I have become more selfish.

[TNJJ]

I haven’t been into dad since last week. To be honest I’m a bit hurt but I will get over it. After the carer arrived and asked “ What are you doing here? “ my back was up.
Apparently other carers are saying that dad does not always know what he is doing. But for her he is fine!
When she walked in his eyes lit up and he was smiling. He asked how she was etc. I felt like the spare wheel. He always puts on his “ good face and behaves accordingly “as he likes her.
As well as being asked what was I doing there I got told that if you get John to straighten his legs and turn himself around he can get up. I was so tempted to say you had better tell that to the two paramedics then who had to haul him off the toilet. She then proceeded to tell me that she had put him on the toilet via the commode. As I had told the care company this when they had phoned me to ask advice she was lucky I didn’t say anything!
Another thing was she doesn’t like the cushion that dad sits on( it is a big long repose that goes over the recliner)as he slips down it. ( I felt like saying go tell it to the OT that supplied it! )
I had bought dad some new clothes as he has very little trousers now and I wanted him to try them on to see if they fit.
Apparently he can wear them when I take him out(that is not going to be anytime soon tbh)
As he has enough clothes according to her.
Dads response was “she works hard”. I informed him so do the other carers..
I don’t enjoy being manipulated and so my relationship has gone back to how it was when I was a child! Non existent!
When I told mum all this she said she was surprised I had lasted 51/2 years as I never had a good relationship with him before.
Im taking her advice and not going at meal times (I never know when they are) and going to see dad 2x a week now. I ‘m done!
Im going to spend more time with mum as she doesn’t have any carers at all. I’m also looking for a job for a few hours a week. I have had enough of it all!

 

[MaNaAk]

I'm not surprised you're angry you need respite so I think you should leave him to to the carers for a couple of weeks. I remember going with dad to the memory clinic for the second time and my youngest brother and his partner had given us a lift there. When they left dad said "they've helped us so much"! I was left very tearful but in the end I was the one he remembered most of all. It is so cruel this illness but of course your remembering the past as well and you are doing an amazing job. Give yourself a break.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[karaokePete]

I don't understand why you say "I have become more selfish".

You dad now has input from a 24hr team and you are going to spend more time with your mum, who is in more need of help.

Cut yourself some slack.

 

[TNJJ]

I don't understand why you say "I have become more selfish".

You dad now has input from a 24hr team and you are going to spend more time with your mum, who is in more need of help.

Cut yourself some slack.

Hi. He is still living at home?

 

[Grannie G]

Selfish is the last word I would apply to you @TNJJ.

Try to take what the carer says with a pinch of salt. Some people become quite possessive and territorial about those they are caring for and think no one can do any better. I know it`s a bit of an ego trip and not too healthy on their part, but as long as they are caring well for your dad, it might take some of the pressure off you.

I was pleased when my husband always greeted me with a beaming smile when I visited, especially as he was so challenging when he was at home with me.
I soon realised he greeted all the carers with the same beaming smile and it pleased me to think he liked them all, which meant he was getting good care.

 

[TNJJ]

Selfish is the last word I would apply to you @TNJJ.

Try to take what the carer says with a pinch of salt. Some people become quite possessive and territorial about those they are caring for and think no one can do any better. I know it`s a bit of an ego trip and not too healthy on their part, but as long as they are caring well for your dad, it might take some of the pressure off you.

I was pleased when my husband always greeted me with a beaming smile when I visited, especially as he was so challenging when he was at home with me.
I soon realised he greeted all the carers with the same beaming smile and it pleased me to think he liked them all, which meant he was getting good care.

Thank you. I will try and keep that in mind.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @TNJJ,

Yes you are certainly not selfish you are very caring and loving. When you give yourself a break please make sure you treat yourself.

MaNaAk

 

[jennifer1967]

i would have a quiet word with the carer. that seems to me rude. im sorry she has made you feel like that and its not fair for her to treat you as a spare part. a thankyou would have been better. how can you call yourself selfish when you have been caring for both parents in different places. people need to appreciate you are family and you have just as an important role if not more than the carer

 

[Banjomansmate]

I think I would have said “I’m his daughter, why shouldn’t I be here?”.

