I hate Vascular Dementia


Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
Dear all

Haven't posted much about mum of late. Have been plodding on, like the rest of you. There is a noticeable deterioration in her condition now and even though she puts a brave face on it all, it's heartbreaking so see her like this. Her clothes hang off her (she weighs just over six stone). I've had her to the doc, several times and we've tried different approaches but to no avail. Sometimes she seems to have an incredible insight into her condition; this recent conversation is typical: Mum: "Since I've had that stroke, I'm more forgetful than ever and I just don't seem to have the interest in things, I don't want to do anything, I'm much better when people are around." Later, when watching Corry, a scene with the dreary Gail in the wheelchair describing her temporary memory loss as like trying to reach through a fog and not quite getting what you were after. Me: "Is that what it's like for you mum, with your memory problem." Mum: "No, it's not. I don't have a problem, it's everyone else that has the problem. If you stopped going on at me all the time, I'd be alright. I'm perfectly fine." The latter said at an ever increasing volume. This from a woman who is capable of forgetting in the space of sixty seconds conversations, TV, anything.

I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

Where has she gone, the mum that I loved - and who is this fickle thing before me - who is convinced that all is well when the walls are crumbling around her?

And what a toil it is, to sit and take it, to run ragged and get no acknowledgement of thanks because of an absolute conviction on her part that it is she who does everything.

Moan over! Much gnashing of teeth from me but thanks to TP my spleen is now vented and guilt monster is off my back!! Thanks for listening all - know you understand exactly what it's like.

Have just realised I've posted this in the "Younger People with Dementia" inst. of main forum. Oops.

Last edited:


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Have just realised I've posted this in the "Younger People with Dementia" inst. of main forum. Oops.
No problem Lucille, have moved it for you.

What is there to love about any form of dementia? Certainly not much.

Makes you treasure every little 'warm' moment. Sudden lucidity, a real smile, a thoughtful gesture makes a poignant memory. Would like to think it has made me a more tolerant, compasionate person.

Sorry to read about the deterioriation in mum. Please visit more often, if only to vent your feelings here and gain some empathy. Take care now.


Registered User
Mar 19, 2008
west sussex
Vascular Dementia

Hi Lucille
I can appreciate exactly what you are going through. It sounds very similar. My mother cannot accept there is anything wrong with her - it's everyone else who has the problem. At the moment she is in hospital but I think she will be home before long and it will be back to the daily grind. Does the early stage of dementia go on forever? It seems to.
I suppose we just have to hang on in there as Connie says and relish every spark of their old self. As for hating vascular dementia - I loathe everything it is taking away from me.
Chins (Yours and Mine) Up


Registered User
Jan 15, 2008
Hi Lucille

I hate Vascular Dementia as well. My Mum was diagnosed officially with it last August and has had a slow decline. And yes, everything is fine, no problems and she doesn't need any help. Yeah, right.

Have a look at my previous thread called "I shouted at my Mum today"(from about 10 days ago, I think) to gain some useful insight as to how others feel about their parents who are declining with dementia. You may be surprised by how candid everyone is, not least in some very frank confessions about how we feel about people that we didn't love very much in the first place.

I'm sorry to hear that your Mum is like this. If it's any comfort (and God knows it isn't) there are many stories on here which reflect a similar story about the being in denial bit and other aspects of VAD. It's hideous, isn't it?

My best wishes to you - I hope you are OK.



Registered User
Feb 17, 2008
this sounds very similar. My stepmum cannot accept there is anything wrong with her - it's dad who has the problem, she does all the work cooking cleaning etc. its my dad that does nothing at all only gets on at her. When I left today dad gave me a look as to say do you have to go, wish I could have stopped but I have a 7yr old to think about, stepmum was in a terrible mood. lets all hope one day there might be a cure.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
, I'm more forgetful than ever and I just don't seem to have the interest in things, I don't want to do anything................. Me: "Is that what it's like for you mum, with your memory problem." Mum: "No, it's not. I don't have a problem, it's everyone else that has the problem. If you stopped going on at me all the time, I'd be alright. I'm perfectly fine."
This is just how Dhiren behaves, so unpredictable, such different attitudes, literally within minutes. It`s so hard to read, so difficult to have a natural genuine conversation, without treading on eggshells.

He hasn`t been diagnosed with vascular dementia but it is thought possible as a result of poor circulaation due to diabetes.

Oh yes Lucille, there are many of us who understand exactly what it`s like.

