I must be a very selfish carer!!!

[Ang57]

All I see is that my parents needs are catered for, but they still complain. They both have dementia and nothing is ever what they want or expect, despite my being an only child and giving my life up to look after them. Dad's in a home now and I live with Mum to look after her.

I'm so lonely and isolated, but Mum has a very social life.

I don't understand why my elderly parents are considered human beings with the authorities, and who still need a life, while I have absolutely no one to talk to or socialise with??????

I'm 55, why am I not considered too??? My life is nothing it seems...........

Surely there are other carers that believe they are getting a bad deal and that it's not all about the caree's???????

Or am I just a selfish person?????????????

 

[rajahh]

I have often said there are too many books about the person who has dementia and not enough about the caree.

As far as I know there is only the Selfish Pigs guide to Caring which I read.

I keep threatening to write a book for carers.

Sorry you feel the way you do, but I totally understand why .

Jeannette

 

[hollycat]

Am also only child living with and caring for mum.

Are you selfish.........no way !


Best advice I could give you is to actually to try and become a little selfish and think of yourself for a change.

Sorry you are feeling the way you feel; I understand.

 

[meme]

it is up to you to put yourself in the picture and make time for your life...if you trudge on and burn your self out that will help no one

 

[tomkitten16]

Oh dear please take some time for yourself - you deserve some ''me''time too. please just do what you want to do even if that is nothing at times .Lorraine xx

 

[Carabosse]

Its easier said than done finding time for yourself.

 

[tomkitten16]

Oh yes it is I know but a hot bubble bath or a good book can be enough and I do appreciate, due to experience, that' me' time is not always possible.

 

[garnuft]

it is up to you to put yourself in the picture and make time for your life...if you trudge on and burn your self out that will help no one

These are wise words.
It's no good waiting for life or others to come and seek you out, it won't happen.

I know, I have waited for 25/26 years expecting the Cavalry to come over the hill.

They never did.

Seek and you will find.

Try to do it, try to move outside of the cage you are in.
Eventually, perhaps you are there now, you will bite at the bars.

You are important too but no-one is looking out for you, you must.
You must.

Take pleasure from life, find it, search it out....I wish I had, a lot sooner.
I am just beginning, it is scary.
It's easier to not bother but it's a waste of life and energy and total misery if you don't.

 

[tomkitten16]

These are wise words.
It's no good waiting for life or others to come and seek you out, it won't happen.

I know, I have waited for 25/26 years expecting the Cavalry to come over the hill.

They never did.

Seek and you will find.

Try to do it, try to move outside of the cage you are in.
Eventually, perhaps you are there now, you will bite at the bars.

You are important too but no-one is looking out for you, you must.
You must.

Take pleasure from life, find it, search it out....I wish I had, a lot sooner.
I am just beginning, it is scary.
It's easier to not bother but it's a waste of life and energy and total misery if you don't.

I love the words you use and your outlook on life- thankyou as you seem so wise and all knowing.How I am learning from you. Lorrainexx

 

[Carabosse]

A bubble bath is a nice idea, the only problem is that every time i want to go to the bathroom (for any reason) mum seems to need it as well, and since she is on water tablets i can hardly say wait until i've had a bath!

 

[garnuft]

Don't make the mistake that I made Tomkitten and think because a person said things that seemed wise, it made them wise.
In my head and heart I am as confused and troubled as I was as a teenager, I am more of a cynic and a realist.
I hoped I would know, some people on here seem to know....it is just experience in certain things.
Nobody knows all.
Only a fool.
Wisdom is not in my possesion, I don't think it ever will be.

Don't doubt yourself because of youth.
Have faith in you.

Old farts make mistakes too.
ALL the time. x

 

[rajahh]

Gwen you are so right about saying wise words but not necessarily being wise.

People say I speak with wisdom. It totally amazes me every time because I know I am stumbling along, sometimes going under totally, and sometimes just seeing a chink of light.

However I do try to live for me as well as Gordon. I believe like you that we must not wait until we are " free" we must LIVE now alongside our loved ones, but indeed we must LIVE.

Jeannette

 

[kingmidas1962]

Gently does it ... you can make room and time for yourself but I have found that I've had to creep up on it, rather than run at it full tilt....

You are most certainly NOT selfish, as everyone has already said

I am extracting myself from my mum one day a week at first - she is a former carer recovering from a breakdown. My dad is in a home now - he is well-cared for and settled, mum is in extra care housing and now its time for me.

