I know it's the condition......

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by father ted, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    683
    London
    Mum, 6 years daignosed with AD has lived with me, husband and 2 grandchildren for 5 years. For the most part things have been OK and I certainly think she is doing better with me than when she was at home. Since being here I have arranged 2 days a week at a day centre which she enjoys, a sitter once a week who she gets on great with and a nice lady that visits once a month just to chat to her and make up for the fact that she hasn't many friends alive or who can make the journey to see her.
    She tells everyone what a good daughter I am and how grateful she is BUT.....
    more and more frequently when it is just me and her she will become very 'prickly and arguementative.

    She says if she had stayed in her own home she would have continued to do her own shopping (even though she now never wants to the shops or even for a ride in the car). This all started when she asked me to buy corn plasters and I said she didn't need them as she had 2 unopened pkts upstairs. 'Oh so you've been going through my things'. To keep the peace I bought a third pkt.

    Now that it is very hot I told her to drink her water as she had not drunk her tea and that she would feel worse if she gets dehydrated ( I was a nurse and reminded her). ' Yes for 5 minutes- couldn't wait to leave' (actually I nursed for 3 years).

    Has started to make excuses not to go to her day centre, which she previously enjoyed but I take her because I care for another disabled family member and it is only during the day I get time to myself. Mum's response ' You have got very hard- what happened to you?'. Yet, she can be very needy and then will only want me.

    I know its down to her condition but I get so mad that my 'motives' for keeping her fed, watered and entertained are seen as interfering and dominating behaviour. And the worse thing is that because of her reactions our communication is now reduced to a very basic level trying to steer clear of anything that will get her riled. She sometimes comes out with such preposterous statements I have to correct her but would I be better just to passively accept it all even though I can feel my blood pressure rising?:mad:
     
  2. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    3,805
    Surrey
    Oh that post so reminds me of my hubby, once so even-tempered and now I dread opening my mouth as I know I will be shot down in flames. In a bizarre way, I find it almost comical as he was always so very placid ...

    So I know it's not him, but the illness. My coping mechanisms include agreeing with him (even if I don't), walking away, distracting myself etc... But yes, you feel the blood pressure rise at times and want to answer back. This is never a good idea in my case as it results in more accusations and slammed doors!!! It's just SO unlike the man I married, but you have to try to adapt as it's probably worse for them than you. Hope it helps writing it down here.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,299
    Female
    South coast
    Yes it is very difficult father ted. Mum went through an incredibly nasty phase. I suppose the "logic" in their minds must be that there is nothing wrong with them, so it must be you :(
    Its very hurtful and I dont know what the answer is. I was just very grateful when mum went past that stage.
     
  4. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,242
    I had the same with my mum and it's an incredibly hard stage. To run yourself into the ground for someone and not get a thank you is bad enough, but to have to put up with accusations and horribleness on top... well, it's difficult to do that with good grace.

    My mum and I didn't live together, though, so when she was at her worst I'd simply walk out. Or not even walk in, if, having just sat in traffic for ages to bring her some shopping or take her out I was greeted by a barrage of confabulated accusations. I knew from bitter experience that often nothing else worked. She'd be very difficult to distract, logic didn't register (why would I break into her house in the middle of the night to steal her dentures when I have no need of them, still having most of my own teeth?), and agreeing with her made her worse, as did other responses of the 'oh dear, sorry you feel that way' variety.

    So all I can say really is that I appreciate how hard this must be for you. My blood pressure too got affected by the stress and it must by so much worse not having that escape route like I did. At least I could go home to peace and a large G&T and download to my husband!

    But dementia progresses and things are unlikely to remain like this forever. Not much to cling to, and it's sad when improvements to the lives of carers come at the price of progression, but it is what it is.
     
  5. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,481
    Female
    London
  6. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    182
    My mum is in hospital awaiting a placement to a care home and, apparently, it's all my fault. Yet she is sweetness and light with my partner and my daughter, it's just me that gets the accusations. I've got to force myself to go and visit, x
     
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,299
    Female
    South coast
    Yeah, its usually their nearest and dearest that gets it
     

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