I need advice on this one

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by elaineo2, Aug 17, 2007.

  1. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Hi everyone,
    If any of you can remember,last week i had the task at work of telling a family that their parent had developed dementia like symptoms and that we were looking into having them re-banded.Like i said on my post i did what i had to do,sensitivley and professionally.I have had a call this afternoon from work telling me that the consultant is coming to see this lady on wednesday and the family have requested that i attend the meeting.I am not sure what they want from me.I did tell them of my dads situation,i just hope they don't want me there so they can draw emotional support from me.I will support them,but my support is for their parent who does need more care than we can give.As you will all know it is horrible to see our loved ones on a decline but i do feel the family bury their heads in the sand.It has also been said that our home just wants rid of her.I am gutted at the remark.Would anyone want their loved ones in a setting that doesn't meet their needs?What do i do?it is my day off so i am not obliged to attend the meeting.I feel world war 3 coming on.Any advice? I have never in my years as a carer been put in this situationthanks love elainex
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    Elaine, I looked back at your previous post about this. Are you sure that the family aren't thinking that you are the one with the control in this situation? After all, you got delegated to tell them the bad news, and if they're new they may not understand the structure of the place you work in. I think if I was the family, I would assume that the person who told me was the person that could make a decision. Alternatively, if you're the person who has to deal mostly with this person, perhaps they feel that your insight into her behaviour would be valuable.

    Jennifer
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,656
    Kent
    #3 Grannie G, Aug 17, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2007
    Elaine,
    I believe the family have requested that you attend the meeting because they liked the way you handled the last one, feel they trust you and want your support.

    I`m sure if you have to tell them something they don`t really want to hear, they would rather it came from you than from someone less sensitive.

    Know your strengths as well as your weaknesses.

    Love xx
     
  4. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    I am not in control of the situation at all.All care team leaders have their input.its just that it landed on my shift to take it in hand.at the end of the day i have referred the resident to their G.P and they have done the referral to psychiatric services.love elainex
     
  5. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Thanks grannie G.i do hope this is the case.However one of the residents sons is away and due back monday.he is unaware of the re-banding situation.He can be unreasonable and have found this out when another resident was moved on to another home.He was appalled as to why.He didn't know why due to confidentiality but he did make his voice heard.For which he was spoken to by the manager!To no avail actually.So can you understand my predicament.The big i am versus the ones who care s for their loved ones.no contsest.love elainex
     
  6. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Shes gone

    hi all.just had a call from work.One of my residents has died unexpectedly(i am her key worker)My god don't know how much more i can take this week!assessments,re-assessments,death!its a bloody good job i have my kids to take myworry to their quarters!"God bless them.They take it all within their stride,pat me on the back and tell me tomorrow will be better.Love you alexandra emma and lewis.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXmum ps they apparentley read my posts when i am not in!thid ones for the stars in my eyes.love elainex
     
  7. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    goodnight folks,am going to bed to mull this one over,bless you all.elainex
     
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Dear Elaine,

    This is a tough one for you. I don't envy you trying to decide what to do.
    I tend to think Sylvia is right, especially as the family know you are in a similar situation. They may feel you are the one who best knows what is going on so want you there.

    I gather the family spoke to the Manager about having you there?? If so, could you ask her to tell them that you will attend, but they need to understand before the meeting that the decision is not your's to make - it s the manager's responsibility??? Would the manager do that for you??

    I must say I wondered if your manager had "offered" your help so she wouldn't have to do it!! (Aren't I a nasty and suspicious person??!! :rolleyes: ) Just that she let you give the initial bad news . . . . .??

    Whatever you decide, remember to put a "magic invisible shield" around yourself first to protect yourself from emotional upset. (Sounds goofy but it works!)

    Best of luck.
     
  9. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Hi Nell,that is probably the case.My manager is a bit fearful of confrontation.I will be there and put that shield around meYour not a suspicious person at all,you can just see the whole picture.thanks for the advice.love elainex
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Elaine, I'm sure the family asked for you because you handled the previous interview so sympathetically.

    I hope Wednesday's meeting goes well, but if there should be a row, I suggest that you say something like "I'm sorry, but I'm not in a position to make that decision. If you'll excuse me, I'll go and fetch the manager".

    It is after all her job!

    Love,
     
  11. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Hi everyone,I have just come home from a good shift at work.The residents daughter approached me and asked would i be ther on Wednesday.She explained that she is worried how her brother who is due back from holiday tonight will react to what has happened since he went away.She feels that i will be able to explain it better than she can.She is obviously upset and says she will break down if he reacts badly.I have reassured her that i will be ther and if she wanted,i would speak to her brother tomorrow when he pays his usual visit.She was relieved i think that i offered to try and prepare him for the mmse.Another good day at the office:D love elainex
     
  12. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    #12 Nell, Aug 19, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2007
    Dear Elaine,
    As a TP regular you will know that many of us have brothers who are, to put it bluntly, a HUGE pain in the neck!! I'm always reminded by the wonderful and caring men on TP that this has nothing to do with gender - it is just some individuals are more obnoxious than others!!

