I’m crying my eyes out writing this, in fact writing this was my last resort as no one knows what I feel apart from you all.
When Mum started getting unwell, I went through my “boohoo in early twenties and my mum is careless about me and my stuff and doesn’t care like she used to” phase. It was hard coming home and my mother didn’t care about my graduation or new jobs or achievements. I know she cares and this isn’t her, but at the time it hurt me. I took it to heart.
I came home for xmas and New Years after not seeing her for a few months (she lives alone but in an older people’s property) and it just hit me all over again just how much she is changing. She comes across as very bitter and has nothing good to say about anyone. She sometimes says things that make no sense, or she mixes up words or even lies about things. And sometimes it seems like she’s just difficult for the sake of being difficult.
This evening I shouted at her and I feel so guilty and upset about it. I shouted because I was scared. She had an iron and was trying to iron some new curtains and put water inside the iron as you normally do BUT the iron was faulty and leaked and I just LOST MY MIND out of fear for her and talked down to her, shouting “what is wrong with you!!!” And she got up and sat in the other room and I felt awful. I have managed this whole visit without raising my voice and tonight I screwed up.
It is SO HARD. I try and try to bite my tongue, to not question her when she says weird things, to not take it to heart when big events happen in my life and she’s more interested in what happens in her tv soaps. I really do. But tonight I just lost it.
I really feel like I just want to run away and never come back. I won’t ofcourse. She is my mother and I love her. I just don’t know how to cope when I come home anymore.
When Mum started getting unwell, I went through my “boohoo in early twenties and my mum is careless about me and my stuff and doesn’t care like she used to” phase. It was hard coming home and my mother didn’t care about my graduation or new jobs or achievements. I know she cares and this isn’t her, but at the time it hurt me. I took it to heart.
I came home for xmas and New Years after not seeing her for a few months (she lives alone but in an older people’s property) and it just hit me all over again just how much she is changing. She comes across as very bitter and has nothing good to say about anyone. She sometimes says things that make no sense, or she mixes up words or even lies about things. And sometimes it seems like she’s just difficult for the sake of being difficult.
This evening I shouted at her and I feel so guilty and upset about it. I shouted because I was scared. She had an iron and was trying to iron some new curtains and put water inside the iron as you normally do BUT the iron was faulty and leaked and I just LOST MY MIND out of fear for her and talked down to her, shouting “what is wrong with you!!!” And she got up and sat in the other room and I felt awful. I have managed this whole visit without raising my voice and tonight I screwed up.
It is SO HARD. I try and try to bite my tongue, to not question her when she says weird things, to not take it to heart when big events happen in my life and she’s more interested in what happens in her tv soaps. I really do. But tonight I just lost it.
I really feel like I just want to run away and never come back. I won’t ofcourse. She is my mother and I love her. I just don’t know how to cope when I come home anymore.