I need help!


Registered User
Sep 10, 2007
Upminster, Essex
Hi - I am new to this

My mum - just 75 - i showing v bad signs of dementia. We as a family have tried to bury our head - but can't any longer - I went with my dad to the doctor with a list of concerns - the worst being my brother who has CML (chronic myeloid luekaemia) in remission doing well - was cured - totally fabricated by my mum. Other things to numerous to mention - the doctor told us that unless my mum goes to see her and says she has a problem there is nothing she can do!!!

What do we do - it is getting worse - I wouldn't be sitting at the pc at 1 in the morning if it wasn't!

I just don't know what to do - any ideas?

Would love to hear from you

Last edited:

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Your message

Slow down love, I know it is all so stressful. Let us have a proper picture of your problems.

You think your mum has dementia. What symptoms is she showing?

Your brother has cancer, in remission, I wasn't quite sure what you were saying about him. Is he supportive of you and your care of mum, or is he not well enough to be involved?

What help have you already sought, and what was the result?

Just let us know, and you will find lots of support on the site for you.

Take care




Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Hello ktjane and welcome to Talking Point.

I'm not quite sure I understand the point about your brother, but to be honest, it probably doesn't matter in that it's just another indicator of your mother's dementia. Obviously extremely upsetting for the rest of you, but fantasies are fantasies no matter how they are directed. Tomorrow I'm sure there will be more people who can give you advice and suggestions. I think your mother's doctor is correct in that there is nothing she can do unless your mother goes to see her (although some members have had success with persuading the GP to actually make a house call). The comment about admitting she has a problem, though, that's more than a little odd. Normally a doctor will administer a short memory test and take it from there. After all, iif you go to the doctor for a check-up and they find something wrong with you, one assumes they will tell you that there is something wrong, even if you don't ask,

How to get her there is the question of course. What about a general check-up?: at 75 it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for her to have one anyway. My mother, although not overly keen on doctors was willing to go if I made the appointment, although some people do have to resort to a greater degree of subterfuge.

Best wishes


Registered User
Sep 10, 2007
Upminster, Essex
Thanks for coming back so quickly.

My mum has probably degenerated over the last few years - maybe brought on by my brothers CML. He was diagnosed 2 years ago last April. He is doing well and is v supportive.

My parents live with us in a granny annexe. Mum has gone from being forgetful with names and repeating herself to being nasty - falling out with her brother and sister for no apparent reason (I am in contact with them) drinking too much and loosing weight - she nows weights about 7.5 stones.

A few weeks AGO I asked her if she was ok as she has been giving money away to the family in odd ways - asking of of my sons to move something and giving him £20 etc. To giving lladro that she has collected for years to my brother (who didn't want it and told me that it was given to him in secret and not to tell me!) - when I asked her about it she said she would get it back if I wasnt happy - I said that i didn;t want it, I was concerned about why she was giving her possesions away - she said well I know you don't want it and when I'm gone you will throw it away! A no win situation! She stuck her fingers in her ears and said that if I carrried on she would never talk to me again! I burst into tears - she was totally devoid of emotion I left the room.

The latest this weekend is that it was my sons girlfriend's 21st birthday. I told mum that Jade was 21 and maybe she would like to get her a card. She went to the shops and brought round a card for her. Jade had a party which my sons and their partners went as well as me and my husband and Jades family and friends. Today I popped into my mum and dads flat and she v agitated demanded to know why I had made her but 2 cards for Jade! As she had already given her a card and money at her birthday the previous weekend (she hadn;t) I was flumoxed, she was v angry and asked why she and dad hadnt been invited to the party - it was in a night club I said and that it wasn't their thing! Also she doesn't know Jades family - it was bizarre totally not what my mum is really like totally out of character.

Other things include obsessive behaviour like buying 'lucky bamboo' , 'solar lights' lottery tickets etc for all the family - I am at my wits end - my dad just says if she won;t go to the doctors how will he get her there as she is stubborn!

How do I get her the help she so clearly needs? Any help gratefully accepted!

