1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

I need some help and advice

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Waccyman, Jan 8, 2015.

  1. Waccyman

    Waccyman Registered User

    Jan 8, 2015
    3
    My Mum who is 75 was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago, we were lucky that we got her diagnosed early and after having a brain scan and blood tests they started Mum on Galantamine 16mg, she was on 24mg but because she started getting dizzy spells they reduced her dosage. For nearly 3 years Mum was coping really well and Dad was looking after her. We moved Mum and Dad from there 3 bedroom house to a lovely 1 bedroom bungalow. I was worried that Mum would struggle but she was coping really well. However the past 10 months have been really tough, Mum's memory has gotten worse, she has wandered out of the bungalow about 4 times, she doesn't recognise Dad as her husband of 55 years, she is starting to think that I am her brother, my three daughters are her nieces etc etc. To make matters worse Dad was diagnosed with Terminal lung cancer in July 2014, because he also has COPD they can't biopsy or remove the tumour and Dad is too weak for chemo or radiotherapy. Dad has been doing all the things like cooking (we prepare the meals and he heats them up)and things like putting the washing on, bins out etc, me and my partner are over there every other day of the week sometimes everyday. Lately all I seem to have to do is stop silly arguments between Mum and Dad and help out more. Dad is now struggling to do chores around the bungalow and When he does do stuff Mum is having a go at him swearing at him even attacking him. I have contacted the local social services to see what help I can get them, for so long me and my partner have been doing everything we can but now I have to admit defeat and need some help. I live 30 miles away so as you can imagine it's all starting to take its toll on me and my partner. I am having at least 8-9 phone calls a night from Mum asking me to pick her up and take her home (to her childhood home),or there is a strange man in the bungalow with her, or she is waiting for me to come home. It's becoming very stressful and difficult. I don't know what to do anymore, I personally think both Mum and Dad should be in a care home but when I mention it to Mum she threatens to kill herself or gets really nasty towards me. I just need some advice all my Mum's 6 brothers and Sister think mum should be in a home although none of them seem to offer me any help apart from the odd visit to see mum and dad. It's just me and my partner and I don't know what to do. I'm crying my eyes out typing this, I hate admitting defeat but I am at a loss. What do I need to say to social services about getting help, who do I turn to, I really don't have a clue anymore, any help or advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
     
  2. spuddle

    spuddle Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    118
    Im sorry I cant give any advice as I also find myself in tears a lot of the time. all I can say is try and be strong as its all we can do . this is a good place for support x
     
  3. Gordy

    Gordy Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    17
    #3 Gordy, Jan 8, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2015
    Contact your parents GP straight away and tell them you need a home visit from them and that it needs to be when you can be at your mum and dads house too. You need to tell the GP your concerns and get them on board to give you the advice and help you need - they will be able to point you in the right direction regarding getting extra care in etc and also tell them you want social services to do an assessment. If your mum has already been diagnosed she should have a Community Psychiatric Nurse assigned to her, if you don't have their details the GP will be able to find that out too. You clearly need help to deal with this, you can't do it on your own as I am finding out. There is help out there - do you have a local Alzheimers Society branch that you could contact for support for you and your dad? Please don't feel that you are admitting defeat - asking for help is a really positive thing to do, no-one can deal with this on their own. It sounds like you have a supportive partner which is really good, if it wasn't for my other half I don't know how I would have coped over the last year. There are a lot of us in this boat, thank God it has a well stocked bar!. There's nothing more you can do tonight so suggest you go and pour yourself a large one and do something to try and take your mind of things for a while, a bit of distraction therapy can really help even if it's just watching some cra**y telly. Take care and good luck x
     
  4. Not so Rosy

    Not so Rosy Registered User

    Nov 30, 2013
    580
    I would also get your GP to refer your Dad to MacMillan Services. We have something called The Beacon Centre near us (not sure if it's a nationally used name). When my husband was ill we used to get a weekly visit from them even for just a chat. They are very proficient at working behind the scenes getting you extra help, checking you are getting everything you are entitled to and chivvying up the GP.
     
