1. barrygirl97

    barrygirl97 New member

    Aug 17, 2019
    2
    Hi guys,

    First time posting on a forum but I’ve been reading everyone’s threads for the past couple of weeks and I’ve got nothing to lost and hopefully some advice gained. My Nan who has looked after me and loved me unconditionally since I was about 3 is developing dementia (I’m assuming) her son, my dad lives in Scotland with his fiancé. We are extremely close and speak most of the time over the phone. My aunt (who lives 3 streets away) used to be very good in taking her mother (my Nan) to any hospital appointments and always brought the grandchildren up to see her on weekends. Lately over the past few years she has hardly been seen except for the couple of times she’s popped in on birthdays or mother’s day. My cousins are grown up with there own children and I’ve lived with my Nan for the past 10 years. It’s always been us two and no one else and to see her decline has been a disaster but I want to be there for her no matter what. I’ve constantly rang my aunt and my dad on advice on what I should do with nan (very stubborn and doesn’t see the change in herself) both have been very dismissive. My partner who lives with us too has been brilliant with her and very patient when me and my Nan get into arguements through frustration. I’m also a support worker for learning disabilities full time and so is my partner. We’ve recently got a new flat about 10 mins away from Nan and I’m still going to sleep over 3-4 nights and go to see her every evening. Should I feel guilty, leaving my Nan who is my bestest friend without anyone to speak to or to visit her except her cat (who I think she’s over feeding) while I go to work and live in my own home. I feel terrible about it and constantly thinking about her and feel like I’m driving myself insane. Sorry to write my life story, haven’t been able to get this off my chest in writing.
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,222
    Female
    South coast
    Hello @barrygirl97 and welcome to DTP.

    You cant do everything and be everything to your nan, much as you love her. You have to work and live your own life too.
    Has your nan been diagnosed yet? That, I think is the place to start. There are other things that your nan could do, such as going to a day centre, or having a carer pop in to check that she is OK, but it is often difficult to get people with dementia to acept this. Nevertheless, you cannot do everything and if you try you will burn out. You are visiting her very regularly and staying with her too and there are many people who have no-one looking out for them. You are doing your best, so please dont feel guilty.
     
  3. barrygirl97

    barrygirl97 New member

    Aug 17, 2019
    2
    Thanks Canary for replying! She hasn’t had a diagnosis yet but it’s very hard and I’m stepping on egg shells around the whole subject with her, she’s able to go to the shops and go shopping on her own still and daily skills are still perfect like doing the washing and getting dressed and stuff it’s more the loneliness aswell as none of the family come to visit. I’ve mentioned to her about going to the doctors and it just upsets her and makes her arguementative with me as if I’m the one doing this to her. She’s so sweet and wouldn’t harm a fly but I think I’m just over worrying myself as I would never want her to be upset, lonely, worried xxx
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,222
    Female
    South coast
    Im afraid that this is really common.

    I would be proactive and write a letter, or contact her GP about your concerns. The doctor wont be able to talk to you about them (patient confidentiality), but will be able to listen. Some doctors are willing to send an appointment for a "well woman" clinic ;);), in order to get them there and test for dementia as part of the "well woman" tests. Otherwise - is there something that she is concerned about (blood pressure, or arthritis) that she would go to the doctor about? Again, prime the doctor first.

    When you are dealing with dementia you often have to be very sneaky.
     
  5. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,901
    Nottinghamshire
    Welcome from me too @barrygirl97

    It sounds as though you are doing loads to keep your nan happy and I can see you've received good advice from @canary.
    I looked after my dad who lived by himself and I saw him almost every day. It certainly wasn't easy to keep working at the same time. You must remember to look after yourself as well. I'm sure your nan wouldn't want it any other way.

    Now that you've found us keep posting. There's always someone around to share worries and advice with... and help you stay sane!

    Be kind to yourself. You're doing great!
     

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