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I feel so worried and anxious

Mudlark

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
71
0
I left my mother in a care home today. She looked so lost, lonely and vulnerable.

Until two weeks ago she was living with her husband until he had a heart attack and went to hospital with her. As she was put on a dementia ward with no clinical need I had to find her somewhere else.
He now can not care for her, and that is that. She will stay in a care setting now.

I love her dearly and cant bear to see her so upset and lonely.

She has Alzheimer's and has deteriorated so much since being on the truly dreadful dementia ward, child like and worried.

I am not sure this care home ( they gave me 24 hours to find one or they would sent her out of county as she was bed blocking) is the right place - its very posh and very big and very empty - capacity 65 and only 11 residents.

Is it necessary to step back from out loved ones? To stop our heart from breaking
 

Lovemymumsomuch

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
18
0
My heart goes out to you and makes me realise what I have to face :(
Day to day living is hard enough, young children, pets bills dealing with officials.. I live with dread. But I have heard many people say that after the initial 2 weeks they can settle in and be happy. Surely its not too late to change as how are you to know if this home is suitable ?
Please keep us posted how this panes out. Take care x
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,720
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Mudlark , you've made the first difficult step and I'm sure being in a care home, even if you are not quite sure it is the right one, will be so much better for your mother than the hospital.
Is the home so empty because it is new or were they badly hit by covid in the first wave? Either way it should start to fill up as things ease off and in the meantime there being so few residents should mean your mum gets a lot of care and attention. As to whether it is the right place, I'd give it a few weeks and see, but in the meantime, now there is no pressure from the hospital, there is nothing to stop you having a look round at other places. All homes are different and what suits one person wouldn't suit another. My mum and my mother in law are in two very different homes. My mum's in a largish new build with long corridors and is quite posh (though not as posh as the one she was in when we lived in London). My MiL is in a home in an old house with an odd lay-out and is all rather tatty. Both homes are very similar to the homes they lived in before they went into care. Mum was in a modern flat and MiL in a Victorian cottage. In my experience no home is going to be 100% right, but as long as it is about 80% OK I reckon you've found the right place.
Try not to worry too much, easier said than done I know. Your mum is now safe and that is the important thing.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,140
0
South coast
I agree with @Sarasa - even if this care home is not the right place for your mum it will be infinitely better that a hospital ward. It can often take longer than a couple of weeks to settle (it took mum 6 weeks and other members have said it has taken even longer), so dont worry too much if she still seems unhappy then. Look at the care she is getting and the attitude of the carers.

Yes it is not a good idea to keep moving them, but if this care home turns out not to be the right one for her then another move at this stage should not cause too many problems. Take your time to look at other care homes. Think about whether she would use the facilities of offer (some places I looked at had things like a spa and cinema, which she would never use as she wouldnt wash and things on the TV frightened her!). Some things may surprise you, though. Mum used to love her garden and I wanted her to have a room overlooking the garden, but mum pronounced it "boring" and much preferred a smaller room with a view over the care park, so that she could watch everyone coming and going.

Be brutally honest about your mums behaviour and needs and ask how they would deal with them - woolly answers probably mean that they do not have experience. Look to see if there are times and/or places when there is no staff to keep an eye on things and may cause anxiety. If you want her to stay there right up to the end then there should be evidence of people with very advanced dementia. If everyone is at about the same stage then that probably means that once your mum gets beyond that stage she would be asked to leave.

I hope you find somewhere where your mum is well looked after
xx
 

Mudlark

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
71
0
The care home is new, built 18 months ago - it is like a posh hotel.
After utter chaos and false positive covid results from the dementia ward in hospital, we got to the care home on Saturday afternoon -
I visited again today 24 hours later. Two staff for 11 residents - very nice staff, but still only two, it was the weekend and a skeleton crew I guess. My mum, tiny wisp that she is, wandering round the plush corridors, looking more frail and unkempt than I have ever seen her.

Is it a blessing that this sudden move to hospital , then care home has accelerated her Alzheimer's?
Should I maybe think that although it so awful to see her go downhill like this, the sooner she is unaware of what is happening to her the better? Even two weeks ago she had insight into what was happening to her and she was so horrified, frightened.

It is not possible for me to remain this worried, and have daily visits as I have been doing for the last two weeks. I have two children, 12 and 11 , and they need me. I need to find a way to let go of worrying about my mother quite so much. I can not save her, rescue her or even help her, I just need to feel I have done everything I can.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
75,844
0
Kent
I left my mother in a care home today. She looked so lost, lonely and vulnerable

This is one of the saddest comments I have read and I`m sure there are many of us who identify with the experience. It really is heartbreaking.

. I can not save her, rescue her or even help her, I just need to feel I have done everything I can.

I agree

It is one of life`s tragedies.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,140
0
South coast
Although your mum may not remember what has happened in the past couple of weeks it will have left her feeling lost and bewildered. She may well improve as she settles.
Do not feel guilty about leaving her - she will be safe. Play it all by ear for the next few weeks.
xx
 

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