i feel very lonley , just need a hug

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by geoffonline, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    238
    Sending big big hugs to you Geoff online xx
     
  2. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    250
    Hi Geoff
    I am in the same position only further down the line as my OH went into his care home eleven months ago. I know exactly how you feel. The emptiness as you walk through the door. The not knowing what to do with yourself after caring for someone 24/7. All I will say is it does get easier as time goes on. Oh I still have times when I burst into tears as I come in because he’s not there but not as often as I used to. I visit several times a week even though I don’t think he knows me anymore but it’s nice to chat to him even if it’s a one way conversation. I have joined activities now which help to fill the day times and I spend most of my evenings with my head in a book to take my mind off the loneliness. It will get better even if at the moment you can’t see how . Sending a big virtual hug.
     
  3. geoffonline

    geoffonline Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    14
    thank you , mmm x
     
  4. Philbo

    Philbo Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    644
    Male
    Kent
    Hi @geoffonline

    I still have my wife at home but her cognitive abilities were affected even in the early stages, some 5+ years ago. So I started feeling lost and lonely almost from the beginning?

    Like your situation, my wife tended to keep people at arms length (she had battled with depression and anxiety for many years), so we didn't socialise as much as we should have.

    When I first realised (after getting my head out of the sand) that she probably had dementia, I knew I had to look for something to get us out and about more. This coincided with her mum passing away and we started popping in a local pub to keep half an eye on her younger brother (it is his local).

    I have never had a local pub before but we gradually got to know the regulars, who have been hugely supportive. In fact they've become our second family and I honestly don't know how I would have coped, mentally,otherwise.

    Life is still very hard but as others have mentioned, looking for any opportunity to keep socialising is useful. I found that attending a monthly dementia coffee morning was helpful in meeting others in a similar situation. A chap I talked to there had started volunteering with AgeUK which he found rewarding.

    So I'll send a virtual "man-hug" and wish you well.

    Rergards
    Phil
     
  5. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,232
    Yes a big hug from me. Please give yourself time it is a grieving process, then slowly look around sometime. volunteering does help because in helping others we do seem to help ourselves. Perhaps not working in a charity shop but the RVS and AGEUK often need, drivers, gardeners, companions for other men. Reading with children. Just helps to give meaning to life. But first care for yourself.
     
  6. geoffonline

    geoffonline Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    14
    hi , yes it all sounds great but im not that well with copd and heart issues which stop me doing a lot of things
     
  7. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,232
    This is often the problem, I too have serious health issues but we still have to do what we do. This is tiring and can stop reaching out to others.
    Yes, it is often very lonely. Whether in a home or at home, both have their issues.
    We can all look back to the 'what ifs' but we had friends who are now old, ill or no longer with us. Take care.
     
  8. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    515
    Scotland
    I used to enjoy volunteering - Cancer Research shop, local Hospital Friends and some other fundraising activities but had to give up those activities after OH had leukaemia diagnosis 20 years ago. Dementia also entered our lives and took control - now advanced.

    However, much as I would wish to enjoy volunteering again I do not have the stamina and level of health that I would need in order to be able to do what I used to do all those years ago so I can understand, Geoff, that you would be limited by health problems.

    It would be good if some of us on TP were near enough to meet up for coffee and a natter occasionally.

    Sending a wee hug.
     
  9. geoffonline

    geoffonline Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    14
    yes you are right , its easy to say i wish i had , now its to late , im trying to adjust but life goes on and i will not waste what i have left or try not to , i think positive , right ill change the car or go away for aweekend or do something , then i think mmmcant e othered but im trying and i hope you are to , i now seem to be alone , but life goes on , x
     
  10. Steve115

    Steve115 Registered User

    May 17, 2016
    97
    Huntingdon area
    Hi Geoff,
    Your first post described my situation to a tee though my wife has now been in a nursing home for 18 months just over. It does get easier but that gap in life does not actually go away. So many things have changed since her diagnosis and subsequent move into a nursing home. Initially I had no interest in any of my old hobbies and interests, just could not care less.. However, i did eventually find a couple of new ones and reconnected with a couple of old friends whom I had not seen for at least 5 years. I see both of the friends now every couple of weeks and my new interests file some time once or twice a month. And recently my old interests have resurfaced and now help to fill time in a positive way. Strangely this would not have happened if life had not changed so much.
    Like so many other respondents on here I see my wife on most days. As a result I now undertake some voluntary work at the nursing home. My wife was a very keen gardener and often sits in the NH garden. I do a bit of gardening and she orders me about like the old days. I make teas and sit with other residents and chat. If possible I help with my wife's care so that carers can work elsewhere. I also act as a carer when there are trips out.
    It all adds to make life more interesting and full. I am not sure that it makes up in any way for the situation as I would dearly love to turn the clock back 8 years but it does help me cope with the huge change that has come about.
    I do hope that
     
  11. AL60

    AL60 Registered User

    Oct 14, 2016
    493
    Cheshire
    Hi. Your post could so easily be mine and I'm sure many others on this forum. The loneliness can be crushing at times but trust me, on here you're never truly alone. You have more friends than you realise, all in the same mind, For me it's not just the loneliness, it's the guilt and the bitterness that goes with it. Even out with friends ,at the end of an evening I found myself almost jealous of their lives. It can eat you up but only if you let it. Once again I can say trust me, it will get better, honestly. I can speak from my own experience. Our circumstances are so similar I could be reading my own post from a year ago. Be patient, don't worry, it WILL! get better with time. Al60
     

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