I frightened myself tonight because for a moment I really wanted to kill my Mum.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kittyann, Apr 27, 2015.

  1. Kittyann

    Kittyann Registered User

    Jun 19, 2013
    #1 Kittyann, Apr 27, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2015
    Hi everyone. I'm writing this upstairs in my bedroom while my Mum is sobbing and ranting and raving on the sofa downstairs. I know I should be down there with her in case she gets up and falls but, to be honest, I'm terrified that if I go near her I might kill her.

    For weeks now EVERY evening follows the same pattern, my mum spending at least two hours sobbing and ranting incoherently about some imaginary issue or sometimes she doesn't even know what she's upset about. And nothing, absolutely nothing, I do helps. Usually I can ride it out but tonight something in me snapped and I became furious and for a moment I genuinely wanted to kill her. So I ran out of the room to get away from the situation. So here I am part terrified and part ashamed but mostly worried that one day I will do something terrible.

    Not sure there is an answer but you lovely people have been so helpful to me in the past that I thought I would just see what you think. Even one of you confirming that I'm behaving abnormally woukd at least give me some useful info!

    I'm a single woman and an only child and have been caring for my Mum at home. She has been in the advanced stage of dementia for nearly two years now.
  2. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    The feelings and momentary thoughts you have are not you. You are your actions. You ran out of the room because you are a decent person, even in circumstances that would drive anyone to distraction.
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    You did the right thing leaving the room.
    Stay where you are & calm down. Take some deep breaths.

    Do you have any help or support?
  4. chelsea girl

    chelsea girl Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    I think if we're honest we've all felt like that at times. Ur mum will have forgotten it happened but u wont! Try not to worry and make it up to her tomorrow. Love xx
  5. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    I have been there

    my wife who was at the time was 58 years old . Has lewy body which i can tell you is not good very bad . There have been a number of time. That i could have caues her ham. Im dislix. Sorry .i love my wife to bits but it still gets to you .i have read up on this lewy boady ,and now undstand moor about it . I now relise its not her fault its the dam lewy boady . So have now got moor time if thinks are going bad just live the room have a moment . Think about the lover fot her . Then go back in to look after her .
  6. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    (((hugs)))) kittyanne. I think most of us have been there, but as others have said - you ran away so that you didnt do anything.

    On a practical note - it sounds like your mum is sundowning. Could you go and see someone - Memory clinic? GP? and see whether there is some medication that she could take to calm it down.
  7. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Kittyann. You like the rest of us are Human not A Saint. Your dealing with a tough situation and did right by leaving the room. Don't go back to mum till you are feeling calmer. Is their anyone you can call on to sit with mum for a while.
    Maybe call the out of hours GP service , their were a couple of occasions when my mum was so bad that we had to do this.

    Have you heard of Sundowning, if you have my apologies but In case you or others reading haven't.
    It is a period of greater confusion and agitation. It often happens around Sundown hence the name, but in reality it can happen at anytime of the day or night and can start at regular times.
    I could set my watch by when my mum's started, though it did very gradually get later and later then eventually stopped.

    Sometimes it can be caused by things like tiredness ,pain or hunger , I'm sure others will be able to suggest other causes.
    If a cause can be found it should ease the Sundowning but often no cause can be found

    Personally I suggest you speak not only to your Mum's DRs and memory clinic but your own GP as well as it sounds to me that you are reaching or have reached the end of your thether and need a break. And with your own GP batting for you ,you may get respite sooner
  8. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    You are doing the best you can. AD is a horrible disease, there is very little support - to be honest, the only support I can really say I've had is from the great people at TP. You are not a Saint, you need help, unfortunately AD isn't given the same amount of help and support that you would get if it was cancer.
  9. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    I really do empathise with you as I felt this way sometimes when I was just totally bewildered and did not know what to do for my Mum. I was damned if I did, damned if I didn't and I felt so angry and I was all on my own with it all of the time. I didn't understand the disease then and it is only now she has gone into a care home that I can really begin to understand what's happened over the past years. If you could get a break somehow .... although I know it's just not possible for some of us on here .... try and get some support and a break if you can. You have done nothing wrong, don't feel judged by anyone and most of all don't judge yourself harshly. You are doing a wonderful job caring for your Mum. x
  10. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Medication can help

