I need them to listen and act for once! Because I live so far from Mum and my family can't help either, Mum's ex partner has managed to creep his way in and now has pretty much taken over her life. The situation has been going on for a while, and although I yelled and stamped and they all remarked on how nasty he was to her, because he was not removed he has now become part of the furniture and accepted. But Mum still hates him and wants him gone. Unfortunately due to her delusions she was too scared to tell anyone official about his abuse of her. But surely they could have understood that and made some allowance...? Anyway, it still goes on. The carers have mentioned it yet again (Why do *they* not report it? Or if they do, why is nothing done?!)
So I sent this email to the socail worker. I have sent others in the past saying pretty much the same thing, but this one is much stronger worded. Do you think it will work?
"Dear Social worker,
I am becoming even more concerned about my mother J. I am hearing things about her life that deeply concern me. She is still being taken care of by B and she still does not want that to happen but still has no way of stopping him from coming to her house. She still complains that his behaviour towards her is frightening, domineering, controlling, and nasty. He shouts at her, swears at her, calls her a *****. He talks at her for hours and hours on end and pokes her hard enough to leave bruises to wake her up and listen some more when she falls asleep exhausted from it all. That is not the sum total, by any means. It amounts to emotional abuse. She is still scared of him. She still complains that he has taken control of her life against her wishes and she has no personal freedom. He decides what food she may eat, he goes and buys it and doesn't let her have any say in it. He refuses to take her with him. She still does not want him to take care of her money but has no way to stop him. Nor do any of her family, as we all know what will happen if we confront him. He will wait until he has her alone, and take revenge as he has done in the past. She tells him to go away and leave her alone, but he refuses, or he just comes back again the next day. He has had keys to her house made for himself against her wishes so she cannot prevent him from coming in. Her carers are still concerned about her. He still refuses to get her medicines delivered in blister packs so that the carers can administer them, he likes to have the control over it. When he is not there she has to go without her medicine as no one knows what she has or has not had. He apparently prevents the carers from doing their job if he is present when they call. J tells me she does not want this. She wants the carers to stop doing what he tells them to do and do what SHE wants them to do. She wants them to at least ask her, not him! We have discussed this at length and I have discussed it with C and I am really disappointed that it still continues. I know that under the mental health act no one can take her rights to decisions away from her but that is exactly what he is doing. And he is being supported in this by her carers and social services, who by not acting are allowing him to take over her life. Knowing he is abusive.
J can not answer her phone anymore. It is one you have to press a button to answer and she cannot manage this. I wanted to replace it with a simple corded handset you just lift up. B has said he will not allow one to be installed as she is better off with her existing one. In his opinion. Not hers. She can barely hold a conversation on the phone as it is, but what he is doing is deliberately cutting her off from the outside world. He claims to be doing all this to help J. And I believe that is what he thinks he is doing. But it is not what J thinks he is doing and she tells him so but he rides roughshod over her wishes. He is disregarding her wishes at every turn, scaring her, dominating her and she feels emotionally abused.
You have said there is nothing social services can do to help. What I am asking you now is, who *can* help? Who do I report this to that will not just make it all worse for her? J is terrified of him, terrified he will find out that she has gone against his control. In her demented state she is terrified that the police will tell B what she has said and force her to stay with B. Who she knows from past experience will take revenge on her once she is alone with him. She knows he is cunning, devious and manipulative and is terrified that anyone she tells will take his side and leave her in danger. Which is not a delusional fear brought about by her dementia by the way, it is a real fear she has learned from past experience. She is living in a hell of misery and fear and I cannot believe there is no way to act on this, no help for her. Surely there must be other people with mental health issues that mean they cannot take control of their own lives and rid themselves of their abusers. What do you normally do about them? Surely you do not just leave them...? Has anyone been out to see her again as I requested, to ask her about these issues? If not, can you please tell me when someone is going out? And please please please signpost me to someone who *can* help us end her abuse?
(I changed the names for this forum)
So I sent this email to the socail worker. I have sent others in the past saying pretty much the same thing, but this one is much stronger worded. Do you think it will work?
"Dear Social worker,
I am becoming even more concerned about my mother J. I am hearing things about her life that deeply concern me. She is still being taken care of by B and she still does not want that to happen but still has no way of stopping him from coming to her house. She still complains that his behaviour towards her is frightening, domineering, controlling, and nasty. He shouts at her, swears at her, calls her a *****. He talks at her for hours and hours on end and pokes her hard enough to leave bruises to wake her up and listen some more when she falls asleep exhausted from it all. That is not the sum total, by any means. It amounts to emotional abuse. She is still scared of him. She still complains that he has taken control of her life against her wishes and she has no personal freedom. He decides what food she may eat, he goes and buys it and doesn't let her have any say in it. He refuses to take her with him. She still does not want him to take care of her money but has no way to stop him. Nor do any of her family, as we all know what will happen if we confront him. He will wait until he has her alone, and take revenge as he has done in the past. She tells him to go away and leave her alone, but he refuses, or he just comes back again the next day. He has had keys to her house made for himself against her wishes so she cannot prevent him from coming in. Her carers are still concerned about her. He still refuses to get her medicines delivered in blister packs so that the carers can administer them, he likes to have the control over it. When he is not there she has to go without her medicine as no one knows what she has or has not had. He apparently prevents the carers from doing their job if he is present when they call. J tells me she does not want this. She wants the carers to stop doing what he tells them to do and do what SHE wants them to do. She wants them to at least ask her, not him! We have discussed this at length and I have discussed it with C and I am really disappointed that it still continues. I know that under the mental health act no one can take her rights to decisions away from her but that is exactly what he is doing. And he is being supported in this by her carers and social services, who by not acting are allowing him to take over her life. Knowing he is abusive.
J can not answer her phone anymore. It is one you have to press a button to answer and she cannot manage this. I wanted to replace it with a simple corded handset you just lift up. B has said he will not allow one to be installed as she is better off with her existing one. In his opinion. Not hers. She can barely hold a conversation on the phone as it is, but what he is doing is deliberately cutting her off from the outside world. He claims to be doing all this to help J. And I believe that is what he thinks he is doing. But it is not what J thinks he is doing and she tells him so but he rides roughshod over her wishes. He is disregarding her wishes at every turn, scaring her, dominating her and she feels emotionally abused.
You have said there is nothing social services can do to help. What I am asking you now is, who *can* help? Who do I report this to that will not just make it all worse for her? J is terrified of him, terrified he will find out that she has gone against his control. In her demented state she is terrified that the police will tell B what she has said and force her to stay with B. Who she knows from past experience will take revenge on her once she is alone with him. She knows he is cunning, devious and manipulative and is terrified that anyone she tells will take his side and leave her in danger. Which is not a delusional fear brought about by her dementia by the way, it is a real fear she has learned from past experience. She is living in a hell of misery and fear and I cannot believe there is no way to act on this, no help for her. Surely there must be other people with mental health issues that mean they cannot take control of their own lives and rid themselves of their abusers. What do you normally do about them? Surely you do not just leave them...? Has anyone been out to see her again as I requested, to ask her about these issues? If not, can you please tell me when someone is going out? And please please please signpost me to someone who *can* help us end her abuse?
(I changed the names for this forum)