    I can well understand the lady being concerned about her brother's reaction.
    When the decision was finally taken that M&D would move into a care home, my brother put up an incredible sulk and resistance. HE was never going to let it happen. WE (the 3 daughters) were heartless and cruel. HE would take care of them - he would move a caravan into their back yard and live in it and care for them both. (What about his wife and children?? :confused: )

    This from a man who has alcohol and drug dependency issues; who has been a tererible strain on all the family for his whole adult life; who never phoned his parents or visited them unless he needed money!! I could go on and on!!

    If this was allowed to happen, we (the 3 daughters) knew that MUM (with dementia) would continue caring for my disabled Dad AND look after my brother!! :eek:

    I suspect the lady in question has fears somewhat similar to what happened in our family. When you are facing the decision about full time care everyone is very distressed, as you know. Coping with a difficult and disgruntled sibling just makes it worse. In this case, it is a change of care type, but no doubt still very painful for the family.

    Thank goodness you can be there to support her and others who understand what is needed. They are indeed lucky to have you. (But do protect yourself as well!)

    Thinking of you.
     
  13. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Apparentley I am an insensitve b****

    Hi everyone,Not a good day at work this afternoon.As i expected I met with hositilies from my residents son.I sat for an hour whilst he ranted and raved that we at the home don't have any respect for residents or families.He said I was an insensitive b**** because I was the one who in his terms "started all this off",He said he is contacting CSCI about it and he will see me in court.After he had finished his tirade of accusations I said his concerns had been noted and that the S/W and mental health team are the ones who will decide what happens.I also informed him that our home is not registered for dementia cases and if he wanted to contact CSCI then that was his prerogative.This may be a stupid question but do any of you out there want your loved ones in a home that cannot meet their needs?I know for certain that if or when the time comes for my dad to go into a home,it will be one that can give him the care he needs with staff who are trained in his illness.I am having a glass of wine now to wind me down.Can't wait for the meeting on Wednesday;) love to you all elainex
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,656
    Kent
    Dear Elaine,

    I`m sorry the meeting didn`t go well. Do you think it was because the resident`s son cannot accept that his family member has dementia, or would prefer to keep away from the `stigma` of dementia, and so doesn`t want to consider a home registered for dementia.

    Catergorization is a very emotive area with many people, and this might be the reason for his outburst.

    Not much fun for you though. :(

    Enjoy your wine.
     
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #15 Margarita, Aug 19, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2007
    I'm wondering how they let that happen in the first place , as my social worker said that as my mother has a diagnosis of dementia she only allowed to be place in a care home for people with dementia.

    unless when self funded if does not apply same like not having human rights in private care home

    sounds like son in denial about dementia and taking all his anger out on you about it , enjoy your wine hoping it help you to switch of for a while
     
  16. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    The resident in question was not diagnosed with dementia when they came to the home.Their symptoms have just got progressivley worse to a point where reassessment of care needs is essential.What i think is really the problem with the son is that he is in denial and that ,his words,not mine "there are people worse then his parent in our home".He obviously doesn't know backgrounds of other residents and that nine times out of ten the confusion is due to a UTI.He actually sat and fed his mother at lunchtime,forcing every spoonful into her mouth until I clocked it and put a stop to it.Thats when the ranting started.Thw wine is divine by the way.Thanks you lot for being there.love elainex:)
     
  17. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Maybe we need to try and see what the son is experiencing. He knows his parent has been safe and 'happy' where she is now. He thought that she was settled. He is scared by the idea of dementia - does not want to accept that his mother is any worse than others around her - whose behaviour he might see as bizarre. He does not understand why the home cannot continue to look after her. Maybe he wants to feel that his opinion is heard and valued. We were happy with the NH that my mum was in - but even so we felt disempowered at times.
    Just some thoughts.
    Love Helen
     
  18. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    I can quite understand how he feels.Waiting for my dad to be seen by the consultant is a nail biter even though i know what the outcome will be.But even though he sees his mother daily and has obviously seen the decline he rants and raves at me.It make me wonder who wants the best for his mother him or me?and contrary to his opinion I am by no means insensitive but will state the facts as they are,trying my best to do whats right is making me feel that i may be coming to the end of my career as a carer.I do feel hurt by his acussations,maybe its because i am a bit sensitive at the minute with dads assessment.Just don't know to be honest.I just want the best for my residents.thanks for letting me go on and on and on.love elainex
     
  19. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Elaine,
    I meant no criticism of you. You are doing what you know to be right for your client. Your clients son does not sound to be in a position to make rational decisions about his mother. It cannot be easy to have someone ranting at you - in fact I think that I would stand up and walk away - you are not paid to be abused.
    Love Helen
     
  20. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    not paid to be abused

    i would have packed this job in long ago if i succummed to the abuse.at the end of my day I come home .I (sometimes) relax,take stock of the day and sleep.Sometimes i am kept awake with situations of potential abuse to staff,this is however overlooked by CSCI when we report violent incidents toward staff.It appears thAT p.o.v.a disregard these reports.Where is th care for carers?At the end of the day we are all vulnerable whatever our age.carers mostly included!love elainex
     

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