Carer breakdown is oh-so-real ... I've witnessed it first hand ...I don't try to scare people, but be warned, and I don't say that lightly

I am ever so gently getting some time back for myself.

It starts off as a tiny crack ... and as one of my very favourite sayings goes ... 'there is a crack in everything - that's how the light gets in' (Leonard Cohen)

 

[Miss Merlot]

No you are not selfish. I regularly fantasize about a swift and merciful death for my MIL (and yes mods, I do anticipate am "breaching T&Cs" blah blah blah in saying as much). The day she dies, I will be on here rejoicing the fact (but won't breath a word of my emotions to OH...).

I voice this truth to let you know that, certainly by comparison with me, but also with the vast majority of much nicer people - on here and otherwise - you are anything but selfish!!

 

[zeeeb]

many elderly people get like that. I have 2 grandparents who are not suffering dementia, and they are somewhat selfish and self centred. They always talk about what ails them, and one of them in particular never seems concerned about anyone else, just himself and his own problems. Every time you see him, he has a list of things he needs you to do, and the list is only ever given one or two items at a time, so that he is requiring us to come regularly and do one or 2 small things (i think in order to get us to come often).

No concern that we have a family to run, or a business to run and a ridiculously busy life that we have to try and keep running, plenty of other relatives that also need a big load of support and care.

It's hard, but you have to draw the line somewhere and make time for yourself. If your parents can't cope at home without you for a couple of days in a week so that you can take up a hobby, go for a walk, go on a social outing or just relax and read a book, then perhaps they need more care, or consideration into going to a a care home.

As much as we feel it is our responsibility to look after our parents, we also still have to look after ourselves because we will be left behind to pick up our own pieces when they depart, we still need a could of shreds of sanity left in order to carry on.

Do try to look after yourself. If that means turning off your phone for one day every week, then so be it. If they can't cope without you for one day in a week, it's likely that they do need more care. Leave them with a list of emergency numbers, hospitals, ambulances, police, social worker?, GP surgery, and turn off your phone. You have every right to be able to have your own life as well.

 

[bemused1]

I have often said there are too many books about the person who has dementia and not enough about the caree.

As far as I know there is only the Selfish Pigs guide to Caring which I read.

I keep threatening to write a book for carers.

Sorry you feel the way you do, but I totally understand why .

Jeannette

Please do Jeanette, you speak with authority and conviction, not to mention experience

 

[Pross]

On my darker days I rail about always having to live my life on my husbands terms, do what fits in with his needs, compulsions, obsessions. But I am luckier than you, I do get a couple of days off a week while PJ is at the day centre. Make time for yourself. If your mother is going to complain whatever you do, then there may as well be something for her to complain about. There's going to be a time when you are on your own. Start working on a life of your own now. Good luck.

 

[Owly]

Ang, maybe you could go to your local library and pick up some leaflets or look on the noticeboard and you might find something sociable to do, a group to join, that you could do while your mum is having her social life.

 

[Smirf]

If you have access to the internet see if you have a local Carers group, or look up respite there are lots of events down in essex are the moment which are focused on Caring for the CArer, if you are ill or worse it costs the council a fortune or it is in their interest to ensure you can cope.

Be selfish, do what you need to do to cope, its hard but you need the space.

 

[SueShell]

Me, hair twiddler and you are in a parallel universe!

You are not selfish Ang. I'm 60 next month, had so many plans that have all gone out the window! I gave up full time work two years ago to take care of Mum who has AD. This has pretty much crucified me financially. I'm an only child and like you, have no-one else to take off the load from time to time. SS are useless, and I too feel very alone. My Mum is pretty much nocturnal now. Every day its the same old thing, she moans day in, day out, whilst I'm going around clearing up mess and taking care of her every need. It's only guilt that keeps me doing it. I've always had a very turbulant relationship with my Mum (do take a look at my other posts which will give you an insight), and I do sometimes, I'm sorry to say, wish she'd died quickly so I can have my life back. I've already decided that if she's still around when I'm 63 and she'll be 90 I will have to bite the bullet and put her into a care home otherwise I will have no life at all before I'm ill myself. She's a very strong personality and when I try to do things that would help her, I am then nagging her apparently. She refuses day centre and respite. I've got 5 whole days away in May and already she's making nasty comments about it. Tough, I'm going. She can no longer comprehend that I need to escape from her, its not just the case of having a holiday! Take heart that you are not the only one who feels the way you do. Sue.