I have a new life......and no regrets.

suem

Registered User
Jul 1, 2005
61
Worcestershire
Having battled with emotions as whether to put my husband in care, coupled with the hostility and arguments with my stepsons, my husband is now in care.

At present he is on long term respite in a room that is vacant for full time residency while SS sort out things but he will not be coming home.

This has been an horrendous journey that made me almost suicidal. Had it not been for the tremendous help from my social worker and GP, I doubt I would have made it. One never knows when it is the right time to admit defeat and I think this is all the harder when it is a spouse and you reflect on how they were.

My life has completely changed. Yes it is strange to be on your own and I have returned to full time work. But I am a changed person, more relaxed , not stressed and I feel I am in control of my life. People have said they can see the change even though I've had to adapt to work after a 4 year break.

I knew that I'd made the right decision when he came home for the weekend. I was totally stressed and worn out. I'd drunk a bottle of wine within a couple of hours and was feeling really frazzled. Any doubts that I'd had before that were confirmed that weekend and I knew I'd made the right decision.
Although we have had some issues to deal with. He called the police at 3.30am from the NH to report a burglary in our house, so I was woken by the police investigating. Consequently I have had the phone in his room disconnected and if he wants to ring anyone the staff have to do it.

My stepsons who many of you know have been the bain of my life and did not want their father going into care. They thought it was my duty to look after him, although they would not offer support, have only visited once in five weeks. This only go's to endorse that their only motive in all this was to get their hands on the house by trying to turf me out. They now realise that what ever they do they have no entailment to the house and thus have probably no interest in their father.

To those of you that care no matter what, I admire you but I just couldn't do it anymore. My health and well being have proved that.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,389
Kent
All the best Sue.

I`m glad it`s all worked out for you, and you have been able to pick up the pieces and reclaim a life for yourself. You were obviously at the end of your tether.

Take care

Love xx
 

Linda Mc

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
1,881
Nr Mold
Hi Suem

I have not been in your position but I really believe you should do what is right for you and you have done that.

I admire you for going back to work and am glad you are feeling the benefit. I hope you go on from strength to strength!

Take care and keep posting.

Linda x
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Dear suem

I well rememeber your posts from before about your stepsons "meddling" (which is probably an overly polite way to put it). I know this has been a very difficult path for you to travel, but I am very pleased that your life is now on an even keel.

I also very much admire those people who care to the bitter end, and I think it is particularly difficult for spouses to say "enough is enough". You did what you could do until you could do no more. There is no shame (although there may be guilt) in reaching that point: I see no virtue in letting this disease destroy two lives instead of just one. That's not to say that all those who continue to care have their life destroyed, but for some that's what it comes down to.

Love
 

germain

Registered User
Jul 7, 2007
342
Sue
I feel for you - its a real "b" of a decision to have to make -especially without any family support - BUT at least you will now be fit enough and hopefully strong enough to visit and you will still be caring for him just as much - only in a different way. You had his best interests at heart - what would have been the gain if you had broken down ?
Thinking of you
Germain
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
I truly appreciate your post - I know I may be in the same position myself in the future. Your husband is in care - good for you - and I hope he is being well looked after and you feel you can 'care' for him in a different way. I can well imagine it has been a horrendous journey, but thankfully you are out of that now.

As for family - enough said!!!!!!!

Good luck to you and very best wishes Jan
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Suem

however hard the decision was I too know that you were totally right

Quite how anyone on this forum copes full time with a Dementia patient i really do not know

The times with my Mother were totally and utterly exhausting and if it had been any more than hours i would have been suicidal

Even before the dementia was truly apparent even phone calls were totally draining
 

mocha

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
176
85
Lancs, England
Support

Dear Sue,
I am so glad that you now feel happy with your decision. I had the same thing in November last year.
The guilt was the biggest factor with me but because I had my family behind me and I think it was them that could see how very stressed I was and encouraged me to hold my hands up and say I couldn't manage.
I'm also lucky that Ron has settled so well in the NH. and I know he is well looked after and above all safe. I'm too old to go back to work but my days seem to be full enough as I visit every other day and give him his evening meal in his room along with my friend and her husband. We have quite a party with plenty of laughs. Things go easier as the months pass.

Enjoy your future

Aileen
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
No way should you see this as 'admitting defeat' - instead you have shown there is a time for acceptance .....

Well done you!

Much love and best wishes, Karen, x
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,725
North Derbyshire
To Sue

suem said:
Having battled with emotions as whether to put my husband in care, coupled with the hostility and arguments with my stepsons, my husband is now in care.

At present he is on long term respite in a room that is vacant for full time residency while SS sort out things but he will not be coming home.

