I miss my mum

[Celtic_Ghirl]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I've been awake for an hour crying because I miss my mum. She's still here physically but her dementia has recently worsened to the extent we can't talk about things anymore. I can still hug her at least but I need her advice and I miss the way she stood up for me. I miss going for lunch with her. We recently put her into a beautiful care home (11th Dec) things were becoming so bad caring for her at home. She now looks the best I've seen her in about 10 years. How are we supposed to cope with missing someone who is still there?

 

[CJinUSA]

You sound like a loving child of a loving woman. My mother lives with us. She's about stage 6 Alzheimer's. She still recognizes us, but she has trouble putting complete sentences together. I miss her, too. She used to be so vivacious. She retains her humor, but she is afraid to try to talk, because the words no longer come to her.

One thing I do, because she still knows me and knows where she is, is tell the old family stories. "I remember when [this or that happened], and you were so nice to me then, because I was hurting . . . ." or some such, just to connect with her and let her know she is important to me still. If I stick with the stories told over and over again, she'll say she remembers it, though I'm unsure she does. Still, it is one way to try to connect with her. I tell her happy things.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time tonight. I have hard times, too - mostly when I'm just so tired of dealing with everything and can't even talk with her about how I feel about having so much responsibility. Catch 22, that.

 

[Celtic_Ghirl]

Thanks for your reply. It's only in this last week I've really felt like we've lost her. I just have bad insomnia at the mo with all my stuff I have to deal with. She was on my mind and I just need her. She still has her sense of humour and strangely enough she has been crying recently because she misses her mum. My grandma died in 1976. It doesn't matter how old you get you still just need your mum sometimes.

You sound like a loving child of a loving woman. My mother lives with us. She's about stage 6 Alzheimer's. She still recognizes us, but she has trouble putting complete sentences together. I miss her, too. She used to be so vivacious. She retains her humor, but she is afraid to try to talk, because the words no longer come to her.

One thing I do, because she still knows me and knows where she is, is tell the old family stories. "I remember when [this or that happened], and you were so nice to me then, because I was hurting . . . ." or some such, just to connect with her and let her know she is important to me still. If I stick with the stories told over and over again, she'll say she remembers it, though I'm unsure she does. Still, it is one way to try to connect with her. I tell her happy things.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time tonight. I have hard times, too - mostly when I'm just so tired of dealing with everything and can't even talk with her about how I feel about having so much responsibility. Catch 22, that.

 

[CJinUSA]

Thanks for your reply. It's only in this last week I've really felt like we've lost her. I just have bad insomnia at the mo with all my stuff I have to deal with. She was on my mind and I just need her. She still has her sense of humour and strangely enough she has been crying recently because she misses her mum. My grandma died in 1976. It doesn't matter how old you get you still just need your mum sometimes.

Yes, it does seem to happen so suddenly. They are here, and then they are somewhere else, almost someone else. My mother has good days and bad ones. I miss being able to share my thoughts with her. Even just the decision-making about what we might have for supper is mine alone now, because unless I show her each option, she doesn't quite know what the words mean in terms of the food. The emotional support - it's like I never knew it was there - so fully there - until it wasn't there any more. I so hear what you are saying. You're right - you just need her sometimes, and she can't be there quite the way she's needed.

 

[SandieM]

It sounds like you are doing your very best for your Mum. You have found her a beautiful care home and you say she looks the best she has done in years. Your mother would be very proud of you and all of the care concern and love you have shown her.
I understand how you feel. Sometime things happen and I want to phone my Mum to tell her or pop round for a chat, and then I remember she is in the nursing home. I miss her.
Last weekend I was struggling top remember what my real Mum was like.
Tonight I am upset because she seems very poorly. I was thinking what would her advice be, and I could imagine her saying "Now don't make yourself ill worrying about me !"
Next time you visit take some photos of good times to look at together. Some while ago my mother was interested in looking at our last holidays together on my laptop. It gave me something different to talk about and helped me remember happier days.
Take care.

 

[Celtic_Ghirl]

Sorry to hear about your mum too. I think I will do that with the photographs. It's very hard to pacify her though. Her attention span is very short too. I'll try anything though.

It sounds like you are doing your very best for your Mum. You have found her a beautiful care home and you say she looks the best she has done in years. Your mother would be very proud of you and all of the care concern and love you have shown her.
I understand how you feel. Sometime things happen and I want to phone my Mum to tell her or pop round for a chat, and then I remember she is in the nursing home. I miss her.
Last weekend I was struggling top remember what my real Mum was like.
Tonight I am upset because she seems very poorly. I was thinking what would her advice be, and I could imagine her saying "Now don't make yourself ill worrying about me !"
Next time you visit take some photos of good times to look at together. Some while ago my mother was interested in looking at our last holidays together on my laptop. It gave me something different to talk about and helped me remember happier days.
Take care.

