I nearly had an accident today

[Anongirl]

One of my mum's biggest issues is anxiety. I try EVERYTHING to keep it at a minimum. Change isn't good so I try to maintain her routine the best I can. I don't see her every day so it's not easy. I ring her every day, twice a day. On my way into work and on my way out. Her increasing insistence of hiding/moving things and then forgetting where they are is hard to deal with over the phone. Her anxiety when these things go "missing" makes me feel sick. She's beside herself, then the confusion sets in and a minor issue becomes catastrophic.

Today having one such conversation as I was walking out of work, feeling anxious, exhausted and on my way to pick my children up, I walked straight into the path of a van. I have no idea how he didn't hit me. I just wanted to cry. Mum carried on, oblivious.

I'm so exhausted. I can't keep juggling all these balls without something having to give

 

[Eternity]

Dear Anongirl,

wow, van not hitting you was really lucky and perhaps a warning sign for you to make a change.

It is impossible to juggle everything all the time for a long period of time.

I don't have any suggestions to make life easier (wish I had that magic trick) but hope you have a chance to consider what changes to make, even if temporary, to ease your stress

 

[grobertson62]

Hi the trouble is you cant keep juggling all the balls all the time. Something has to give. Today you wete lucky. Tomorrow .......it could be sign

 

[Anongirl]

Thankyou Eternity and Grobertson62. I did take it as a sign. I didn't see the van at all until it was nearly hitting me. I can't stop thinking that.

I can't take the weight of responsibility by myself but no one has the answer and I don't know how to get out.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Anongirl

Were you using a mobile phone and talking to your mother when you had your narrow escape? If that`s the case, take yourself back to the days before mobiles were available and refuse to use one while walking.

It really isn`t necessary to put your life at risk while attending to your mother. What did we do before the days of mobiles? We waited till we got home. What would have happened if you hadn`t arrived to pick up your children?

I know it`s not easy to put the clock back but sometimes technological advances are more trouble than they`re worth.

I suggest you get on to Social Services, tell them what happened and ask for help.

 

[Mipsi]

Anongirl,

This could have been me a year ago. That feeling of utter hopelessness is so debilitating. Everything changed for me when Mum went into emergency respite and then became a permanent resident. As the nurses said 'We do the caring so you can still do the loving.'

Just thinking about those days brings me out in a hot sweat. Would this be a possibility for you (sorry, I haven't read your other posts.)

with love

Mipsi

 

[Anongirl]

Hi GrannieG. I guess I didn't realise what a mess I was in and thought I had looked at the road when I clearly hadn't because I was talking to mum and trying, as always, to find a solution and calm her down. If it hadn't been on the mobile it could well have been while I was driving because these days I simply can't concentrate on anything. It has to stop. I wish I knew how. She has SS involvement with her tablets and meals but more than anything she needs emotional support and unfortunately I have that role. Fully.

Mipsi, with all my heart I wish she lived with people who would look after her and ease her anxieties. Where I could visit her but not have to solve every issue. Perhaps I could enjoy seeing her then instead of dreading the phone ringing or spending the time I visit her looking for things she has hidden or assuring her things are ok. At the moment I feel like she's in limbo, somewhere between being able to cope by herself (with support) and needing people around her to help.

X

 

[kingmidas1962]

I know the feeling of trying to keep a lid on someone else's anxiety only too well ... I do the same with my mum, although her primary health issue is anxiety/ depression not dementia.

I don't know your circumstances either but it sounds like it's time for some respite for mum so that you can clear your head a bit. Your children may unconsciously be picking up all these signals from you - your distractedness etc (I don't know how old they are) and so the stress will seep into the family. I know this happens because of the impact my mum's illness is having on my family.

Yes it was a sign - are you thinking about a plan of action?

I hope you've got your breath back after the near miss - it must've been so scary xxxx

 

[rajahh]

I agree with Sylvia. Do not use your mobile while walking or driving.

In a way you must compartmentalise your mother.

