I need advice and help.


Registered User
Jun 14, 2006
Hi , I,m new here, I hope Iam posting this in the correct forum,(if I,m not perhaps a mod could move it??:rolleyes: ).
A brief intro, a close relative has alzheimers, he has been living in a care home since his condition worsened in sept.He has progressed sadly and his current care home requested he be moved to a more higher dependency unit as he had hit a carer!My mother was told on sunday by staff at the home that he had gone into a lady residents room and exposed himself and her words..."tried to have sex with her!"My mother is devasted, but Iam left feeling angry as I wonder what level of supervision is taking place and how my elderley relative could have infact managed this feat!My mother has spent these few days trying to findan alternative carehome , the staff at the home told her of a unit they knew had a bed...unfortunately this would have meant a hour/half car journney for my mum...the staff said why bother to visit he won,t recognise you!!..........my mum at the moment is distraught, Iam too, but also very angry at the treatment and care that has gone on.The last time I visited he had no underpants on!!...............could anyone here offer some advice or help, our intention is to get him out of there asap now, but should my mum complain??.........is it justifiable ...my mum wants to know exactly what happened during this latest incident with the lady resident (I bet her family are appalled too)...he could have in fact wandered into her room thinking it was the toilet!!........it,s the inference of a sexual nature that is upsetting.......HELP!


Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
Hi SuzeyQ

of course this is hugely distressing for all concerned. Have you spoken to the manager at the home about the incident?

As you surmise, all sorts of misunderstandings can happen on all sides. One difficulty is that the lady resident may not be able to be relied upon to tell what actually happened - she may simply really believe something that was not the case.

I'd also be checking the circumstances of his hitting the carer, as frequently, that happens when an inept carer puts a person under too much pressure to do something.


Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Hiya SuzeyQ ansd welcome to TP,
What an upsetting situation for you and your mum. My initial thoughts
the staff said why bother to visit he won,t recognise you!!..........
the staff have obviously never loved someone who has dementia, and their lack of insight into the feelings involved shows a lack of profess. ional knowledge and compassion. It was a totally insensitive comment.

2] The accusation of a sexual advance - well, what can you say. Your relative has dementia. As you say, may have thought the room to be a toilet. Mum at times tried to undress in the middle of the lounge, was that sexual? Walking round the supermarket she smacked a shelf packer , who was bending over, on the bottom. Was that sexual? Were these actions taken by someone who does not have dementia, there might be a sexual inference, but the illness changes everything. The NH should have done everything they could to reassure your mum.

3] My mum's NH often do not put bras on the ladies. We let them know that we did not find that acceptable for mum. (Only because we know that if she was well she would not be seen without a bra). The NH has a responsibility to preserve the dignity of the clients. Whether to complain at this point, I don't know. If it is an ongoing situation though, then I think you should request that he always wears underwear (I wouldn't have thought it could be very comfortable without!)

My observation of NH's is that there are frequent times when clients are not supervised.

Comfort your mum. If the relative requires a higher level of care, then it is right that an alternative place be found; I suspect your mum feels that he is being chucked out for bad behaviour. Let us know how you get on.
Love Helen


Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
Hi SuzeyQ
It is quiet possible that he thought the lady was his wife or past love. It was all probably perfectly normal in his mind. If the NH is at all educated in AD, they should know this ! He might have been missing someone who has passed or he could have thought it was his own room.
I wouldn't take it from the NH but make them responsible for their poor supervision. All they probably had to do was gently lead him back to his own room and ask him if he was thinking of someone and "oh, how much you must miss that person".
I hope it works out, let us know.


Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
West Sussex
Hello SuzieQ

What worries me most about your post is the attitude of the staff.

If they speak to relatives in that way, how do they speak to the patients, the staff member may well have deserved to be thumped!!

One gentleman at Mum's home was being ordered rather than asked to sit down when I visited, by an agency worker, she was told by a member of staff to leave him alone and she would deal with him, but ignored the advice and carried on, as a result she was pushed very hard by the resident.

The agency nurse was asked to leave and have a coffee break while the regular staff member comforted him and settled him happily back in his chair. He was obviously frightened by being ordered around and reacted accordingly.

That particular agency nurse won't be asked to work there again.

Let's hope whatever happens with your Dad, he is somewhere safe and comfortable with carers who truly live up to their job description.



Registered User
Jun 14, 2006
thankyou for all your replies, they are very re-assuring.We are hoping to move him this weekend.My mum has been unable to speak to the NH manager...she,s never there!!!!????..............:mad: ..........one thing that has come to light is this lady wandered into my relations room while he was in a state of undress,he then went on to say something sexual to a member of staff.The NH manager who spoke to my mum said this type of behaviour was a form of abuse and a higher dependency unit/place must be found as they can,t manage his needs(they,re not wrong there:mad: ).........please keep you replies coming the advice is much needed.

cathy z

Registered User
May 23, 2006
reply to suzy

dear Suzie,as an ex nurse I think the staff at the home have behaved very unproffessionally, and your relative will certainly be better off somewhere that is more caring. Do you have a local branch of the alzheimers society that can give you help and advice,also at my mum's gp. surgery there is a nurse assigned to elderley care, it might be worth finding out if theres one at your mum's surgery who can advice you about homes e.t.c. or perhaps put you in touch with a social worker. I hope you find somewhere more suitable the staff have certainly handled the situation appallingly best wishes , Cathy