K xx


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Does your father accept that there is a problem? Because I think unless he is totally committed to this it's going to be very difficult. Does your mother have any other health issues? It can be easier to get someone to see a doctor if there is a pretext. Has she been violent? It also can be easier to obtain assistance if the person in question is a danger to themselves or others. Perhaps you could use the weight loss as an excuse to get her to the doctor or to get the doctor out to her: sudden and rapid weight loss is a bone fida reason to be concerned anyway since it could be an indicator of all sorts of problems.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Jane,

Your mother is certainly presenting quite bizarre behaviour and i can understand your concerns.

As your father is her next of kin, it`s up to him to get medical attention for her.

As jennifer suggested, could he ask for a home visit? Or does she have regular flu jabs, because the time of the year is coming round for all over 65 to be proyected. That might be a way of gettibng her to her GP.

Try to keep a diary of her behaviours, so you have something concrete to show the doctor, if and when you get her there.

Take care xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi ktjane, welcome to TP.

It's always a problem when the person concerned cannot appreciate that there is a problem, and refuses to see a doctor.

All I can suggest is what others have already suggested. Keep a diary of any strange behaviour, then ask the doctor to call your mum in for an MOT, and take the diary with you. Avoid any mention beforehand to your mum of problems, just treat it as a routine check-up. You could print out the diary and send it to the GP in advance of your visit.

You really do need some help here, and any subterfuge is OK, you're doing it for your mum's benefit. Without a diagnosis, it's very difficult to get any help.

Good luck,


Registered User
Mar 27, 2004
I need help

Dear Ktjane

Welcome to TP.

I had similar trouble getting Margaret to the doctor, eventually I wrote out list of all her symptoms and problems and took it to the doctor myself. He was very understanding and when I said Margaret refused to come to the surgery about her problems, he sent a letter saying it was time to come in for a blood pressure check. Margaret went quite willingly and he took it from there Perhaps your GP would be prepared to do something similar if your dad were to ask.

Cheers Frank


Registered User
Aug 20, 2006
It does sound as though your mum is exhibiting symptoms of which one of the possible causes is dementia. But there are other possible causes.

The only way to eliminate these is to have a proper medical examination.

The way forward is probably for either you or preferably dad (as he is next of kin) is to visit the GP - possibly together - and raise your concerns. It will be helpful if mum has the same GP as dad or yourself (as is often the case with couples). It would be helpful to make notes about your mum's odd behavior and her moods shifts.

Most GP's presented with this are, I think, open to the idea of "inviting" someone like mum to have a "routine examination".

Most people, particularly the older generation, regard the doctor as an authority figure and are unwilling to ignore requests from them.

Once you get mum to the GP he/she will probably be able to perform some simple tests - eg what time is it, what did you have for breakfast, who is the Prime Minister, remember and repeat three words - and go on from there. If they suspect dementia then (once physical causes are eliminated) the usual way is to refer to a specialist consultant.

This is exactly what we did with my dad although he was already having annual heart checks so we had a ready-made opportunity.

The subsequent visits by the psychiatrists and CPN were all home visits.

Hope this helps.

A lot depends on your dad accepting there is a problem that can no longer be ignored.

If it;s a physical illness then it needs treating. If it;s dementia then, I am sorry to say, it can only get worse and you and your family will need support.


Registered User
Feb 14, 2007

I'm sorry you're going through all that - made worse probably by the uncertainty of whether it is dementia or not.

I like the idea of trying to get her Dr to send a letter out so can "trick" her into going for an appointment! I have the opposite problem with my mum she always wants to go to the Dr!!


Registered User
Sep 10, 2007
Upminster, Essex
Thank you for all your comments and suggestions. I have been away for a week and am pleased to report that dad has arranged a blood test for mum on Monday which will be followed up with a visit to the doctor. We have already seen the doctor and given her a list of our concerns, she in turn will hopefully be able to lead the conversation around to our concerns.

Thanks for your help it has really helped to hear from others in the same boat!

Fingers crossed for a speedy diagnosis and some help :)