Only try to deal with her problems when the time is right for you to concentrate on her that is after you have seen to yourself and your children.

If it causes a crisis with your mother so be it.

Now I know the words I have written come across as tough and uncaring about your mother but you really are stretched, emotionally and physically, and your children are your priority .

I hate it when my son calls me as he is driving, ok he is hands free but I need him to concentrate on driving not on me.

Please try to tell yourself as you get into the car. Right now concentrate on driving, and forget about other things, and do not use the phone in the car .

Sending lovejeannette

 

[Anongirl]

Hi Jeanette. Sorry I should have explained myself better. I don't use the phone in the car. I mean I'm often distracted by my thoughts either when walking or driving, phone or no phone. I totally agree about decompartmentalising mum. This is the reason I ring her before work and after work. These are the only times I am on my own. Some days it's just too much and the last few days have been like that.

Kingmidas I can relate to all of your posts. Before dementia my mum suffered with anxiety and depression. Add confusion to that and you have quite a mix. My children are young, 2 and 6. I'm often snappy at them because of how I feel. I don't want them growing up with an anxious mum like I did.

We are planning some time away soon. I have done a list for my brother and intend to hand it over to him for a while (God help both of them!). I know I need a break. Praying it works out.

X

 

[Anongirl]

Just to add, I rang mum just now and said I'll be there at 10.30. Out of interest I said "make sure you bring your bag and purse". This is what the drama was about yesterday. She said she lost the purse and had to borrow money to get home.

Her answer? "Yes that's fine I have it here".

Seriously I need a break!

 

[rajahh]

I thought you might not use the phone when driving, but you still must put your mum away from your thoughts when you get in the car .

Hope you get this break. Jeannette

 

[Anongirl]

Thanks Jeanette x

 

[LYN T]

Hi

Distraction by the Carer is an additional hazard when looking after someone with Dementia.

I remember one time when after having 2 hours sleep we went to my friends for lunch; on the way back home, and feeling absolutely exhausted, my Husband started to take his seat belt off and fiddling with the hand brake. I was at a large roundabout and stopped to let traffic go by. After asking P not to fiddle I forgot to look again; I can still see the look of horror on the drivers face as she braked hard to avoid me. I was distraught at the thought of my actions possibly killing someone.

As others have said juggling all those balls in the air is a recipe for disaster.

Take care

Lyn T

 

[Anongirl]

Lyn that sounds awful. So easily done though. I must admit that yesterday has made me nervous. I have to drive to mum's today with both my children in the car and its pouring down

 

[CollegeGirl]

AG, hope you're okay. Am worried about you. Please do try to have a break where you can relax completely, I don't want to be losing one of the triplets xx

 

[Anongirl]

Hi CG! Well this weekend we go on holiday for two weeks. The longest I have been away. I'm a bit nervous and it will take me about a week to relax I should imagine! I just have too much pent up anxiety. Yesterday proved to me without doubt that I need to sort myself out. I have no intention of going anywhere

Hope everything is ok with you xxx

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm also on holiday and still dipping in and out of TP! Perhaps it would be better if you stayed away completely while you're away, really get away from everything dementia related!

I hope you have a wonderful time, and completely recharge your batteries xxx

 

[Miss Merlot]

There seem to be more and more worrying incidences of people starting to crack under pressure lately - a reminder to us all that we need to take care of ourselves first!

AnonGirl hope you are feeling better and enjoy your holiday!

 

[Anongirl]

Are you CG, where are you?! I have thought that. I don't think I will be looking on TP, it will only make me think of mum and feel guilty about not ringing her. You see if I ring her I will get embroiled in something and that won't be good for me or my family. I need to switch off. My brother has promised to look after her and I've done all I can practically (ordered her shopping and told the carers my brother's contact details). I think my phone will stay locked in the hotel safe and I will force myself not to constantly check it That will be the hardest part.

Thanks Miss Merlot. I sometimes wonder how people cope when things get really rough but I guess they find the strength. I hope I have it in me, sometimes I wonder X