  5. Waccyman

    Waccyman Registered User

    Jan 8, 2015
    3
    Thank you so much for the advice, I am seeing the doctor next week for mum and dad so will ask for advice and help. Thank you all for being so kind
     
  6. magic800

    magic800 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2014
    17
    My Aunt has cancer as well as suffering from dementia, I have to say my macmillan nurse has been my lifeline, she contacted the memory clinic for me and gave me a lot of information. I live away from my aunt and can sympathise with you when the phone rings your heart sinks and you don't really want to answer it but know you have got too.
     
  7. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    139
    Hi Waccyman, I'm not too far behind you. Just had to step back and out of the frame for 48 hours; felt bad but they have managed and I badly needed to recharge and am is ready for the next challenge.
    Remember, real strength is knowing your limits and when help is needed. Agree with Gordy ... You need support. Take care.
     
  8. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    276
    Dublin, Ireland
    Tears and feeling helpless sound familiar. If only one could do something that would constructively make a difference, it would be some much easier. All my sympathy from a fellow traveller
     
  9. Fiona P

    Fiona P Registered User

    Dec 14, 2014
    19
    We are not far behind you either dad delusions, aggression and social services , in my opinion, not helping...

    Stay strong.... I shall post my outcome of next weeks meeting on yet another assessment
     
  10. Gordy

    Gordy Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    17
    Hi Waccyman, how you doing? Saw my parents yesterday, mum reasonably bright but not really with us. Told dad I have arranged for more carers to come in from Alzheimers Society - was expecting an argument but he just accepted it, a big indication of how exhausted he is. We sometimes have to just go ahead with what we know they need even if we think they will not want it but then they surprise us and accept the help more readily than we thought they would. Trust your instincts, they are usually right. I hope you can get the help you need from your parents' GP but definitely get in touch with your local Alzheimers Society branch as well as they are really helpful. Take care and stay strong xx
     
  11. Waccyman

    Waccyman Registered User

    Jan 8, 2015
    3
    Hi Gordy, thanks for all the advice.
    Actually had a ok weekend with Mum and Dad. Had to see them Saturday night to get them there fish and chips because Dad was too tired to cook any dinner. They both loved it as always and both went to bed a reasonable time. Back over there Sunday so my daughters could see Nannie and Grandad, my partner did a big roast beef dinner for them and it stuffed them both. What was nice though was that we didn't have the usual 8-9 phone calls in the evenings we only had two and Dad said they both had a really nice evening and got a good nights sleep again.
    Tonight wasn't great (Monday) Mum was very confused and we did the normal explaining and chat with her, eventually she calmed down and was ok, even cracking jokes. We have made an appointment to see there GP and we are having discussions with Social Services tomorrow. On top of that I have to take Dad to see his Oncologist on Wednesday to probably find out that Dad's Cancer has spread but we will deal with whatever news we get, I can also talk about more help for Dad.
    I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented and given me advice, I don't feel so alone and scared now and it's so nice to know that there is help out there. Thank you every one.
     
  12. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    A lot of people in here talk about "love lies" these I believe would probably help when moving your mum into a home. I would guard against calling the home "a care/nursing/residential home" no possibly a hotel or just a lovely place but just for a while. The while being whist some repair work done on the house or until the dr thinks she is well enough to go back home or tomorrow or later. You sometimes just need to work out how her mind is working at that time and work around it.
    Best of luck xx
     
  13. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,653
    Hampshire
    Just a suggestion - write down your notes about the problems and challenges with your Mum and let the GP / Social Worker have it in advance of the appointment. This then clarifies if your Mum denies various problems and can reduce the risk of her getting upset / agitated with you all. Good luck.
     
  14. Gordy

    Gordy Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    17
    I hope your visit to the hospital with your dad went ok. I'm glad you had a good weekend with your mum and dad, you take the good times when they happen and make the most of them. Mum's first day at a daycare centre tomorrow, have arranged for carer to go in first thing to help get her up and on the minibus but it remains to be seen if she actually goes or not. I hope so as dad is really struggling to cope now, she is being abusive both verbally and physically and he really needs the break. Keep your fingers crossed for me! xx
     

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