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I need HELP so I can HELP them..... My story :(

Tracey70s

New member
May 19, 2022
3
0
Hi. Im 43 I live alone since I lost my partner to suicide I work full time as a Paramedic BUT I really struggle at home.
My father who raised me from 3 years old alone is my world, My 2 uncles who were bachelors and lived together <3 they helped my dad they are also my world. I owe them EVERYTHING!

In 2017 my uncle Ray got diagnosed with dementia, but every time I tried to help with carers my uncle dennis wouldn’t let them in the house, fast track to 2018 I did what I had too. I safeguarded my own uncle. Social services got involved, I called an ambulance and he went to hospital. He came home eventually with a care plan now unable to walk and completely bed bound. Forward 11 month and he declined he ended up in a nursing home and my family hated me. Well I ended up safeguarding him again against the nursing home and staff were fired and struck off. I cant help but blame myself for putting him in a home. Hes now in an amazing home and end of life :( What I didn’t realise was..... I was giving all my attention to my uncle Ray I didn’t realise that Uncle Dennis too was getting Dementia. Hes manageable JUST! I work my 13 hours and I call in to make sure hes eaten etc, Ive set up a falls care pendant and moved his bedroom downstairs as thats where his bathroom is. I do what I can But hes a hoarder ( The reason he didn’t want carers in the house for his brother) and has started drinking since his brother got put into a home. Im trying to sort care for him. Now once again i didn’t realise but my Dad also has dementia and he keeps telling me he will never speak to me again as I have said he shouldn’t drive. he's lost all reality, gets lost whilst driving 2hrs to do a 5 min drive, incontinent at night, drinks 12pints of milk a day, doesn’t wash, eat properly and is so paranoid.

Dad had doctors today and I snapped at the doctor for no reason I broke down. Even sitting there my dad was down playing everything. Ive told him im trying to arrange care for him but he gets angry. I tried once before but failed. I had the Incontinence team arranged but they didn’t inform me they were going so he lied to them and they discharged him, same for the falls clinic and carers. Im LPA for my father and uncles but nobody will help me. Im hoping the doctor has listened to me today he said he will contact SS and the Dementia team.

I took my dad and dennis to hospital last week and I went to the loo and came out and Dennis had vanished, I had to get the hospital security to locate him. He was on the main street. I had no choice but to take both of them as they both had appointments .

I must add that although I missed the early onset pf dementia for my dad and dennis it was me that insisted the doctor look into it, I told the doctor they had Dementia They listened and even saw them during 2021.

I dont know why I typed all that but I feel better. I just want help I don't want to have a breakdown but they way im snapping at everyone even my dad is heartbreaking. I do NOT want to keep snapping at my dad :( Looking after 2 with Dementia and 1 in a nursing home is killing me slowly.
 

KatyKat

Registered User
May 8, 2022
111
0
I can hardly begin to imagine what you're going thru. Caring for one elderly parent with dementia is killing me. I don't know how you cope with three. If the doctor said he's contacting SS and dementia team for you that's a good sign. I'd say take advantage of any and all offers of help you can get. Best of luck to you and your Dad and uncles.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,072
0
Kent
Hello @Tracey70s Welcome.

What a lot you have had to contend with from your father and uncles. Far too much for one person. As a paramedic, it looks as though you have been expected to provide the same service for your family but singlehandedly.

I do hope the doctor does contact SS and the Mental health team as promised. If you don`t hear anything I`m sure you will be well aware how to contact them yourself and ask for assessments and help.

Please contact the support line too. I`m sure they will offer good advice.

 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
66,698
0
71
Dundee
Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to read of your situation. It's far too much for one person and you're facing carer breakdown. Please do as Sylvia suggests and and get in touch with Dementia Connect. I'm glad it's helped a little to share here.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
346
0
I can’t even imagine how your coping. So sorry to read that you have all this on your plate and a very stressful job too. No practical advice to give but you must feel overwhelmed.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
356
0
What a stressful situation for you, no wonder you’re snapping! It’s definitely not for no reason, either. What you’re trying to do is pretty much impossible for one person. Let alone one very stressed person who has a full time (also stressful) job! At the beginning of trying to get help it often feels like no one is listening, which is soul destroying when you’re so desperate.

Have you had any input from SS at all with them? A needs assessment for them and a carers assessment for you?

My mum also didn’t want carers for years and I was very wary of Social Workers (SW), from a bad past experience. But police involvement meant they called in SS and we luckily got a lovely SW who not only listened, but implemented carers and anything else mum needed (but didn’t want). A good SW is such a help. You can also say to PWD that SW has insisted on carers etc and it stops you being the bad guy, so to speak.

I understand your Uncles are like Fathers to you and you want to do everything for them, but Dementia isn’t like most other terminal illnesses. The level of care needed and the unpredictability of a PWD’s behaviour make it so difficult. I hope you get proper help from SS soon, as you sound like you’re nearing the end of your tether. I feel for you, I really do. Take care xx

Also, are there any local organisations that provide support for carers or PWD? They often provide practical help as well as advice.

EDIT: Was the SS/SW from 2017 with Uncle Ray any good? Could you contact them?
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
1,447
0
Oh my goodness this is far too much to deal with. I hope you get the help that you need quickly.
 

Tracey70s

New member
May 19, 2022
3
0
What a stressful situation for you, no wonder you’re snapping! It’s definitely not for no reason, either. What you’re trying to do is pretty much impossible for one person. Let alone one very stressed person who has a full time (also stressful) job! At the beginning of trying to get help it often feels like no one is listening, which is soul destroying when you’re so desperate.

Have you had any input from SS at all with them? A needs assessment for them and a carers assessment for you?

My mum also didn’t want carers for years and I was very wary of Social Workers (SW), from a bad past experience. But police involvement meant they called in SS and we luckily got a lovely SW who not only listened, but implemented carers and anything else mum needed (but didn’t want). A good SW is such a help. You can also say to PWD that SW has insisted on carers etc and it stops you being the bad guy, so to speak.

I understand your Uncles are like Fathers to you and you want to do everything for them, but Dementia isn’t like most other terminal illnesses. The level of care needed and the unpredictability of a PWD’s behaviour make it so difficult. I hope you get proper help from SS soon, as you sound like you’re nearing the end of your tether. I feel for you, I really do. Take care xx

Also, are there any local organisations that provide support for carers or PWD? They often provide practical help as well as advice.

EDIT: Was the SS/SW from 2017 with Uncle Ray any good? Could you contact them?
Thank you for your reply. I have contacted the same Social worker. She isn’t great but she knows the whole story so fingers crossed she can Help. xx
 

Tracey70s

New member
May 19, 2022
3
0
Welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to read of your situation. It's far too much for one person and you're facing carer breakdown. Please do as Sylvia suggests and and get in touch with Dementia Connect. I'm glad it's helped a little to share here.
Thank you. I tried to detach for 1 day and my uncle kept pressing his care pendent so I needed up driving there 4 times as he wouldn’t reply to care line :(
 

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