First of all I just want to apologize for rambling. I think of all the days I have been caring for mom...today has been the worst for me. She has slept most of the day....as have I. I've arranged for my office to be in here so I can care for her. Mom had never wanted to go into a nursing home...she detested them. I promised her that as long as I was capable I would keep her out of one. I am more than capable. As time has gone by with each new phase I have sought out what it would take to make life more comfortable. I spoon feed her, I change her "diaper" ( I really hate to use that word...it seems so degrading but that is what it is.) Thank God I have had the luxury of having at one time trusted someone to take care of her while I left the home. That person muddled my trust. I am now in the position of having it hard on me mentally. I did not think i would have such a time finding someone I could trust to come and sit with her even with hospice recommendations. I seem to be doing this to myself. Over time I have watched and read where others felt a tug between home care and nursing home care. I am here to say if you are still wondering....expect to lose it! I mean moms friends had ceased to come by before we moved, what little family we do have has chosen to hide from this, my neices, nephews and well thats it...they expect me to pack her up and bring her to them. My nephew is expecting his first son June 22..I am happy for him, but upset at the thought that he doesn't think to call and ask about her. (Never mind that he is living rent free in a home my brother and I own together) I want to slap this next generation into realizing that family is all you got...in most cases...and that friends come and go. Mind you tommorrow my middle son comes to visit for the weekend. He is coming by bus so he can drive with my daughter back to his house (He to lives rent free now thanx to my brother and I...so I'm not complaining about that..it's all equal) He wants to see his grandmother before she dies. He has closure to make with himself. I'm proud of him for stepping up. The thought of Elise being gone the first part of summer really scares me. She seems to have turned into my peephole to the outside world. She too, has to go for herself. The kids father have been given 4 months to live so it would seem that they are getting a double whammy. She will live with my son there as I don't want her staying with her father. (They need to connect and not her just go to take care of him) Well, I have been so rambling and I am so sorry to have been so long I just needed to vent. Danny has told me when he gets here I am to leave the house for a few hours and he will take care as he can. I am grateful for him....he has his rebellious side, but for some reason he has enough compassion in his pinky to make up for others. I only wish his friends would not take advantage of it. Today I will sit here and think of all the good I can muster. The sun outside with all the beautiful water and tides do not seem to be helping. It is most definitely time for a few hours break......and to those of you contemplating taking care at home, you doubly make sure you have a way of getting out for yourself for a few hours. It seems that since I have lost that I have been losing more of myself lately....and to those wondering why I don't ask my daughter, well let's just say that you need to be mentally strong to care in the late stages and this is something she has not been able to muster the past few months.