 

[Celtic_Ghirl]

Yes, it does seem to happen so suddenly. They are here, and then they are somewhere else, almost someone else. My mother has good days and bad ones. I miss being able to share my thoughts with her. Even just the decision-making about what we might have for supper is mine alone now, because unless I show her each option, she doesn't quite know what the words mean in terms of the food. The emotional support - it's like I never knew it was there - so fully there - until it wasn't there any more. I so hear what you are saying. You're right - you just need her sometimes, and she can't be there quite the way she's needed.

it's all the small things that add up when you are with them every day. I think my mum has improved because of all the activity the home has to offer. We couldn't give her the same stimulation at home. She would just sleep all day and be up all night. I went to visit her the other day and she had just had her hair done and was having an aromatherapy hand and arm massage. I could do most of these things at home but couldn't offer her the variety. I treat my mum as she would of treated herself had she had all her faculties. I have a beautician do her eyebrows etc. She told me once never to let her be one of those ladies sitting in a home with a beard. Ha ha! At least I can feel happy that she looks the best I can help her look. Hope all goes well for you too.

 

[babystar]

This rings so many bells with me. I also feel like I can't remember what my Mum was like before. Now she isn't able to have a conversation and everything she does say is a muddle. She is living alone and therefore lonely. Not eating unless she sees someone to sort her out. Stuck with a lack of help and not knowing where to turn...

I know I remember Mum being someone you didn't get on the wrong side of, not in a nasty way, just that she was strong-minded. Now to see that all gone, and to see her struggle and the confusion in her eyes, is so sad.

I wish we could have conversations (as opposed to me just gabbing on) and a laugh about things like we used to. It's weird to miss something that it feels like you can't remember having.

If you've found a care home and noticed an improvement in her then this is only a good thing. She is obviously happier in herself and that's what counts. I wonder if the same wouldn't benefit my Mum, to combat the loneliness and the not eating etc. But then there are so many other things to consider.

I think you can only cope with missing someone that is still there the best way you can. My Dad passed away 18 months ago and I have the same feeling that I can't remember all our times together. In a way it's harder when they are still there/not-there.

Thoughts are with you. It's doesn't make it better knowing others are having the same experiences, but it is good to know you're not alone.

 

[bilslin]

I feel like that with my mum. I lost my dad three years ago and feel like I never had time out to grieve for him because they live across the road and mums illness takes so much time to deal with. My dad was fiscally ill. But looking back I copied with that much better. Mums had A for the eight years they have lived opposite me. I look at her. She looks like my mum but sometimes I wonder where's she's gone. Since Christmas she got worse not doing anything for herself note. She had a fall outside on her door step, last night. But only grazed her knees. She keeps taking off her alarm.Also she's got anew career that comes in night call to prompt her meds ands she's started to refuse to take them from her. The other careers manage to get her to take them. I hope its not the start of her not taking her meds. Really low again today. Feel like I'm doing the lot on my own. My husband keeps arguing with me. Which is not helping. Keeps telling my mum to do things he seems to understand less and less. Bit worried about him (67) he's forgetting abit

 

[singp]

Sorry I have no suggestions as to how to cope with the loss of your 'old' mum. I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your feelings. I sometimes lie awake at night trying to remember how long ago it was when we last had one of our normal chats. It must be more than 4 years now. I also feel sad that in the years immediately before her dementia I lived abroad and therefore saw her less often. Now I am back and visit regularly to support my dad but the old relationship with my mum has gone as she rarely talks and it is almost impossible to get her engaged in anything. Its just one of the horrible consequences of this horrible disease.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I can empathise, too. Isn't it hard? I used to spend hours on the phone to my mam, just chatting about this and that. Before I had children and worked full-time, she would take me to the Metro Centre on my half day off, because I was too nervous to drive there. When the kids came along she was a lovely nana. She always seemed to know what to do. Very level headed and practical, feisty, funny, strong.

I miss all that.

We all need our mums, don't we?

 

[Celtic_Ghirl]

My mum had stopped eating even her old favourite meals were not exciting her. Since going into the home she is eating things she would never of considered before. Her face is fuller and not so sunken in on the eyes. It might be worthwhile to try your mum in respite. Perhaps a week or two to see how she would get on. It couldn't hurt to try. I cried so hard leaving my mum there but the relief is immense. Seeing her look better has helped the whole family.

This rings so many bells with me. I also feel like I can't remember what my Mum was like before. Now she isn't able to have a conversation and everything she does say is a muddle. She is living alone and therefore lonely. Not eating unless she sees someone to sort her out. Stuck with a lack of help and not knowing where to turn...

I know I remember Mum being someone you didn't get on the wrong side of, not in a nasty way, just that she was strong-minded. Now to see that all gone, and to see her struggle and the confusion in her eyes, is so sad.

I wish we could have conversations (as opposed to me just gabbing on) and a laugh about things like we used to. It's weird to miss something that it feels like you can't remember having.

