I had a lovely time... but... is this normal?

[maryjoan]

Yesterday I met up with my sister and her husband who live 200 miles away, and my son and his wife who live over 400 miles away and my daughter ( only 30 miles away) - we all met for a leisurely lunch in a local hostelry.

Then, we all went our own ways.

I find I am very depressed this morning, and this is happening more. Every time I have a foray into 'normal ' life, which I enjoy, it upsets me because I know I am missing so much the social interaction that other people take for granted. I am very close to just staying in my home with my OH (PWD) and just getting on with living the daily and bizarre life of the carer of someone with dementia - it feels more protective of my own feelings....

What does everyone else think?

 

[Wifenotcarer]

Yesterday I met up with my sister and her husband who live 200 miles away, and my son and his wife who live over 400 miles away and my daughter ( only 30 miles away) - we all met for a leisurely lunch in a local hostelry.

Then, we all went our own ways.

I find I am very depressed this morning, and this is happening more. Every time I have a foray into 'normal ' life, which I enjoy, it upsets me because I know I am missing so much the social interaction that other people take for granted. I am very close to just staying in my home with my OH (PWD) and just getting on with living the daily and bizarre life of the carer of someone with dementia - it feels more protective of my own feelings....

What does everyone else think?

I know this feeling only too well. Having a 'day off' or 'day out' is exhausting because of all the arrangements that have to be made to enable it. Then, if you are like me, there is the effort of being cheery and pretending that all is well because you don't want to spoil the day for the others. It is no wonder that we feel really 'down' in the following days but that will pass and you will remember this family day as a bright spot in the gloom.

 

[maryjoan]

I know this feeling only too well. Having a 'day off' or 'day out' is exhausting because of all the arrangements that have to be made to enable it. Then, if you are like me, there is the effort of being cheery and pretending that all is well because you don't want to spoil the day for the others. It is no wonder that we feel really 'down' in the following days but that will pass and you will remember this family day as a bright spot in the gloom.

Thank you , I am sure I will, but I do ask myself why we live our lives like this - it is a huge price to pay for falling in love with someone....

 

[nae sporran]

I know that feeling well, Maryjoan. I remember posting a photo on here of a trip to the river near Bath and saying I almost didn't want to go home as the feeling of freedom and being normal was too good to give up for whatever awaited at home.
I want to say you should enjoy those little moments, but that's not always easy.

 

[karaokePete]

Hi @maryjoan, I recognise the feelings as well.

My own take on it is to keep taking the little breaks, for the benefit they bring, without thinking about the freedom I've lost afterwards. I think that to do otherwise would make things difficult for my usual optimistic outlook.

I'm glad you seem to have had a good day - they are precious.

 

[Ernest]

I agree with everything said above. I'm in a different situation I suppose though, in that as I have already posted on here, in June I took the most difficult decision of my life and moved my OH to a CH. I realise that it's for the best but I too, struggle to get on with "normal" things. He is in my thoughts all and everyday. He begs me to take him home every visit, so that stays with me as I drive back.
I met up with three of my old school girl friends for lunch today and all say how much better I look than a few months ago. Stupidly that doesn't really console me. I just can't get past the feeling of guilt. He's gone but he hasn't. He too is looking better than he has done for ages which adds to the constant questioning "have I done the right thing" It's just so hard for us all isn't it

 

[AliceA]

Yes, I am recognising these comments. I find going anywhere exhausting, I cannot remember when I last went out on my own. This is compounded by no transport.
I wonder about the future, but mostly leave the future to look after its self.
Friends are in a similar position, or too far away. I value my email contact with them where possible.
I have mine at home and I am thankful for that, but I know when a tide comes in we have no control.
It must be so hard Ernest. Sometimes there is no answer.

 

[Jade2404]

My heart goes out to all of you. I make it a point to have impromptu gathering of family. Planning for an event is so exhausting. I also take the first choice always. For example, if there is a choice for an event this week or first week next month – I always choose the first event date – for we never know if who will be around for the next event date.

Anyway, my take is always – we need to be kind to ourselves first. Feeling guilty thinking that we have not done more for another family member is not going to help us or the family member.
Stay loved everyone.

 

[PalSal]

Yesterday I met up with my sister and her husband who live 200 miles away, and my son and his wife who live over 400 miles away and my daughter ( only 30 miles away) - we all met for a leisurely lunch in a local hostelry.

Then, we all went our own ways.

I find I am very depressed this morning, and this is happening more. Every time I have a foray into 'normal ' life, which I enjoy, it upsets me because I know I am missing so much the social interaction that other people take for granted. I am very close to just staying in my home with my OH (PWD) and just getting on with living the daily and bizarre life of the carer of someone with dementia - it feels more protective of my own feelings....

What does everyone else think?

