I guess it's ok to feel depressed

[zelana]

Mum died in Boston Hospital last Monday. She'd had a fall at the care home and broke her hip. Last Sunday morning I got a phone call to say they'd got her out of bed sitting in a chair & somehow she'd fallen. No-one saw it happen, they just found her on the floor. They didn't think she'd hurt herself but were ringing to keep me informed. A few hours later they rang again to say Mum was deteriorating so my daughter & I made the 50 mile trip to the hospital by taxi. Before the taxi arrived we phoned my brothers and my sons to let them know. One of my sons drove from Leicester, the other came from Sheffield & both arrived just before we had to leave. The taxi had waited for us as it was cheaper that way.

My brothers chose not to make the journey from Norfolk. They'd seen Mum on the previous Thursday and didn't stay long as she got quite agitated when she woke briefly. They decided it was better to let her sleep so they left. She hadn't eaten or drunk since the op but was being given IV fluids.

While we were there the consultant came to talk to us as he felt Mum should be started on the Liverpool Pathway so we knew then that she wasn't going to make it.

The hospital called just before 8pm on Monday to say Mum was deteriorating and 5 minutes later she died.

The funeral will be in Norwich as we're taking Mum back to be with Dad but the distance means that neither of my DILs will be able to attend because of the children.

We've decided not to have flowers at the funeral but have donations instead and that's causing problems. I'd like to plant trees in the National Forest as they have planting days where the children could go and plant trees in memory of Great Nanny. All 4 of my grandchildren visited Mum at the care home. My brothers don't like that idea as they wouldn't want to travel to Leicestershire to plant the trees & they don't like the idea that you can't have a plaque or some sort of marker. You can print out a certificate but that obviously isn't enough. They think the money should be donated to charity but haven't really come up with a suitable suggestion. Mum loved her garden & loved watching birds so trees seem to me to be the perfect thing. Maybe they're just being awkward because the idea came from my daughter.

It was my birthday on Friday and it was horrible opening cards as I didn't know if they were going to be sympathy cards or birthday cards. It wasn't a happy birthday

 

[Noorza]

Could you split the donations half for the trees and half for the charities? Could you plant a tree in your garden perhaps in memory of mum?

When my niece died I "bought"a star for her brother and sister, I knew it was a complete rip off, that the start wasn't going to be officially recorded in her name but my nephew and niece were given a certificate and a guide to her star. Their Dad had a telescope and they could say goodnight to her when they looked out of the window.

I knew that despite the star not officially being named after my niece that it would bring comfort to my other niece and nephew so I bought it.

I think the fairest thing to do would be to split the donations.

So if it was £100 and there were five children, then each of the children decide where "their" £20 should be donated to. It's fair then and there can be no arguments. IMO anyway.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[cobden28]

As you say your Mum liked her garden and watching the birds, how about a donation to the RSPB in her memory?

 

[Varandas]

Sorry to hear about your loss.
It is difficult when no express wishes have been made. Noorza's idea is a good one to split between trees and charities.
I love the idea about the trees but that's is difficult when the family live in different parts of the country.
Courage!

 

[zeeeb]

It is OK to be depressed. We all are, at times, for various reasons, whether we like to admit it or not.

One thing you can be sure of, is that it doesn't overly matter how you choose to celebrate her memory, but she wouldn't want to cause tension over flower vs no flowers, trees vs charity.

That is easy for me to say, not so easy when you are living through it.

I hope you guys can come to an amicable agreement. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

 

[zelana]

When my Dad died in 1984 their neighbours had a collection in his memory and Mum chose to use the money to buy a bird bath. It was placed where she could sit and watch the birds from her lounge window. When we were clearing Mum's bungalow I made sure that one of my brothers took the bird bath. He was closer to Dad so it was appropriate for him to have it.

Mum "could" have donated the money to charity but chose to buy something instead.

 

[lilysmybabypup]

I'm so sorry for your loss, you're feeling grief and some shock I dare say. Disagreements within families are difficult enough when dealing with everyday situations, but they're magnified when it comes to decisions after a loss.

I lost my dad, who had Alzheimer's, in August and there was only my mum, my sister and myself making decisions, and there are countless ones to make, at a very trying and emotional time. I suggested we ask for donations to Alzheimer's Australia in lieu of flowers, and they were happy to agree. I agree that, if there are enough funds to cover it, perhaps compromise and share between the trees and a charity.

I hope you can find a way to keep everyone happy and celebrate your mum's memory in a meaningful way. I wish you peace and strength for the days ahead.

Stephanie, xxx