I feel so numb

[canary]

Mum died a few weeks ago and I just feel empty, numb, as if Im living in a parallel universe. I dont think it has helped that OH (with FTD) had a stroke just a couple of days before the funeral. I have not cried at all, I cant concentrate on anything and my memory is shot to pieces. The only thing that is keeping me going is the thought that I have to be there for OH - and my lists. Ever since mum passed away there has been so much to do and so many people to contact that I have made lists and lists of lists - ticking off stuff at the top and adding stuff at the bottom, making notes of what has happened, what was said and what I have to do, carrying the unfinished stuff over to the next list etc etc. Now Im making lists of what I have to do that that day (ironing, picking up OHs drugs), menus for the week and shopping lists. I think that without my lists I would collapse and people say that I look like Im in shock (perhaps I am).

Im sorry, there are no questions here and probably no answers. I just needed to say this.

 

[LadyA]

Sounds like you are doing "as well as can be expected", Canary! You probably are still in a bit of shock, a kind of buffer zone. Things to be done, things to be dealt with. Eventually, you will catch up, or there will be a space of time when there's nothing immediate needing doing, and then the grief will reach the top of the list. In the immediate aftermath, we can be so busy, it allows us to postpone sitting down and letting our grief wash over us, in case it drowns us. It won't, of course, but there is that fear.

Just take one day at a time, and let things come naturally. And stick with making lists. Without lists, and writing down what I was to do, I would have got nothing at all done in the first months after William died. I felt accomplished if I even got one item ticked off the list!

 

[Jbob]

Hi Canary,
I think you are doing just fine. Grief affects everyone differently. I lost my Dad just over 2 weeks ago. I have had moments of uncontrollable crying (mainly at the end of of the day) as I have gone back to work this week after 3 weeks off when he was on eol care. I'm still in a state of shock but need to try to get back to some sort of normality (whatever that maybe). My Mum has kept heŕself busy and I dont think its really sunk in for her yet.
Don't beat yourself up for feeling a certain way or not feeling a certain way. After this journey we've been on it will be harder to re adjust. Take care and take each day at a time. I am! I've nearly done a full week in work so I'm proud of that (not 100% how productive I've been?) Each day brings new hurdles but I know my Dad would have wanted us to carry on. He would have been mortified if he knew what he and us went through this last year.

 

[canary]

Thank you jbob and LadyA. I dont actually feel that I am doing a good job. I am spending way too much time on here as I feel I just cant cope in the "real world" ATM. Mind you I try to tell myself that I am not losing it as Im actually doing it (sort of)

 

[Shedrech]

hello canary
you're right, there are no answers and there is no right or wrong way to cope and grieve, just your way and what you need to do to get by
I remember when mum died, I felt as though I were walking through treacle - very gradually I began to move less slowly and the cotton wool in my brain dissolved
it felt as if to smile was insulting her until I realised that she'd have told me off for that, using my full first name (that was always trundled out when she was disappointed in me) and I found a really daft photo of the 2 of us paddling on a Norfolk beach looking a right old mess but so happy, and I framed it and smile every time I look at it; dad's there too as he took the photo, refusing to get his feet wet, - not sure I ever really wept - there's a song that says some things just go too deep for tears
so keep listing and keep posting and do whatever else gets you through
very best wishes

 

[Babymare01]

Hello there Canary
People say you look like in shock? Of course you are. Your mother has died. Your OH has had a stroke. That's a lot for a person to come to terms with without being in shock.

You feel you are not doing a good job. Oh how I want to gently shake you and say" Canary you are doing a great job!" Your are honest. The fact you are writing lists of what needs doing and if you only tick one item of that list each day well done. And if the ironing doesn't get done so be it. If you spend a lot of time on here so be it.

Please please stop being so hard on yourself. there are no rules on how we act when grieving or coping with truamtic events. We just deal with it how we can. One day at a time.

But everyday take some time for YOU. it could be just sitting in the garden and listening to birds. It could be a soak in bath with candles - for me it is walking my wonderful dog . You are very important.

Please be gentle to yourself and don't forget there are many on here ready with a shoulder xxx

 

[Spamar]

Canary, we often say on here that dementia is individual to the person.
So is grief.
Don't beat yourself up, do what you like, just feel content in yourself. If you want to spend ages reading TP, that's fine. Your posts are always interesting and give advice, so you are helping others, not a waste if time at all!
Btw, if reading TP is grieving, then, nearly two years on, I'm still grieving!
You have more problems ATM with your OH and you will need to be strong to deal with that.
((((Hugs))))

 

[Murper1]

Please go easy on yourself. You have so much to deal with.