This has been an horrendous journey that made me almost suicidal. Had it not been for the tremendous help from my social worker and GP, I doubt I would have made it. One never knows when it is the right time to admit defeat and I think this is all the harder when it is a spouse and you reflect on how they were.

My life has completely changed. Yes it is strange to be on your own and I have returned to full time work. But I am a changed person, more relaxed , not stressed and I feel I am in control of my life. People have said they can see the change even though I've had to adapt to work after a 4 year break.

I knew that I'd made the right decision when he came home for the weekend. I was totally stressed and worn out. I'd drunk a bottle of wine within a couple of hours and was feeling really frazzled. Any doubts that I'd had before that were confirmed that weekend and I knew I'd made the right decision.
Although we have had some issues to deal with. He called the police at 3.30am from the NH to report a burglary in our house, so I was woken by the police investigating. Consequently I have had the phone in his room disconnected and if he wants to ring anyone the staff have to do it.

My stepsons who many of you know have been the bain of my life and did not want their father going into care. They thought it was my duty to look after him, although they would not offer support, have only visited once in five weeks. This only go's to endorse that their only motive in all this was to get their hands on the house by trying to turf me out. They now realise that what ever they do they have no entailment to the house and thus have probably no interest in their father.

To those of you that care no matter what, I admire you but I just couldn't do it anymore. My health and well being have proved that.
Sue, you sound relieved, yet a bit feeling that you shouldn't be relieved. I haven't ready any previous mails, so I don't know your situation at all, but all I can say is that you have made a decision, it is obviously the right one for you, you have a right to life as well as your husband, and the stepsons don't seem to have considered that. A family is a family. It includes husband, wife, children, grandchildren (perhaps a bit remote), and parents if they are living. Any care plan has to involve them all, no one person is responsible for it all, i.e. you. It sounds to me as though it has all been down to you. Alone. That is tough on anybody.

Yes there are some people on this website and throughout the country who look after their terribly difficult relatives almost willingly and gladly. I couldn't do that. I wouldn't be the right person to do it. My relatives wouldn't want me to. My mother has Alzheimers and has recently gone into a home. I didn't even contemplate her living with me, and she wouldn't have wanted me to. It is different I suppose with a husband, but no, you both have a right to life, you have to do what is best for you BOTH. And that includes you.

Good luck in your choice. Never mind the stepsons unless they are prepared to do their share. Which you have probably been doing on your own for some time anyway.

Much love

Margaret
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,389
Kent
mocha said:
give him his evening meal in his room along with my friend and her husband. We have quite a party with plenty of laughs. Things go easier as the months pass.Enjoy your future

Aileen
Dear Aileen

That is one of the most encouraging statements I have read in a long time. Long may you continue to have plenty of laughs when you visit Ron. Laughter is the biggest tonic, and with dementia, there`s so little to laugh about.

Love xx
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,243
65
Toronto, Canada
Here's to reclaiming life

Sue,
Obviously, you have made the right decision for you, in the face of all the troubles you had. I'm glad for you. It is an enormously difficult decision to put a spouse in care but you have made the decision which is right for both of you.

Love
 

suem

Registered User
Jul 1, 2005
61
Worcestershire
Thank you for your messages.......I could not have got through it without all the support and advice I had on TP.

Jenniferpa...so eloquently sums it up.

Hopefully now I can move on.

Thanks
 

merlin

Registered User
Aug 2, 2006
139
Surrey
Suem

If it is any consolation and you get around to reading this post I think you did the right thing.

I posted a recent dilemma as to whether or not to bring my wife home from the home and had horrendous guilt feelings every time I left to go home. I am slowly getting around to accepting that she will have to stay at the home. the thing that has tipped the balance in favour of that decision is that I would have no help from my siblings( one works and lives in the States and the other is in Cambridge). This of course means there is no fall back position in an emergency. Home help is no substitute for instantly available nursing care.

Hope things go well

merlin
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
Frinton-on-Sea
Sue, I am sure you have made the right decision for you, given all the circumstances.

I wish you every success for the future with your job, and hope that you will occasionally keep in touch. You have not in any way abandoned your caring role, it now just has a different dimension.
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
kent
Sue dellighted to hear you have got through that dreadful time and have come out of the other side. My MIL went into a home 7 weeks ago, and we haven`t looked back..Best thing ever ..she is settling a few tears when we arrive and go ..but hapy well cared for ..we have our lives back, and take her out for days now and then.
As you say, when the burden lifts it is a huge relief and you realise just how stressed you have been 24/7 and life begins again. We have a much better relationship with her again now..we are good cops whereas we were becoming the enemy ..and it is great to enjoy her company again regardless of how confused she is!
Enjoy the rest of your life ..you will have more to give to your other half when you go and visit ..but llike grandchildren..you can hand the nitty gritty 24/7 care over ..and why not I say!