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I need some advice

Lunabelle

New member
Jun 24, 2020
3
Hi everyone 😊 I have a big problem I could really do with some good advice with so here goes...I asked his younger sister if she new my father was keeping ok and staying safe because of covid19. To be told" yes hes fine I see him on a daily basis".. then I found out by hear say he had Alzheimer's , a social worker and carers 4 times per day.
Why couldn't she tell me this? This raised red flags for me!
I was also told financial abuse was taken place ...so I involved the police to look in to it.
The police confirmed my father is a very vulnerable man.
Since all that happened back in March the case has now been closed as his younger sister was questioned and provided everything she was asked by police.
Iv since been to my fathers on 2 occasions for very short visits for father's day.
His younger sister found out I went to see him and left me an awful voicemail telling me not to go see him again without her presant as she is his appointee power of attorney 😖.
I have rang the office of the public guardian to be told no one at my fathers address has POA even if she had poa she has no rights to stop family visiting.
She obviously doesn't want me in my father's life for some reason?
So now I'm in a very awkward position...I would like to visit my father as he was very happy when I did...but I feel his sister is making it very difficult for me to do so.
I don't want to see her as I know she will hate me for involving police.
Also how do I get my fathers social worker to talk to me about my fathers condition? When was he diagnosed?
What stage is he at?
What he is able to do and not...any help on how to build a relationship with my father as he is now.
Don't I deserve the right to be able to see my father ? And how can I get the information I should be informed of about his health. Rachel 😞
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,399
Hello, welcome to the forum @Lunabelle It's a difficult situation - did you have regular contact/visits with your father prior to March as it seems strange that you only found out via hearsay that he has alzheimers and has carers 4 times a day - was he not showing any symptoms when you last saw him prior to March? It seems that your father's sister hasn't actually stopped you from visiting but wants to be present when you do visit - could you not try to build some bridges with her, apologise for going to the Police and explain that you were concerned for your father?

With regards to finding out information from your father's social worker, they will have to follow data protection guidance and if your father's sister is either POA or his designated next of kin/point of contact then I'm afraid that they are not obliged to provide you with details of your father's condition/diagnosis. How your father was when you saw him in June should give you an idea of his current condition - was he able to understand who you were, could he do much for himself? Needing 4 carers a day suggests that he now needs quite a lot of help as the next step if he needed more than 4 carers a day would usually be a care home placement if social services are providing his care.

The difficulties you are having may be able to be resolved if you and your father's sister could come to an amicable arrangement with regards visits but it's understandable that she is angry and upset at you for reporting her to the Police based on hearsay rather than facts/evidence. I hope you can sort things out but you could contact the Dementia Connect helpline if you feel that you need to talk things through as they may be able to offer some useful help and advice:

 

Lunabelle

New member
Jun 24, 2020
3
Hi there and thank you very much for your help and your message. The last time I went to see my father was 1993 i was 18yrs old and I took his 6wk old grandson with me for him to meet.
He called my baby a brat as I put him in his arms for a picture of them both.
So I didn't go back to my fathers address as he clearly didn't have anything nice to say.
The next time I saw him was 2004 ish, he was out jogging so I stopped him to talk...he still wasn't interested in me or his grandchildren at this point so I decided to let him be 😞
When I visited him in June he was a very happy man I explained who I was as we could only talk through the letterbox. I was just telling him of all his good memories things I knew he like. I don't think he can hold a conversation as he mumbled a lot of the time but he would say "yes" yes yes when he understood things I would mention. I also gave him a picture of his mam and he said "I haven't seen her in a long time".
She passed away years ago but I didn't mention that.
He lives in his own property alone , with carers 4 times per day.
I don't know if he knew who I was or not but it was nice to see him happy in himself.
I know my fathers sister will make things difficult for me as she has a reputation for it, I just hope she's treating my father the right way. Thank you @Louise7 I think I need to ring that number for further advice.
If my father could speak for himself and still did not want to know me or his grandchildren I'd respect that like I have done all these years so far..I just want him to be happy and respected not taken
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,399
@Lunabelle From what you have posted there isn't anything that suggests your father is being taken advantage of, and he was happy when you saw him. My mum says 'yes, yes' quite a lot when I speak to her but it doesn't mean that she is understanding what I'm saying - most of the time it's clear that she isn't. The thing with dementia is that it affects people differently, and in lots of different ways, and your father's sister is seeing him daily so will know what may or may not upset him or make him unhappy. You do need to be a bit careful about giving things to someone with dementia without checking first with the carer that it will be OK, and giving your father a photo of his mam may have triggered good memories but it could also have caused upset. You obviously meant well by it but you need to think about things from your father's sister perspective too. You haven't been in touch with your father for 16 years or so, then you report her to the Police, then turn up and speak to him through the letterbox and give him a photo of his dead mam. If she is offering to let you visit your father when she is at least taking steps to help you build some sort of relationship with your father so in your position I think I'd at least give it a go. Trying to obtain information from the social worker isn't going to help you to get to know your father but spending time with him will.
 

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