• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

I have broken down and can no longer cope

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Me and my mum care for dad at home but his recent urine tract infection has made him really confused , incontinent and almost psychotic .....I am a 49 year old male with no social life and already suffer from depression and I am on fluoxetine , dads advancing illness is exhausting and I feel he needs to be in a home to prevent me going over the edge and my elderly mother also becoming illl.....trouble is she is very traditional and wants to look after him to the end ....but when it takes forty five minutes to get him ready for bed and he has regular bouts of double incontinence...... The recent diaorhea one took us two days to clean the carpets , I am left exhausted and depression and anxiety overwhelms me .......I also get quite angry with my poor dad and the other night he refused to go to bed so I lost my cool and literally dragged him to his room ....poor man .....I love him but its obvious we need either more intensive nursing help at home or he needs to be cared for elsewhere or I am at risk of neglecting him or hurting myself .......I personally think a nearby home would be the best option but its such a minefield .......any words of advice would be most appreciated........... Thank you so much .......I am in cowbridge just outside Cardiff
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Oh my goodness, you really are having such a difficult time and you and your mum need help.
If she wants to care for him at home then you need extra help
I don't know if you have done any of the following but here goes see if any helps

You can phone Social Services Adult Care Duty Desk, tell them it is urgent and explain your situation and ask for an assessment for your Dad - if you ask for day care that should be an option - a day centre where your Dad can go for lunch and activities. As well as our social services centre we also have Crossroads Day Centre where people can go for up to 3 days and it is also worth googling Dementia activities + your area to see what is going on. There is probably a fair bit but you need to search for it. Some care homes also do 'day care' which can be useful but I would try the day centres first. Day centres are a life saver - they give you time out and your Dad time away

You can also ask for a carers assessment - this will give you a break and give you some 'free' hours of help possibly

It will be helpful for you to apply for Attendance Allowance - the forms are a bit tricky in that you have to imagine the worst possible day for mum and write down the help that she needs (not the help that she gets but what she NEEDS). Attendance Allowance is not means tested and you should get it at the higher rate for both night and day, if you need some help with the forms come back and ask

Age UK are really good at practical help like filling in these forms
Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year. It is a freephone number and you can talk to them anytime - even now!!! To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

In the longer term I would strongly advise you to join your local carers organisation - they usually have a carers cafe (and so do Alzheimers society in some areas) and it is worth a morning off work to go and find out what help there is in your area over a cup of coffee.

The Dementia helpline is a useful number to have

lzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.

The Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday


Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year and takes in excess of 250,000 calls annually. To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

If you look on the search on here you will find a link to compassionate communication which is really helpful. I understand your frustration but getting cross with your Dad won't help you or him.

Honestly if you get more help into the home you will all feel much better very quickly

i hope some of this helps
Thinking of you, keep posting
xx
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
Frankie, I agree with you.

Your situation echoes ours. My Dad carried on caring for Mum at huge cost to his health but however hard he tried he just couldn't give her good care. Mum needed an environment designed for caring for someone doubly incontinent and staffing levels suited to someone in need of 24 / 7 care. Now Mum has moved into a nursing home, she's far better cared for and Dad's almost reconciled to her being there.

In your shoes, I'd try speaking to Social Services Adult Care team on Monday. Say they need to intervene ASAP because the situation's becoming a safeguarding problem, where the health and well-being of all three of you is at serious risk. Tell them about the incident that worried you and about the squalor you're all living with because of your Dad's incontinence. Tell them about your Mum's frail health and inability to carry on caring if you have to protect your own health by opting out. Tell them your Mum might be more receptive to their advice than to your's ... and push and push until you get them to come out and do a safeguarding visit.

Good luck.
 

1mindy

Registered User
Jul 21, 2015
539
Shropshire
I can only agree with everyone else.

Your dad is not getting the best care at home despite your Mums best efforts . The impact upon you and your mum is so damaging to your health you need to contact adult social care and get them out as a matter of some urgency.

Take care of yourself .
 

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Love to you

Frankie, I agree with you.

