I have a new life......and no regrets.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by suem, Sep 8, 2007.

  1. suem

    suem Registered User

    Jul 1, 2005
    Having battled with emotions as whether to put my husband in care, coupled with the hostility and arguments with my stepsons, my husband is now in care.

    At present he is on long term respite in a room that is vacant for full time residency while SS sort out things but he will not be coming home.

    This has been an horrendous journey that made me almost suicidal. Had it not been for the tremendous help from my social worker and GP, I doubt I would have made it. One never knows when it is the right time to admit defeat and I think this is all the harder when it is a spouse and you reflect on how they were.

    My life has completely changed. Yes it is strange to be on your own and I have returned to full time work. But I am a changed person, more relaxed , not stressed and I feel I am in control of my life. People have said they can see the change even though I've had to adapt to work after a 4 year break.

    I knew that I'd made the right decision when he came home for the weekend. I was totally stressed and worn out. I'd drunk a bottle of wine within a couple of hours and was feeling really frazzled. Any doubts that I'd had before that were confirmed that weekend and I knew I'd made the right decision.
    Although we have had some issues to deal with. He called the police at 3.30am from the NH to report a burglary in our house, so I was woken by the police investigating. Consequently I have had the phone in his room disconnected and if he wants to ring anyone the staff have to do it.

    My stepsons who many of you know have been the bain of my life and did not want their father going into care. They thought it was my duty to look after him, although they would not offer support, have only visited once in five weeks. This only go's to endorse that their only motive in all this was to get their hands on the house by trying to turf me out. They now realise that what ever they do they have no entailment to the house and thus have probably no interest in their father.

    To those of you that care no matter what, I admire you but I just couldn't do it anymore. My health and well being have proved that.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    All the best Sue.

    I`m glad it`s all worked out for you, and you have been able to pick up the pieces and reclaim a life for yourself. You were obviously at the end of your tether.

    Take care

    Love xx
  3. Linda Mc

    Linda Mc Registered User

    Jul 3, 2005
    Nr Mold
    Hi Suem

    I have not been in your position but I really believe you should do what is right for you and you have done that.

    I admire you for going back to work and am glad you are feeling the benefit. I hope you go on from strength to strength!

    Take care and keep posting.

    Linda x
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Dear suem

    I well rememeber your posts from before about your stepsons "meddling" (which is probably an overly polite way to put it). I know this has been a very difficult path for you to travel, but I am very pleased that your life is now on an even keel.

    I also very much admire those people who care to the bitter end, and I think it is particularly difficult for spouses to say "enough is enough". You did what you could do until you could do no more. There is no shame (although there may be guilt) in reaching that point: I see no virtue in letting this disease destroy two lives instead of just one. That's not to say that all those who continue to care have their life destroyed, but for some that's what it comes down to.

  5. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Sue, you did all you could and more. You have a total right to a life of your own now - enjoy!
  6. germain

    germain Registered User

    Jul 7, 2007
    I feel for you - its a real "b" of a decision to have to make -especially without any family support - BUT at least you will now be fit enough and hopefully strong enough to visit and you will still be caring for him just as much - only in a different way. You had his best interests at heart - what would have been the gain if you had broken down ?
    Thinking of you
  7. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    I truly appreciate your post - I know I may be in the same position myself in the future. Your husband is in care - good for you - and I hope he is being well looked after and you feel you can 'care' for him in a different way. I can well imagine it has been a horrendous journey, but thankfully you are out of that now.

    As for family - enough said!!!!!!!

    Good luck to you and very best wishes Jan
  8. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    however hard the decision was I too know that you were totally right

    Quite how anyone on this forum copes full time with a Dementia patient i really do not know

    The times with my Mother were totally and utterly exhausting and if it had been any more than hours i would have been suicidal

    Even before the dementia was truly apparent even phone calls were totally draining
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Sue, you have my support too.

