I have had enough

[poster]

Last Friday (24th August) I had a fall and broke a bone in my leg at the top. To cut a long story short, I have had to spend a week in hospital. I was on morphine and crutches and still have a long way to go. I am home now but still very immobile and on crutches and in pain if I move the wrong way. Thankfully I have a good neighbour, good friends and social services.

I had to tell my mum who has slight dementia. She knew I was in hospital etc but she is very confused. I told her I had been discharged but today she did not ring me to see how I was. I was astounded because I am her only daughter and when I first told her about the accident, she was very sorry and a bit upset. She has got it into her head that since I was only in hospital for a week then the broken bone has mended and I am fine and do not need her to ask how I am. I said broken bones take 6 weeks to heal and even then I was told that sometimes its a bit more than that. Its 6 weeks to get the person mobile and then three months from the date of the accident to have the bone fully heal. The only thing my mum said was "oh well". .

I can be in a lot of pain if not careful. I am just very upset because of the accident and my mums attitude

 

[Pegsdaughter]

Sorry to hear of your broken leg. 3 years ago I broke mine and my mother was quite annoyed that it might inconvenience her eg she had to sit in the back of the car etc etc. find plenty of things to do while keeping your leg raised. My cushions all got mended, word search on my tablet, films downloaded etc as there is a limit to how much reading and TV you can watch in a day. Only good thing was husband had to step up and do things. It seems to be forever at the time but it does get better.


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[marionq]

Poster this lack of empathy is one of the most hurtful parts of the disease. On Friday I had a doctors appointment and as John is a wanderer he had to come with me. I was sent for blood tests and then to a hospital for an X ray. This all took several hours as you can imagine and at no time did my husband ask me what was wrong with me.

I have become used to this behaviour but I dont like it. Your Mum is unable to put together the information about your leg in the way she would have done while well. There will be other hurts and the brutal truth is you must accept them as nothing can be done.

 

[Beate]

I know that lack of empathy is hard to deal with. But she doesn't have an attitude. She has dementia. She cannot help that her brain processes things differently to the rest of us. I know it's difficult but she isn't doing it deliberately so please try not to be upset with her. She wouldn't understand why you are. I hope you get well soon.

 

[Saffie]

Beate is right I'm afraid. This is just your mother's dementia and something she really cannot help. She won't remember you telling her about the length of time a bone takes to heal and it's doubtful if she even understood 5 minutes after you told her.
Lack of logic and lack of empathy are just part of the dementia package.
It is hard to accept in the early days but something we all have had to get used to.

ps. Sorry I assumed you were a new member but you will obviously have read all the factsheets by now so I've deleted the reference to them!

 

[poster]

Sorry to hear of your broken leg. 3 years ago I broke mine and my mother was quite annoyed that it might inconvenience her eg she had to sit in the back of the car etc etc. find plenty of things to do while keeping your leg raised. My cushions all got mended, word search on my tablet, films downloaded etc as there is a limit to how much reading and TV you can watch in a day. Only good thing was husband had to step up and do things. It seems to be forever at the time but it does get better.


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Hi thanks. Mine is not a broken leg as such, it is a broken bone near my pubic area. It is called Pubic Rami Fracture. Raising my leg makes it worse. I get sharp sudden pains if I move the wrong way. The best thing for me is to either sit in a chair or lay on a bed and keep my legs horizontal. I can if I am very careful raise my legs up and put my feet flat so my knees are up. They cannot plaster this or strap it so they have to leave it and let nature take its course. How did you break your leg? I broke mine falling on the train going to work. I have brittle bones so that's probably why. I broke my foot at the side 6 months ago and had never broken a bone before and that's how they discovered I had brittle bones. I don't know what caused my brittle bones. They say early menopause but I went through the menopause at 47 and that's not early according to the doctors. They asked if anyone else in the family has it and I said no (I have no siblings and my mother doesn't have it and nor did my dad)

 

[poster]

Beate is right I'm afraid. This is just your mother's dementia and something she really cannot help. She won't remember you telling her about the length of time a bone takes to heal and it's doubtful if she even understood 5 minutes after you told her.
Lack of logic and lack of empathy are just part of the dementia package.
It is hard to accept in the early days but something you will get used to.
To understand perhaps it would help to read some of the fact sheets the AS produce. The link to these is at the top of the page on the right hand side.

Thanks. The more I hear about how it affects the person the more I understand. I did not realise that dementia people have a lack of empathy. I certainly do now! I think part of my problem is that my mum is not as bad as some people who do not recognise their own family etc. I think I should learn more about the disease and then I wont get so upset when my mum doesn't behave properly. There are various stages of dementia and my mum is in the early stages. My mum lives in a care home and laughs and jokes and makes coherent conversation with the staff and likes to listen to music and read poetry books. (in her young years she wrote poetry as a hobby). I thought if she can still do all that and understand the poetry she is reading I fooled myself into thinking she was ok. One of her other problems and I think this is dementia related, is that she has no empathy for others in her care home. She worked as a school teacher and was university educated. A lot of the other people in her care home had jobs in shops or cleaning or cooking. There is nothing wrong with that. My mum will not talk to them because she feels superior due to her education and job and feels they cannot converse with her in an intelligent way. She therefore isolates herself and tells me she is superior to them. I myself have friends from all walks of life doing all kinds of jobs. One of my closest friends serves in a shop and as far as I am concerned whats more important is that she gets up and does an honest days work for an honest days pay and works hard. It doesn't matter to me that she is not a doctor or a solicitor etc or has been to university. Whats more important to me is her kindness. My mum is a snob. She cant help it its part of her illness and now I realise I don't expect very much more

 

[blueboy]

My partner died a month or so ago and when I went to tell Mum she was on the floor covered in faeces. I got her up but was in floods of tears - she didn't even ask why. She would never, ever have been like that before this terrible disease - I really sympathise with you.

