"I hate you"

[patsy56]

Last August my sister and I moved mother into a home near me as she kept falling, was forgetting to eat, ended up with UTI's, incontinent. She has been going down hill but last monday I went to see her (go Mons and Frids). and she was still in bed, very confused. We know she is not a morning person but still. Anyway she hadn't had breakfast and so told staff she could have had breakfast in bed they agreed. But then she wet herself. As one of the carers was washing I went to get her something to put on. What I got for her was a little tight round the arms or it was twisted, but as I helped to take the jumper off she cried in pain and said "I hate you" not once but 3 times. And then said "take that thing away I never want to see it again".
Now I have read that people with dementia can be nasty but it was still a shock.

 

[Ottillie]

Last August my sister and I moved mother into a home near me as she kept falling, was forgetting to eat, ended up with UTI's, incontinent. She has been going down hill but last monday I went to see her (go Mons and Frids). and she was still in bed, very confused. We know she is not a morning person but still. Anyway she hadn't had breakfast and so told staff she could have had breakfast in bed they agreed. But then she wet herself. As one of the carers was washing I went to get her something to put on. What I got for her was a little tight round the arms or it was twisted, but as I helped to take the jumper off she cried in pain and said "I hate you" not once but 3 times. And then said "take that thing away I never want to see it again".
Now I have read that people with dementia can be nasty but it was still a shock.

It really hurts doesn't it? I've left in tears many times, sat smarting in the car and then been haunted by the comment all night and next day. I think that at that moment, they do hate us, in the sense that we're bothering them and hassling them, even though we know we are trying to help. Somedays we can take it some days we can't, hang in there.

 

[patsy56]

Thank you Ottie, but I feel that the past few visits she doesn't really know who I am. This week just been bad , what with flying ant infestation and B's DN and speech therapist, and today there was a pool of water under the car, the garage said "Air conditioning unit, condensation".

 

[Marcelle123]

When Mum was in hospital a couple of weeks ago, she got into an uncharacteristically nasty mood and was obviously deluded. She kept telling us off for not helping an old man who had fallen to the ground - he didn't exist - and asking us why we didn't do what it said in the bible. Eventually she kept telling me to 'buzz off', and started preaching to the rest of the ward. It was hurtful and very embarrassing.

And once, when she was at home & my husband had made her some lunch, she got angry when I said she shouldn't snip away at her hair but come & eat lunch while it was hot. She told my husband, 'If I'd known what a nasty girl she would turn out to be, I would have refused to give birth to her.'
Ouch!

But this afternoon, in her care home, all is sweetness and light.

Don't take it to heart, if you can help it. Your Mum didn't mean it because she isn't capable of judging situations properly now. Hopefully she will be more pleased to see you on future visits.
But I know how much it must hurt you.
Very best wishes that things soon get a bit better.

 

[patsy56]

Thank you Marcelle123

 

[Batsue]

I am afraid that I have lost count of how many times my mum has told me that she dislikes me and that I am not a nice daughter. Today she stuck her middle finger up at me because I asked her to leave the kitchen door open!

 

[Selinacroft]

Patsy- sending hugs of empathy- Dad also said terrible things to me for putting him in respite- wish I was dead and would stop pestering him . You really do need to detach yourself and see this as a symptom of the illness and not mum talking ot you.
They do lash out verbally at those nearest and dearest to them so, however hard, try to keep the comments in your head in the dementia box and not regard them as what your mum really thinks of you. Think of it as her declining brain misfiring and sending out the wrong SOS signals.

 

[Babymare01]

Hello Patsy - as others have said try not to take this all to heart. It is not your mother but this awful illness.
My mother called me some awful names and actually punched me/pulled my hair etc. At the time I, like you, found it all so hard to cope with. I was so so close to my lovely mum. But I was told they do hit out at those closet to them.

Now? My mum has moved along this journey and rarely opens her eyes and never speaks. I look back at those time with a kind of fondnest which is probably the wrong word . That was a time when my mum had fight. She had mobility and reaction. The time I had to sprawl across her to stop her strangling a doctor with his stephascope and the doctor saying " well I didn't see that coming from such a frail lady" actually makes me smile.

So please do not take it to heart. as said it is not your mother.

Big hugs xxx

 

[Babymare01]

Patsy- sending hugs of empathy- Dad also said terrible things to me for putting him in respite- wish I was dead and would stop pestering him . You really do need to detach yourself and see this as a symptom of the illness and not mum talking ot you.
They do lash out verbally at those nearest and dearest to them so, however hard, try to keep the comments in your head in the dementia box and not regard them as what your mum really thinks of you. Think of it as her declining brain misfiring and sending out the wrong SOS signals.