    Good luck with your new life,

  10. mocha

    mocha Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Lancs, England

    Dear Sue,
    I am so glad that you now feel happy with your decision. I had the same thing in November last year.
    The guilt was the biggest factor with me but because I had my family behind me and I think it was them that could see how very stressed I was and encouraged me to hold my hands up and say I couldn't manage.
    I'm also lucky that Ron has settled so well in the NH. and I know he is well looked after and above all safe. I'm too old to go back to work but my days seem to be full enough as I visit every other day and give him his evening meal in his room along with my friend and her husband. We have quite a party with plenty of laughs. Things go easier as the months pass.

    Enjoy your future

  11. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    No way should you see this as 'admitting defeat' - instead you have shown there is a time for acceptance .....

    Well done you!

    Much love and best wishes, Karen, x
  12. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    A difficult decision had to be made.take care and enjoy your freetime.You deserve it.elainex
  13. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    To Sue

    Sue, you sound relieved, yet a bit feeling that you shouldn't be relieved. I haven't ready any previous mails, so I don't know your situation at all, but all I can say is that you have made a decision, it is obviously the right one for you, you have a right to life as well as your husband, and the stepsons don't seem to have considered that. A family is a family. It includes husband, wife, children, grandchildren (perhaps a bit remote), and parents if they are living. Any care plan has to involve them all, no one person is responsible for it all, i.e. you. It sounds to me as though it has all been down to you. Alone. That is tough on anybody.

    Yes there are some people on this website and throughout the country who look after their terribly difficult relatives almost willingly and gladly. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't be the right person to do it. My relatives wouldn't want me to. My mother has Alzheimers and has recently gone into a home. I didn't even contemplate her living with me, and she wouldn't have wanted me to. It is different I suppose with a husband, but no, you both have a right to life, you have to do what is best for you BOTH. And that includes you.

    Good luck in your choice. Never mind the stepsons unless they are prepared to do their share. Which you have probably been doing on your own for some time anyway.

    Much love

  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Aileen

    That is one of the most encouraging statements I have read in a long time. Long may you continue to have plenty of laughs when you visit Ron. Laughter is the biggest tonic, and with dementia, there`s so little to laugh about.

    Love xx
  15. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Here's to reclaiming life

    Obviously, you have made the right decision for you, in the face of all the troubles you had. I'm glad for you. It is an enormously difficult decision to put a spouse in care but you have made the decision which is right for both of you.

  16. suem

    suem Registered User

    Jul 1, 2005
    Thank you for your messages.......I could not have got through it without all the support and advice I had on TP.

    Jenniferpa...so eloquently sums it up.

    Hopefully now I can move on.

  17. merlin

    merlin Registered User

    Aug 2, 2006

    If it is any consolation and you get around to reading this post I think you did the right thing.

    I posted a recent dilemma as to whether or not to bring my wife home from the home and had horrendous guilt feelings every time I left to go home. I am slowly getting around to accepting that she will have to stay at the home. the thing that has tipped the balance in favour of that decision is that I would have no help from my siblings( one works and lives in the States and the other is in Cambridge). This of course means there is no fall back position in an emergency. Home help is no substitute for instantly available nursing care.

    Hope things go well

  18. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Sue, I am sure you have made the right decision for you, given all the circumstances.

    I wish you every success for the future with your job, and hope that you will occasionally keep in touch. You have not in any way abandoned your caring role, it now just has a different dimension.
  19. strawberrywhip

    strawberrywhip Registered User

    Jun 26, 2006
    Sue dellighted to hear you have got through that dreadful time and have come out of the other side. My MIL went into a home 7 weeks ago, and we haven`t looked back..Best thing ever ..she is settling a few tears when we arrive and go ..but hapy well cared for ..we have our lives back, and take her out for days now and then.
    As you say, when the burden lifts it is a huge relief and you realise just how stressed you have been 24/7 and life begins again. We have a much better relationship with her again now..we are good cops whereas we were becoming the enemy ..and it is great to enjoy her company again regardless of how confused she is!
    Enjoy the rest of your life ..you will have more to give to your other half when you go and visit ..but llike grandchildren..you can hand the nitty gritty 24/7 care over ..and why not I say!

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