like that only up to around 6 mouths and my mother has AD :rolleyes:
  19. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    OK Maragarita

    but my Mother is 89 and has had high/uncontrollable BP for about 20 years so best bet is Vascular dementia

    Also the switching has been going on much longer than 6 months

    more like 4 years

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