 

[canary]

Oh, my eyes misted up when I read your replies. Im feeling pretty useless and often wonder if my comments just annoy people. Things have somewhat improved as yesterday my cleaner came and my house now looks so much better. It had become a right tip as, what with mum and then OH, I hadnt been at home much - and when I was I didnt do much housework (not that I did much before then either, TBH ). So Ive got up this morning and thing seemed calmer. Then OH had one of his usual tonic/clonic seizures and I put him back to bed. I aught to be going out food shopping, but instead Im on here.....

 

[LadyA]

I aught to be going out food shopping, but instead Im on here.....

You don't have any food in the house at all?? Not a single thing you could rustle up to eat? If you have, then just leave the shopping! Or, if you need stuff, well, you are online anyway, aren't you? Do it online! Give yourself a break. I literally lived on boiled eggs and sandwiches for ages after William died. With the occasional ready meal for variety. And I'm here to tell the tale!

 

[canary]

Oh, Lady A, that made me laugh! I usually go down to the local farm shop - its a nice walk, and we have good, right-on eco-credentials here in my house (!), but you are right - there are always choices and nothing is hopeless.
After I had posted I checked up on OH (still breathing ) and then walked to the shop, so now I can write my list of the weeks menus

 

[jaymor]

Lists are wonderful Canary, I do them all the time.

I did one last week. I sat the night before jotting down all the things I needed to get done. I filled one side of an A5 note pad. Got up early the next day, breakfasted and then started on the list. Most of them were little things, sort paperwork and put away, empty paper baskets and recycle container into bin etc. etc. Largest job was to wax the furniture, it should be done every three months and had not been done for over 12 months.

By lunch time all was done including the mowing of the lawn. Satisfaction was immense and I felt great. Had I not done the list then I know the jobs would not have been done.

When my husband was in his nursing home I spent a lot of my time there and after he died the habit I had got into of eating anything as long as it could go between to pieces of bread stayed with me. Hence a weight gain. Keeping it quick and simple is natural when caring as is leaving small things that suddenly became enormous things.

I am sure we all do it and it gets on top of us, I am looking around now and I think it is probably the right time to start another list. Nothing changes.

 

[caqqufa]

What a relief reading this thread. You all made me realise I'm normal after all !!

 

[MaNaAk]

Oh, my eyes misted up when I read your replies. Im feeling pretty useless and often wonder if my comments just annoy people. Things have somewhat improved as yesterday my cleaner came and my house now looks so much better. It had become a right tip as, what with mum and then OH, I hadnt been at home much - and when I was I didnt do much housework (not that I did much before then either, TBH ). So Ive got up this morning and thing seemed calmer. Then OH had one of his usual tonic/clonic seizures and I put him back to bed. I aught to be going out food shopping, but instead Im on here.....

Dear Canary,

I think you're doing very well but I hope that you have someone coming in to help you out.

MaNaAk

 

[canary]

It has been lovely weather and OH and I went for a short walk, OH with his rollator - just round the block if the truth be told - and with a 5 mins rest halfway. Still, we both got back with a sense of achievement and OH said it was lovely to be out of the house.

Jaymore - Im seriously impressed with your lists and what you managed to achieve. Mine say things like Take a shower and cook dinner

 

[CeliaW]

I always start my lists with the same thing so that I can be sure to get at least one thing done...

1) Write a list

☺

Sent from my SM-G361F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[MaNaAk]

It has been lovely weather and OH and I went for a short walk, OH with his rollator - just round the block if the truth be told - and with a 5 mins rest halfway. Still, we both got back with a sense of achievement and OH said it was lovely to be out of the house.

Jaymore - Im seriously impressed with your lists and what you managed to achieve. Mine say things like Take a shower and cook dinner

This is good to hear Canary!

MaNaAk

 

[canary]

I always start my lists with the same thing so that I can be sure to get at least one thing done...

1) Write a list

☺

Sent from my SM-G361F using Talking Point mobile app

It was a friends funeral today. Normally I would have gone, and I did want to go, but just couldnt face it, so I went to the church before the funeral started and said goodbye.
Im probably mad, but Im thinking of doing mums probate - it will give me something constructive to think about.

 

[Spamar]

Got to be done, canary. I did OHs pretty soon after he died, glad of that now!

 

[villager]

Hello Canary.
I feel for you..my lovely dad passed away 3 weeks ago, although we knew it was coming its still such a shock.
I'm getting through each day like a robot ATM..cry at anything.. Can't eat properly.. Xx