    You must see about medication to reduce agitation for her sake and yours. Call the GP tomorrow. She may say that you need to go back to the Memory clinic as they can prescribe drugs that the GP cannot. Either way do not suffer this one more day. I feel for both of you.
  11. Kittyann

    Kittyann Registered User

    Jun 19, 2013
    #11 Kittyann, Apr 27, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2015
    Thanks so much everyone. You never fail to help when things get tough. Mum is all calmed down now and watching Fr Ted on Netflix. It still makes her laugh. It's really bizarre the way she goes utterly beserk for a few hours then just calms down really quickly.

    Anyway I stayed away until I felt capable of coping. But I really do need a break. I will contact my GP as you've advised to see if I can get some respite.

    Thanks again for all your kind words and suggestions.
  12. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    And Kittyann, if you can't get respite or any worthwhile help so that you can carry on caring safely please consider looking for a residential home for your Mum. This incident is a wake-up call, telling you - and everyone else - things have got to change.

    All best wishes.
  13. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    I agree with alsoconfused, it's time for a care home before you either have a complete breakdown or something drastic happens, you MUST put your own health first, speak to a GP asap, xx
  14. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    I never wanted to kill my mother, but there were many, many times when I desperately, desperately wished that she would just die. You did the right thing in leaving the room. I wouldn't worry too much about having had that feeling - it doesn't make you a bad person. Having the thought is an extremely long way from taking the action. Just, as others have said, take it as a sign that you need some respite, or you need something to change.
  15. clareglen

    clareglen Registered User

    Jul 9, 2013
    I've been there. I rang social services to tell them and they gave me a social worker to talk things through with. I knew it was time for a care home.
  16. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    Kitty sorry but yes I have felt like that with my mum..........when she shouts she wishes she was dead..........I have said why don't you just take all your antidepressants and a bottle of wine and go and lie down.........

    I'm sorry afterwards, but maybe it would be for the best. Am I really bad/mad a murderer?
  17. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    Totally agree with Lin1 and Marionq. There is medication to help extreme agitation and as you can see, many of us have been at the end of our tether too. Bro and myself could not cope with this, and this precipitated move into a care home. You have done marvellously to get this far. I think someone else needs to take over now. Not many people, and alone too, cope without the care home option. Time to press the emergency button I think.
    All the best.
  18. Kazza72

    Kazza72 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    West London
    Sorry your going through this Kittyann, I totally get where you're coming from. I have to walk out of the room regularly. You're only human....

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  19. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    One thing I did anticipate with all this is that I would have very dark thoughts from time to time. I knew it would happen and I knew I had to forgive myself for them. As another poster said, there are a million miles between an impulsive primeval thought flashing through your mind during an immensely stressful few minutes and actually committing a major crime.

    Cut yourself some slack. After all this time caring for her and everything you've endured you'd have to be a robot not to feel a bit of rage every now and then. I suspect most people here have had exactly the same thought on more than one occasion! This is one of the few places you can say this sort of stuff and people will understand rather than think you're some kind of monster, so use TP as your place to vent.
  20. Preeder

    Preeder Registered User

    Mar 31, 2014
    The hardest part for anyone caring for someone with Dementia is acceptance that the person has changed from what you knew to someone that you sort of don't like. This isn't a physical illness that you can treat by putting a bandage on ...... and when my mum changed dramatically during the last 3 years I didn't cope well until I accepted the situation and stopped fighting the changes. It's not easy but once I crossed the line of understanding it really helped.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

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