Your situation echoes ours. My Dad carried on caring for Mum at huge cost to his health but however hard he tried he just couldn't give her good care. Mum needed an environment designed for caring for someone doubly incontinent and staffing levels suited to someone in need of 24 / 7 care. Now Mum has moved into a nursing home, she's far better cared for and Dad's almost reconciled to her being there.

In your shoes, I'd try speaking to Social Services Adult Care team on Monday. Say they need to intervene ASAP because the situation's becoming a safeguarding problem, where the health and well-being of all three of you is at serious risk. Tell them about the incident that worried you and about the squalor you're all living with because of your Dad's incontinence. Tell them about your Mum's frail health and inability to carry on caring if you have to protect your own health by opting out. Tell them your Mum might be more receptive to their advice than to your's ... and push and push until you get them to come out and do a safeguarding visit.

Good luck.

Thank you so much
 

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Thank you very much

I can only agree with everyone else.

Your dad is not getting the best care at home despite your Mums best efforts . The impact upon you and your mum is so damaging to your health you need to contact adult social care and get them out as a matter of some urgency.

Take care of yourself .
Thanks for taking the trouble to help me xx
 

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Thank you very much

Oh my goodness, you really are having such a difficult time and you and your mum need help.
If she wants to care for him at home then you need extra help
I don't know if you have done any of the following but here goes see if any helps

You can phone Social Services Adult Care Duty Desk, tell them it is urgent and explain your situation and ask for an assessment for your Dad - if you ask for day care that should be an option - a day centre where your Dad can go for lunch and activities. As well as our social services centre we also have Crossroads Day Centre where people can go for up to 3 days and it is also worth googling Dementia activities + your area to see what is going on. There is probably a fair bit but you need to search for it. Some care homes also do 'day care' which can be useful but I would try the day centres first. Day centres are a life saver - they give you time out and your Dad time away

You can also ask for a carers assessment - this will give you a break and give you some 'free' hours of help possibly

It will be helpful for you to apply for Attendance Allowance - the forms are a bit tricky in that you have to imagine the worst possible day for mum and write down the help that she needs (not the help that she gets but what she NEEDS). Attendance Allowance is not means tested and you should get it at the higher rate for both night and day, if you need some help with the forms come back and ask

Age UK are really good at practical help like filling in these forms
Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year. It is a freephone number and you can talk to them anytime - even now!!! To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

In the longer term I would strongly advise you to join your local carers organisation - they usually have a carers cafe (and so do Alzheimers society in some areas) and it is worth a morning off work to go and find out what help there is in your area over a cup of coffee.

The Dementia helpline is a useful number to have

lzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.

The Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday


Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year and takes in excess of 250,000 calls annually. To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

If you look on the search on here you will find a link to compassionate communication which is really helpful. I understand your frustration but getting cross with your Dad won't help you or him.

Honestly if you get more help into the home you will all feel much better very quickly

i hope some of this helps
Thinking of you, keep posting
xx
For all your advice , bless you
 

Dimelza

Registered User
May 28, 2013
130
Oh frankie. It's so difficult and an emotional subject, care homes. I'm pleased, much as I desperately wanted dad at home, that my hand was forced by such a rapid decline that he needs 24/7 nursing care that I can't offer. The relief at him being well cared for is immense and now I can spend quality time with dad.
Lots of fabulous advice already so just wanted to empathise xxx
 

Ellaroo

Registered User
Nov 16, 2015
161
Liverpool
Me and my mum care for dad at home but his recent urine tract infection has made him really confused , incontinent and almost psychotic .....I am a 49 year old male with no social life and already suffer from depression and I am on fluoxetine , dads advancing illness is exhausting and I feel he needs to be in a home to prevent me going over the edge and my elderly mother also becoming illl.....trouble is she is very traditional and wants to look after him to the end ....but when it takes forty five minutes to get him ready for bed and he has regular bouts of double incontinence...... The recent diaorhea one took us two days to clean the carpets , I am left exhausted and depression and anxiety overwhelms me .......I also get quite angry with my poor dad and the other night he refused to go to bed so I lost my cool and literally dragged him to his room ....poor man .....I love him but its obvious we need either more intensive nursing help at home or he needs to be cared for elsewhere or I am at risk of neglecting him or hurting myself .......I personally think a nearby home would be the best option but its such a minefield .......any words of advice would be most appreciated........... Thank you so much .......I am in cowbridge just outside Cardiff
Ive had moments were i think this is it, carehome time. I seem to survive on regular respite, every 6-9 weeks throughput year.
Tomorrow is another day , hope its good for you . Xxxx
 