 

[MaNaAk]

i would have a quiet word with the carer. that seems to me rude. im sorry she has made you feel like that and its not fair for her to treat you as a spare part. a thankyou would have been better. how can you call yourself selfish when you have been caring for both parents in different places. people need to appreciate you are family and you have just as an important role if not more than the carer

I didn't like to say this but if that carer asks the same thing again I would do as @Banjomansmate says?

MaNaAk

 

[TNJJ]

I think I was a bit gobsmacked to be honest.

 

[TNJJ]

Update. I went to dads yesterday. In between meal times.Dad’s favourite carer was there again giving him lunch. Then proceeded to tell me that dad had sat on the toilet (I had taken the toilet raised seat away as this was difficult to get him off when he collapsed) so he is actually sat on a toilet seat with no rails etc. But he is strong now. I reminded her that if he collapsed it will be her responsibility! Dad was doing his usual smiling ?. He wanted his nails cut so I gave him the clippers and suggested that as he is now better he could do it himself. I will be there next week.We have the G7 down here at the moment. I will still pop in but I’m not doing lunch or tea or any care. I cannot be bothered anymore. I’m not going to be playing these games..

 

[jennifer1967]

Update. I went to dads yesterday. In between meal times.Dad’s favourite carer was there again giving him lunch. Then proceeded to tell me that dad had sat on the toilet (I had taken the toilet raised seat away as this was difficult to get him off when he collapsed) so he is actually sat on a toilet seat with no rails etc. But he is strong now. I reminded her that if he collapsed it will be her responsibility! Dad was doing his usual smiling ?. He wanted his nails cut so I gave him the clippers and suggested that as he is now better he could do it himself. I will be there next week.We have the G7 down here at the moment. I will still pop in but I’m not doing lunch or tea or any care. I cannot be bothered anymore. I’m not going to be playing these games..

good for you! obviously the carer has it all under control and has worked miracles.

 

[TNJJ]

good for you! obviously the carer has it all under control and has worked miracles.

That’s what I thought.!

 

[Phil2020]

Nothing selfish in thinking of yourself.

 

[imthedaughter]

Update. I went to dads yesterday. In between meal times.Dad’s favourite carer was there again giving him lunch. Then proceeded to tell me that dad had sat on the toilet (I had taken the toilet raised seat away as this was difficult to get him off when he collapsed) so he is actually sat on a toilet seat with no rails etc. But he is strong now. I reminded her that if he collapsed it will be her responsibility! Dad was doing his usual smiling ?. He wanted his nails cut so I gave him the clippers and suggested that as he is now better he could do it himself. I will be there next week.We have the G7 down here at the moment. I will still pop in but I’m not doing lunch or tea or any care. I cannot be bothered anymore. I’m not going to be playing these games..

I don't know what the council was thinking applying to host the G7. I have been to Carbis Bay and it's stunning, but really quite small! I stayed at the vegetarian B&B there and had some meals there too, very nice.Obviously Dad's carer is very pleased with herself. You've been marvellous, Dad would never have made it through without you.

 

[TNJJ]

I don't know what the council was thinking applying to host the G7. I have been to Carbis Bay and it's stunning, but really quite small! I stayed at the vegetarian B&B there and had some meals there too, very nice.Obviously Dad's carer is very pleased with herself. You've been marvellous, Dad would never have made it through without you.

Thank you. I have been offered a couple of jobs so it will be interesting if I get them.

 

[jennifer1967]

Thank you. I have been offered a couple of jobs so it will be interesting if I get them.

good luck that you get the jobs and can choose

 

[Starting on a journey]

@TNJJ ....jobs? ....good luck and hopefully you will get one and it will be great!!

 

[MaNaAk]

Thank you. I have been offered a couple of jobs so it will be interesting if I get them.

Good luck @TNJJ and I agree with @jennifer1967 you need a break from caring for your dad. @jennifer1967 also needs a break.

MaNaAk