What a good way of looking at it - "dementia box" and the "brain misfiring"

 

[wazza]

I hate you

Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. It's very hard to bear, when your nearest and dearest throws that at you. Myself and my siblings are in the same position, trying to support our mother, who has turned against those who love her. Stealing her money, hiding things, trying to poison her, etc. etc. Upshot was, after she became shaky and sick, not eating properly for months, sis had no option but to call NHS Direct, and after a few horrendous days in hospital, she is now in respite care, in an open-ended arrangement, until she's assessed and we can catch our breath. And now, when we visit, each one in turn is blamed for putting her here, she would rather kill herself, it's everyone else's fault. Am I a bad person for being relieved that, at least while she's there, we need not worry where she is, whether she's eaten, whether she has company, and glad she has 24 hour care, which her 5 children, with the best will in the world, cannot provide?

 

[JaquelineM]

Yes, I totally understand where you're coming from. It's very hard to bear, when your nearest and dearest throws that at you. Myself and my siblings are in the same position, trying to support our mother, who has turned against those who love her. Stealing her money, hiding things, trying to poison her, etc. etc. Upshot was, after she became shaky and sick, not eating properly for months, sis had no option but to call NHS Direct, and after a few horrendous days in hospital, she is now in respite care, in an open-ended arrangement, until she's assessed and we can catch our breath. And now, when we visit, each one in turn is blamed for putting her here, she would rather kill herself, it's everyone else's fault. Am I a bad person for being relieved that, at least while she's there, we need not worry where she is, whether she's eaten, whether she has company, and glad she has 24 hour care, which her 5 children, with the best will in the world, cannot provide?

Hello Wazza , you are not a bad person for feeling as you do , or if you are, you are definitely not the only one ! It is extremely hard to be the constant recipient of verbal abuse and unpleasantness , however much we understand that it is the effect of the disease , so enjoy your break from the stress of it all , and I hope the eventual outcome will be as satisfactory for you all as anything can be in these awful circumstances , hugs

 

[Rageddy Anne]

In that moment of frustration and discomfort with her clothing, she would have shouted the same thing whoever it had been, you, or a carer...it was the discomfort that distressed her, and you just happened to be in the firing line...

I would get rid of any clothing that's a bit tight fitting, and replace with larger sizes, because dressing becomes more and more difficult.

Do try not to take it personally....I know it's hard, but she doesn't mean it ........She's just trying to cope with her challenges.

 

[wazza]

Jacqueline M

Hello Wazza , you are not a bad person for feeling as you do , or if you are, you are definitely not the only one ! It is extremely hard to be the constant recipient of verbal abuse and unpleasantness , however much we understand that it is the effect of the disease , so enjoy your break from the stress of it all , and I hope the eventual outcome will be as satisfactory for you all as anything can be in these awful circumstances , hugs

Thank you so much for your reply. It's tough, isn't it...I knew we couldn't cope with mum at home for much longer, and I thought the solution might be found in a care home. Very difficult just now, she keeps putting all her belongings in the laundry basket, ready to go home. Expects everyone in the family has a plan to help her escape..(now the plan includes several other residents, so she must be paying some attention to others) I wondered if I should plan an escape committee??....Meeting with CPN, social worker, member of staff, CH manager and at least 2 of the family end of this week...whatever is decided, I understand it goes to a panel for their decision. What a horrible situation for al of us to be involved in, especially our mum.....I know for a fact she would be out of her front door and away, if she was allowed to go home. What a nightmare.

 

[wazza]

Normaelila

If you were a bad person, you wouldn't be there to hear this.

Thank you, what you said has helped. The decision to put mum into care was out of our hands anyway, she was transferred from hospital and family told after it had happened.

 

[gm1632]

I am afraid that I have lost count of how many times my mum has told me that she dislikes me and that I am not a nice daughter. Today she stuck her middle finger up at me because I asked her to leave the kitchen door open!

Hi, I'm new here. I know this reply is like 3 years late, but OMG, YES. My mum has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia, though we (family) have noticed certain symptoms for about 2.5 years now. Anyway, the other day her leg was really hurting her and I offered her some paracetamol and she looked at me like I'd personally stabbed her in the leg! She can be really nasty sometimes, but then all sweetness and light later on and I know it's not her, it's the dementia, but it's so frustrating. And it's extra hard because if a person without dementia is rude to you, you can be rude back, but you can't do that with someone with dementia....

 

[nae sporran]

Hullo and welcome to the forums, @gm1632. How frustrating and so hard for you and for your mum, but you are among friends here who understand that someone with dementia will forget what they said long before you do.

 

[gm1632]

Hullo and welcome to the forums, @gm1632. How frustrating and so hard for you and for your mum, but you are among friends here who understand that someone with dementia will forget what they said long before you do.

Thank you for the welcome. It feels quite validating reading some of these threads, and knowing I am not alone. Yes, usually she will forget by the next day or even in a few hours. I'm trying to learn to let go too.

 

[Petunia59]

This is something that's very hard to deal with especially when you've had a stressful day. My Mum's starting to do this a little. I sometimes hear her cursing under her breath when I've asked her to do something. I have lost my cool a couple of times. I think she gets fed up with my "nagging"! But when it's time for me to go, it's all sweetness and light and she askes when she will see me again!