 

[poster]

Poster this lack of empathy is one of the most hurtful parts of the disease. On Friday I had a doctors appointment and as John is a wanderer he had to come with me. I was sent for blood tests and then to a hospital for an X ray. This all took several hours as you can imagine and at no time did my husband ask me what was wrong with me.

I have become used to this behaviour but I dont like it. Your Mum is unable to put together the information about your leg in the way she would have done while well. There will be other hurts and the brutal truth is you must accept them as nothing can be done.

Thank you. I notice you are from London. I had the accident in London and was taken to St Thomas Hospital but they discharged me the same day with no after care. I am going to complain. They didn't even want to take me home at first but decided to in the end in a People Carrier. It was when I got home and felt I had no support that I wanted to go back to hospital so I called an ambulance and went to my local hospital and the doctors at my local hospital said St Thomas should never have sent me home. My local hospital admitted me immediately and I got physio care showing me how to walk with crutches, how to get on and of a bed safely and how to manage stairs as I have stairs at home. I got NOTHING from St Thomas and I did not know how to get on my bed without hurting myself and felt I would make the injury worse or fall down and injur myself further. I came home from St Thomas and tried to get on my bed and lifted my legs up from the side and over onto the bed and that's what made it very very painful and I screamed and my neighbour came up to see what was happening.

The other thing my mum said was that she asked me if I was going back to work soon and I said no. She said to me my job will be in danger if I don't go back soon. I didn't say anything but I said I am signed off. I cannot possibly go back to work yet and even when I do it will be phased back to work three days a week or half days.

Thank you for your message etc

 

[poster]

My partner died a month or so ago and when I went to tell Mum she was on the floor covered in faeces. I got her up but was in floods of tears - she didn't even ask why. She would never, ever have been like that before this terrible disease - I really sympathise with you.

Sorry for your loss. I don't understand who you are referring to who has dementia your mum or partner

 

[Pegsdaughter]

I was on an escalator when the people with the pushchair in front of me,which was not folded , had a problem at the bottom getting off the wheels got stuck in the tread and I was thrown to the bottom. They kindly dragged me off by my arms and went on their way. London Underground said not their fault as they always tell people to fold pushchairs (no!!) any way yours sounds much much more horrible you poor thing, get loads of rest. Sue


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[poster]

I was on an escalator when the people with the pushchair in front of me,which was not folded , had a problem at the bottom getting off the wheels got stuck in the tread and I was thrown to the bottom. They kindly dragged me off by my arms and went on their way. London Underground said not their fault as they always tell people to fold pushchairs (no!!) any way yours sounds much much more horrible you poor thing, get loads of rest. Sue


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Thanks. Thankfully I have good people to help me and I am not in pain unless I move awkwardly. If I am not careful this will turn into a medical thread and its not its about dementia

 

[Pear trees]

Duplicated

 

[Pear trees]

I hope you get some rest and feel better soon, Poster.
The lack of sympathy is hard to deal with. I have not told my mum my husband was in hospital recently following a collapse after an isolated seizure. He cannot drive for 6 months so am driving him everywhere as well as visiting my mum as usual. I am shattered, but she has never been interested in my problems, and is only ever worried about when her next meal will be.

 

[fizzie]

I am so sorry to hear about your accident and the pain you are suffering.

I looked after my Mum for 4 years and it took me a while to realise that she was NEVER being deliberately hurtful or spiteful by not being able to be the person she had been before. I would put a 100% bet that this is your Mum's memory and there is no way she is doing this deliberately. I am an only child too so I know exactly where you are coming from and it is hurtful, especially when we are feeling low but it isn't deliberate and I'm sure no-one would want to be in your Mum's shoes.

Take care of yourself and please try not to think that she is being hurtful x

 

[technotronic]

It's Blue boys mum that has dementia by the sound of it.


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[poster]

Thanks everyone for your words of kindness and wisdom

 

[Linbrusco]

I feel your sadness.
My Mum is at a moderate stage of Alzheimers after 2.5 yrs.

Its quite hard to take when Mum shows more empathy with a crying child at the supermarket than her own daughter (me) who tripped and fell and sprained her thumb and wrist and was in a splint for 3 days and in a sling. All in the duty of caring for Mum too.
She could see the splint on my arm, and would ask what it was, only to ask me again.
Even when I took it off and showed her the bruising, hardly a word.

Not that anyone likes to hear a crying child but you know what I mean.

 

[poster]

I feel your sadness.
My Mum is at a moderate stage of Alzheimers after 2.5 yrs.

Its quite hard to take when Mum shows more empathy with a crying child at the supermarket than her own daughter (me) who tripped and fell and sprained her thumb and wrist and was in a splint for 3 days and in a sling. All in the duty of caring for Mum too.
She could see the splint on my arm, and would ask what it was, only to ask me again.
Even when I took it off and showed her the bruising, hardly a word.

Not that anyone likes to hear a crying child but you know what I mean.

Yeah I know. I see my mum do something similar

 

[Jesskle66]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through (physical and emotional), Poster, but thank you for posting this as it has really helped me. I hadn't realized that lack of empathy is such a common symptom. I remember feeling this increasingly from my mum. I do have health issues which are never referred to, and when I was having a particularly hard time my husband asked if mum had noticed I was struggling. My reply to him was 'I could turn into a hamster and mum wouldn't notice, as long as I do everything for her.' Flippant but truly how I felt. Dementia seems such a huge umbrella, but reading your post and others responses it does seem yet another symtom of the fact that their brains are dying and they cannot be the person they were. We still want our mums and always will, but they can't be what we want them to be anymore.