angelface

Registered User
Oct 8, 2011
1,085
london
What an awful situation to be in .

In your first post you said that you were at risk of neglecting your dad
or hurting yourself.This is the key to what you must say to social services.

When you speak to SS you must make it very clear to them how desperate you are. Shouting never does any good I found,but maybe you can sound very very upset?

Sorry to come on so strong, but I really feel for you.

Over Christmas and new year, a lot of services are just not available, so on Monday you really need to get on the phone.

Hopefully your dad isn't violent,but if he should be,you know you can ring an ambulance?
 

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Bless you

Oh frankie. It's so difficult and an emotional subject, care homes. I'm pleased, much as I desperately wanted dad at home, that my hand was forced by such a rapid decline that he needs 24/7 nursing care that I can't offer. The relief at him being well cared for is immense and now I can spend quality time with dad.
Lots of fabulous advice already so just wanted to empathise xxx
Thank you xx
 

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Thank you

What an awful situation to be in .

In your first post you said that you were at risk of neglecting your dad
or hurting yourself.This is the key to what you must say to social services.

When you speak to SS you must make it very clear to them how desperate you are. Shouting never does any good I found,but maybe you can sound very very upset?

Sorry to come on so strong, but I really feel for you.

Over Christmas and new year, a lot of services are just not available, so on Monday you really need to get on the phone.

Hopefully your dad isn't violent,but if he should be,you know you can ring an ambulance?

No he isn't violent but I was very forceful in getting him to bed the other night , sheer frustration , poor man
 

Kazza-72

Registered User
Dec 15, 2015
61
Chiswick, London
Don't beat yourself up. Caring for an adult with cognitive issues is one of the hardest jobs in the world, I get really frustrated with my mum too. I totally understand how you are feeling. I have no life because of this caring role


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
Hello Frankie, you have been very brave to admit you cant go on like this. We all have our breaking point. All the advice is good and maybe a couple of days respite forcall of you would be good. Stay firm with social services and get the help you need. You and your mum will still be carers no matter who else is helping. Its a terrible situation. Stay as strong as you can. When i felt i was about to fall in a dark hole i locked myself in the loo and counted slowly to 500 while visualising waves crashing on a beach. So many days i felt i was losing my grip. I understand. I hope this helps. Keep posting as you are not alone.love quilty
 

JackieJames

Registered User
Dec 31, 2014
83
USA
Frankie

I have no doubt that you love your Dad as does your Mum, but there comes a time ...
Please do not beat yourself up about this. You have done the best you can.
If you did not care, you would not be here writing this. If you and Mum lose your health over this, you are of no use to your Dad. Take care.
 
Last edited:

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Thank you very much

Don't beat yourself up. Caring for an adult with cognitive issues is one of the hardest jobs in the world, I get really frustrated with my mum too. I totally understand how you are feeling. I have no life because of this caring role


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Love to you
 

Frankieisblue

Registered User
Dec 19, 2015
58
Thank you very much

Hello Frankie, you have been very brave to admit you cant go on like this. We all have our breaking point. All the advice is good and maybe a couple of days respite forcall of you would be good. Stay firm with social services and get the help you need. You and your mum will still be carers no matter who else is helping. Its a terrible situation. Stay as strong as you can. When i felt i was about to fall in a dark hole i locked myself in the loo and counted slowly to 500 while visualising waves crashing on a beach. So many days i felt i was losing my grip. I understand. I hope this helps. Keep posting as you are not alone.love quilty
Quilty x