Love xx


Registered User
May 16, 2007
Hi Lucille,
I feel like you've just read my mind and written every thought I had down!! Vascular dementia sucks! The sufferer is aware things aren't right and , with my mum anyway, she trys to bluff and cover herself, my aunt who's a pyschiatric nurse calls it confabulating!!
Everything you describe, we are dealing with too, it's a living nightmare - how can you love your parent (or whoever) when they behave so badly/rudely/angrily/fill in the bad blank!!!
Where do they dissappear to? and then dealing with missing them so much! It's an impossible situation and yet we're all in it!
I keep telling myself that this is no-ones fault, and definitely not my poor mums. But guilt and anger and impatience and grief are hard to keep at bay!

keep posting!
ann x


Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
Hello all - Thanks Connie for moving the thread here.

Thanks so much for your replies. I know I'm not the only one in this boat ... SusanB, I'll have a look at the thread you mention. Mum has had VaD for over three years now and still lives at home. I suppose, on the good side, she's still in her own place with her own things and still knows me. On the bad side, it is the absolute unpredictability of her personality that catches me unawares. I'll never get used to it. Of course, whenever I suggest she do anything, she says she's too busy doing other things. When asked what they are ... well, you've guessed it, she can't remember - and STOP going on because there's nothing wrong. As SusanB said, "yeah, right." Mollieblue - you've also hit the nail on the head about missing them. I was (am?) always very close to my mum, but this illness is definitely coming between us - although I think I am becoming a little more tolerant - sometimes:D

Thanks all; no doubt we'll 'speak' again soon.



Registered User
Dec 10, 2006
Ilford, Essex
Hi everyone,
Yes you have decribed my mum also. The thing I really can't stand at the moment is the sarcasm she uses - "ooooh, do you think I'm some little old lady who can't do anything for herself"
(as she is bent over and pulling a ridiculous face). Er, actually yes mum. Oh it is just driving me so mad and I am getting to the stage where I really don't want to see her. She lives on her own and I go to see her every day and do EVERYTHING for her. It is very hard to keep it up when there is no acknowledgment let alone gratitude!!
Sharon x


Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
Hi Sharon

Yes, agree! Mum was just complaining about how bored she was. I diplomatically suggested she try a bit of cleaning and/or ironing. No chance, absolutely no chance. "Why would I want to do that?" Why indeed, when I'm here ...

Keep the faith!


Registered User
Apr 7, 2008
Lancashire England
Hello again all !!

Well we're all in the same boat alright, the problem is - who's doing the rowing??? I sometimes think it's our relatives that have got it right. We're all pulling our hair out and they don't even seem to notice? Where's the justice? Mum's was on the phone crying yesterday as she was on her own and none of the neighbours were around (don't know how she can see through their walls). I asked if she wanted me to come home from work but she said "No - I'll get over it - Do some jobs!!!" Got home and she said she'd had four or five glasses of wine so felt alright. What happened to the jobs??? Checked the wine bottle and she had only drunk one or two glasses but I made her stay on the tea after that. She's going to the hairdresser today so that will give her something to focus on. So sad that since Dad died on December she is so lonely all day on her own. They had been married for 68 years so a big loss for her.

Better get on with some work !!!

Keep up the good work everyone !!!

Alison K

Registered User
Mar 29, 2008
Hi just updated my dads assesment and all these describe him to a tee. Despite the fact I know he isn't, I do feel the nearest and dearest get the worse of them. he can hold a converstion ok with others but I just get a load of agression and the stubborness would shame a mule!! All i can say is despite being on this website less than a month I have found so much support, and despite giggling yes really at some of the things you lot write i also could blub for hours too. Thinking of you and like you hoping medical science can find a way to help these people like our parents. Love Alison K


Registered User
May 24, 2006
Lucille and everyone

"theres nothing wrong with me its everyone else thats mad"

Oh boy how many times did we hear that from my Mother

Add on the people on the lawn talking about her , the telephone calls at 10pm "its dark here is it dark where you are "

"The TV has no sound .......have you pressed the mute button on the hand set ......I dont have a handset"

We all seem to experience the same "stupidity" yet so much of the time the doctors fail to even diagnose the problem till its too late ............Things could have been much different if the idiot medics had recognised 5 yrs before that ............the Paramedics and myself and my sister were right when Mother collapsed .......she had had 1st or maybe the tenth of many mini strokes that bit by bit robbed her of sense and dignity

I am still considering suing the Hospital and the doctor who adamantly insisted my Mothers hospitalisation following a total collapse was not the result of a mini stroke