@maryjoan Hi there, can really relate. Isolation is tricky after we have had a day of pleasure. I agree with Pete you just have to get out there as often as you can. Saying that I know it is not always easy.
I took my hubby with me to a beautiful house concert on Saturday night. There was a apero afterwards. I made him a plate and he was so confused by it all that I had to feed him with a fork. I found the whole thing so humiliating for him, bless him. I do not think I am going to take him where acquiantances are for eating......I can dress him up, get his hair cut make him look good , but I find people find that even more confusing then when he is so diminished. OR maybe its just me....maybe they think nothing of it all.

Yesterday I met up with my sister and her husband who live 200 miles away, and my son and his wife who live over 400 miles away and my daughter ( only 30 miles away) - we all met for a leisurely lunch in a local hostelry.

Then, we all went our own ways.

I find I am very depressed this morning, and this is happening more. Every time I have a foray into 'normal ' life, which I enjoy, it upsets me because I know I am missing so much the social interaction that other people take for granted. I am very close to just staying in my home with my OH (PWD) and just getting on with living the daily and bizarre life of the carer of someone with dementia - it feels more protective of my own feelings....

What does everyone else think?

@maryjoan Hi there. I agree with you it is difficult. But like Pete, I also think you must keep getting out there no matter what. As often as you can make such arrangements. You must stay in the flow of life, we all must as best we can.

 

[AliceA]

I totally agree but sometimes handling others as well as the person you love and respect is quite a uphill trip. But yes, outside contact is important.

 

[AliceA]

My heart goes out to all of you. I make it a point to have impromptu gathering of family. Planning for an event is so exhausting. I also take the first choice always. For example, if there is a choice for an event this week or first week next month – I always choose the first event date – for we never know if who will be around for the next event date.

Anyway, my take is always – we need to be kind to ourselves first. Feeling guilty thinking that we have not done more for another family member is not going to help us or the family member.
Stay loved everyone.

Xxx

 

[Wishful]

I can fully understand what you're saying. When I get the chance to go out on my own I get that feeling of dread as soon as I pull onto our drive, sometimes I just sit there getting enough courage to go in. Unless you care for someone 24/7 I don't think other people really understand.

 

[Hopeful123]

I can fully understand what you're saying. When I get the chance to go out on my own I get that feeling of dread as soon as I pull onto our drive, sometimes I just sit there getting enough courage to go in. Unless you care for someone 24/7 I don't think other people really understand.

Hi Maryjoan, yes, it’s so much easier to just stay in the place. i’ve Just been asked if I’d like to go to a concert next July. It’s a middle of the week day, so don’t like asking my family when they’re up early next day. So declined the invite. I’m in the process now of getting respite care; after 5 years of 24/7 looking after my husband, but am really nervous how it will go down, no way will he go willingly. I spend my days imagining having a break, going on holiday & just being me. It helps pass the day anyway, take care, hopeful 123

 

[cumbria35]

I know this feeling only too well. Having a 'day off' or 'day out' is exhausting because of all the arrangements that have to be made to enable it. Then, if you are like me, there is the effort of being cheery and pretending that all is well because you don't want to spoil the day for the others. It is no wonder that we feel really 'down' in the following days but that will pass and you will remember this family day as a bright spot in the gloom.

Know so well,what you mean and sometimes wonder if it is worth it.

 

[maryjoan]

I can fully understand what you're saying. When I get the chance to go out on my own I get that feeling of dread as soon as I pull onto our drive, sometimes I just sit there getting enough courage to go in. Unless you care for someone 24/7 I don't think other people really understand.

Exactly!
People tell me I need to get out more - and I know I do for my own mental health - I am horribly unhappy - I love my partner, I hate the caring, I loathe and detest the dementia that is taking him away. He is now a very strange shadow of himself.

Going out, being in normal situations, actually enjoying myself, and then coming home to what is now my 'normal' is horrendous - but I must do it, I must enjoy myself, and then take that deep breath that gets me back indoors.

I actually have 3 days off later in the month, when he goes to see his son 200 miles away. He will be meeting his family. I asked him last night if they ask how I am - what will he say. His answer was, laughably from my point of view - " I will say you are fine, because you are"

 

[AliceA]

Exactly!
People tell me I need to get out more - and I know I do for my own mental health - I am horribly unhappy - I love my partner, I hate the caring, I loathe and detest the dementia that is taking him away. He is now a very strange shadow of himself.

Going out, being in normal situations, actually enjoying myself, and then coming home to what is now my 'normal' is horrendous - but I must do it, I must enjoy myself, and then take that deep breath that gets me back indoors.

I actually have 3 days off later in the month, when he goes to see his son 200 miles away. He will be meeting his family. I asked him last night if they ask how I am - what will he say. His answer was, laughably from my point of view - " I will say you are fine, because you are"

Ha, ha! Shadow of my husband telling his consultant that I could do everything, the Consultant under pressure to free a bed decided to believe him. Wonder Women live! Wishing does not always make it so, Bless them!
You too, all blessings for your three days off, x