I got it wrong today

[Maggiemol]

My OH has AD, probably stage 5/6. He is very dependent on me, needing me to be around 24/7. We do not have a circle of close friends and our daughters don't live near by so I am very restricted. I worry about how I can get to the dentist or doctors. Have had to arrange for the hairdresser to visit me at home. Because od the restrictions I decided to check out a sitters service. They visited today. It was not a success. I presented the idea to OH as community services offeringaddional help, which initially he seemed open to. When the conversation turned to the idea of them coming for an hour every Thursday he was adament that he didn't want anything to do with it.
Once they had left he became angry with me for tricking him and trying to control him. He wants nothing more to do with them and now believes they were some strange couple trying to get their hands on the house!
I obviously handled this one wrong and now think my next approach will have to be more about help for me, advice that was offered through TP. Any ideas?
Also do any of you have more flexible sitter arrangements or does it have to be for a set time on a set day?
sorry for going on but ihas been a disappointing day.

 

[Spamar]

OH had set times, which was sensible for me and them. For me, so I could make appts for me, and for them, because they had someone else in the pm.
Not what you wanted to hear, I'm sure!

 

[Tin]

Our sitter is a private arrangement, she is a friend of a friend, Dementia is her field. Have a 2nd sitter, a retired school teacher, just looking for odd hours here and there - again experience of dementia. At the end of the month both ladies email me with any free hours they have for the next month and I pick the times suitable for me. Had this arrangement for over a year now and it works. Of course it does mean that sometimes they have no free time, but I am ok with that.

I never tell mum when they are coming, they just turn up for coffee and I leave.

 

[Maggiemol]

Tin your arrangements sound ideal you are very fortunate to have found these people. Not easy though.

 

[Tin]

Tin your arrangements sound ideal you are very fortunate to have found these people. Not easy though.

I know I am really fortunate to have this arrangement, it almost fell apart a few months back, when I was going through a bad stage and kept cancelling their visits. Thank god they stuck with me and we could pick up where we left off.

These sitters came into my live via one close friend, I asked her if she knew of anyone that could just come and sit with my mum for a few hours each week. She spread the word. I made it clear that I was flexible and I did not want them to give me dates or times that may conflict with others and accepted that from time to time they may cancel.

 

[LadyA]

I also had a private arrangement. I hired a man we knew "to help with the heavy work in the garden" two mornings a week while I was at work. And work in the garden, he and my husband did, for a couple of years, until my husband's condition deteriorated. After that, they pottered about the house, and the guy read interesting articles to William or watched dvds with him.

 

[Grannie G]

I had sitters at set times to help me with housework while I went to the shops, to have my hair done , to the dentist , to buy a paper. They were all there for me, never to sit with my husband.

 

[Maggiemol]

Yes I got it wrong because it was presented as someone coming in and sitting with OH. Even though I had been advised by some of you on TP to present it as help for me! OH actually said to me afterwards "why was all the focus on me?"

The sitter service didn't seem to have much advice to offer regarding the right approach so maybe I will look around for another company. At least this experience has given me more knowledge for the next time.

Thanks again to all

 

[SUP]

Sooz

I have crossroads twice a week, didn't think my husband would accept this but just bit the bullet gave him no warning . I had an old scrap book of his racing days out and she just got him engrossed in it straight off. She is a amazing. Takes him out for coffees, or a pint. Today they went to see the swans and cygnets. He is mobile has always been very fit and sporty so I guess his mobility has remained good because of this. He was diagnosed about 6 years ago at the age of 60 and has virtually no short term memory . I then again took him to the day centre for a visit and he now goes weekly to "help the poor folk that are there". He has done some wonderful artwork since going.
He can be a nightmare with me at home very irritable refuses to bathe change clothes etc, but he is ok when entertained by others.

 

[LilyJ]

It's taken a year for my M-in-L to accept the three hour respite care we get from Crossroads each week. She has resented the fact that it's for our sake and used to complain that nobody cared about her but she now just accepts that it's Tuesday and that's what happens. It's hard to begin with but has been worth our persevering.

 

[malomm]

Thanks everybody for insights into how might be the best approach. I'm going to have to go the private arrangement route in the near future, and​ have been worried about how to get a stranger accepted by Mrs.m.
Keep smiling,
Malomm


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[Pollytickle]

My aunt & uncle had a church newsletter come through the door & they had a kind of 'helping hands' group: the first time aunt & uncle decided to try the service was for a hospital appointment ( they didn't drive & the hospital was a 2.5hr trip & three buses each way )
Long story cut very short the couple who helped that day became friends & helped a lot, especially after Uncle passed, even though A&U were not church-goers themselves.


Do you have a college near-by who might have some students on a Care course, looking for work experience? Is there a day centre who could recommend someone? Can your daughters ask their friends, if only for someone who would not be a complete stranger? We're either of you in the Armed forces, emergency services or trade union who may have a benevolent connection?

Good Luck.

 

[Trisha4]

Our local council provides a sitting service purely for people with dementia. As my husband's carer I am entitled to one social sit a fortnight up to 6 hours and ALL medical appointments, which seems to include dentists, covered no matter how often.


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