If you've found a care home and noticed an improvement in her then this is only a good thing. She is obviously happier in herself and that's what counts. I wonder if the same wouldn't benefit my Mum, to combat the loneliness and the not eating etc. But then there are so many other things to consider.

I think you can only cope with missing someone that is still there the best way you can. My Dad passed away 18 months ago and I have the same feeling that I can't remember all our times together. In a way it's harder when they are still there/not-there.

Thoughts are with you. It's doesn't make it better knowing others are having the same experiences, but it is good to know you're not alone.

 

[60's child]

I miss my Mum as well. She was always so kind and supportive. Very quick witted and totally unselfish. Alzheimers has made her into someone so different I struggle to remember what she was like before. Its heartbreaking isnt it?

 

[Celtic_Ghirl]

I can't imagine what it would be like without my dad. I'm sorry for your loss. Again it might be good to let your mum try care. Just do your research and get a good one. Speak to residents and their families and see what they say. At least she will be safe and you won't worry.

I feel like that with my mum. I lost my dad three years ago and feel like I never had time out to grieve for him because they live across the road and mums illness takes so much time to deal with. My dad was fiscally ill. But looking back I copied with that much better. Mums had A for the eight years they have lived opposite me. I look at her. She looks like my mum but sometimes I wonder where's she's gone. Since Christmas she got worse not doing anything for herself note. She had a fall outside on her door step, last night. But only grazed her knees. She keeps taking off her alarm.Also she's got anew career that comes in night call to prompt her meds ands she's started to refuse to take them from her. The other careers manage to get her to take them. I hope its not the start of her not taking her meds. Really low again today. Feel like I'm doing the lot on my own. My husband keeps arguing with me. Which is not helping. Keeps telling my mum to do things he seems to understand less and less. Bit worried about him (67) he's forgetting abit

 

[Celtic_Ghirl]

to collegegirl, singp, 60's child

Its terrible we are going through this but good to know we're not alone. Yes we all need our mums. I just went and seen mine today. I was meant to go on wednesday but after last night I just went today. It was good. She was pleased to see me and I got lots of hugs. I guess I have to be grateful for that.

 

[Bearcubs]

Hello CG, I know exactly what you mean. It is so heartwrenching not having her there for you. I really miss my mom because she doesn't seem to understand what I am saying to her. We would talk about everything. All she seems to understand is getting hugs. It is so sad. If only she didn't have this horrible disease.

 

[sweetheart]

My Mum

Hi.my mum is now in a care home and has been now for 3 weeks.she keeps asking to go home.her house has to be sold.I live 400 miles away.I have just vsited her this last week and I feel so guilty as she said years ago never put me in a care home.

 

[Lizjg]

I also miss my Mum. My daughter got engaged on 1st January (the first of her grandchildren to get engaged) and I know just how pleased and excited she would have been about it, now she doesn't even know she has grandchildren. Its heartbreaking.
I hate the fact that I can no longer ask my mum for advice, go shopping with her or just natter to her on the phone about nothing in particular,
To answer how do you cope with missing somebody who is still there, I mourn the mum I have lost but hug the Mum I still have and tell her I love her, knowing that one day soon (mum in carehome with last stage of vascular dementia) that I will also lose this.

 

[angecmc]

I also miss my Mum. My daughter got engaged on 1st January (the first of her grandchildren to get engaged) and I know just how pleased and excited she would have been about it, now she doesn't even know she has grandchildren. Its heartbreaking.
I hate the fact that I can no longer ask my mum for advice, go shopping with her or just natter to her on the phone about nothing in particular,
To answer how do you cope with missing somebody who is still there, I mourn the mum I have lost but hug the Mum I still have and tell her I love her, knowing that one day soon (mum in carehome with last stage of vascular dementia) that I will also lose this.

I know what you mean. My son is getting married this year and I really want my Mum and Dad to be there but obviously Mum can't and wouldn't know who my son was anyway and Dad won't because he can't stand the thought of being there without her. I miss not being able to talk to Mum about the preparations. It's hard for my son too, both my sons were very close to her, she used to look after them when I went to work and was great fun to be with. She now asks me why I call her Mum, breaks my heart, I usually say because you are my Mum and I love you very much. It is so very sad xx

Ange

 

[Celtic_Ghirl]

Hi.my mum is now in a care home and has been now for 3 weeks.she keeps asking to go home.her house has to be sold.I live 400 miles away.I have just vsited her this last week and I feel so guilty as she said years ago never put me in a care home.

My mum constantly wanted home. Even when she was home she wanted home. She would finish get dinner and say "get my coat and shoes and order a taxi" so when she says she wants home from the care home we just presume it's the same thing. She gets really angry though when we say "this is your home" at least you know she is safe. I know about feeling guilty. I cried my heart out leaving my mum in the home. She looked so vulnerable. I kept going back in the room to hug her. Strangely enough she said to me "why are you crying?, I'll be fine". I feel better now knowing that she has a better standard of life and is getting the stimulation she needs.