I feel so hopeless

[Tubbsy]

Its been 3 months since my last post....a few days after that I ended up in A&E after the worst ever gastritis attack resulting in me passing out on my kitchen floor.....all stress related due to dealing with my mum and her situation. It's taken me 3 months to feel remotely ok and then today, I feel like I did back then. I know I won't end up like that though, thanks to the meds I've been on!

Mum has got so much worse....I took her to the GP today, who continues to be useless: 'did I refer her to SS?', no, I did but any other help would be great, 'no, there's nothing more I can do'. Mum needs to have a scan due to abdominal pain and is so dehydrated because she doesn't drink but the GP was unconcerned as my mum told her she drinks plenty! Mum now doesn't make sense a lot of the time, broke down in tears several times today and then shoved me out the front door. I know it's her frustration and confusion an out what's happening to her and although my brother and I are meeting with SS at her house on Friday for them to do a capacity assessment, I just feel hopeless about it all.

I'm almost certain she sleeps in her clothes so probably hasn't changed them for weeks and they're filthy, she's filthy and her house is filthy. Between my brother and I, she sees one of us every day and we do what we can but she refuses to go into a home or accept she needs outsider help. Even as I type this, I can feel my poor stomach reacting to the stress of thinking about it

 

[CeliaThePoet]

As you can plainly see, decisions and self-care are no longer in your mum's hands. Though it is difficult, you must begin to make moves toward another solution. Everyone refuses to go into care, but care is often the very best place for everyone--the person and the family. It does take a long time and is a journey of many steps. Worrying won't solve it, hun. When you begin to take things in hand, your stress will gradually reduce.

 

[fizzie]

Aww Tubbsy so sorry you are feeling so awful and having such a difficult time
Can you persuade your Ma to change her clothes or would a carer be a better bet - my Mum used to do things for our carer that she would never do for me so the hour a day I paid her for was well worth it!! Perhaps if you did a bedtime visit it may help her, she might just lose track of time and sleep whenever the mood takes her rather than having any sort of routine. She sounds depressed and frustrated, poor her too x and she may well be feeling she is losing control. Can she not go to a lunch club or day centre where she would have company and routine??

SS should be able to at least start the ball rolling - maybe they will suggest extra care housing with carers popping in and out - sometimes people suit that option more than care homes and although your mum isn't coping very well with the day to day chores it sounds as though she is muddling along!!

Or maybe they will get carers in for your Mum. Something good will happen on Friday for you I am sure and i will be keeping all my fingers and toes crossed so keep plodding til then and keep posting xxx we are here for you xxxxxxxxxxxxx you are not alone xxxxxxxx
.

 

[canary]

Im so sorry about your circumstances tubbsy. Stress can really affect caregivers.
Im glad SS are meeting at her house - hopefully they will see the state of your mum and her house and your mum will get more help.

 

[min88cat]

Hi Tubbsy

Write a letter to give to the social worker on Friday. Put in everything you have put in your post, together with any other relevant things/problems, not just with regard to,your Mum, but with regard to your own situation and health. Hopefully when they see the state of the house and your Mum, the ball will start rolling!

 

[Tubbsy]

Hi Tubbsy

Write a letter to give to the social worker on Friday. Put in everything you have put in your post, together with any other relevant things/problems, not just with regard to,your Mum, but with regard to your own situation and health. Hopefully when they see the state of the house and your Mum, the ball will start rolling!

Thats a great idea, thank you! I'm worried my brother will play things down as he thinks it would be cruel to put her in a home but he's so naive and only sees what he wants to see and not accept the reality of the situation. I see you are very local to me (am in Guildford) so if you know of any good care homes........

 

[Tubbsy]

Aww Tubbsy so sorry you are feeling so awful and having such a difficult time
Can you persuade your Ma to change her clothes or would a carer be a better bet - my Mum used to do things for our carer that she would never do for me so the hour a day I paid her for was well worth it!! Perhaps if you did a bedtime visit it may help her, she might just lose track of time and sleep whenever the mood takes her rather than having any sort of routine. She sounds depressed and frustrated, poor her too x and she may well be feeling she is losing control. Can she not go to a lunch club or day centre where she would have company and routine??

SS should be able to at least start the ball rolling - maybe they will suggest extra care housing with carers popping in and out - sometimes people suit that option more than care homes and although your mum isn't coping very well with the day to day chores it sounds as though she is muddling along!!

Or maybe they will get carers in for your Mum. Something good will happen on Friday for you I am sure and i will be keeping all my fingers and toes crossed so keep plodding til then and keep posting xxx we are here for you xxxxxxxxxxxxx you are not alone xxxxxxxx
.

Thank you for your kind words Fizzie. You may well be right about her having carers gong in suiting her better than a home and I like your positivity about the meeting with SS. x

 

[Tubbsy]

Im so sorry about your circumstances tubbsy. Stress can really affect caregivers.
Im glad SS are meeting at her house - hopefully they will see the state of your mum and her house and your mum will get more help.

Thanks Canary, I hope you're right. I was going to take her to get her hair cut before the meeting, purely as time wise it suits me, but hubbie said I shouldn't so they can see how awful she looks. Maybe he's right?

 

[Witzend]

Thanks Canary, I hope you're right. I was going to take her to get her hair cut before the meeting, purely as time wise it suits me, but hubbie said I shouldn't so they can see how awful she looks. Maybe he's right?

I think your hubbie is right. Don't tidy her up, and don't tidy the house. It's our instinct to want to, but the social worker needs to see the reality, warts and pong and mess and all.

I do hope you get some positive action very soon.

 

[min88cat]

I wish I could recommend somewhere, but my MIL was in a different county to us! If the time came for a home would she be self funding or LA funded?

It would also be worth applying for Attendance Allowance now as well. This isn't means tested and will help to pay for any help that she needs. Keep us posted and good luck for Friday!

 

[Mrsbusy]

I agree, don't tidy up, let her stay in her clothes until after the meeting, don't do her hair better than it is usually. Finger nails dirty and long. It all adds to your argument that she's not coping. Resist resist resist!

Think of the next few days up to the meeting as time for you to jot things down, sort things out in your head, Google a few homes or carer companies etc. but do not tidy up, wash up etc!

The necessary authority see a chink of you helping and they will get you sucked in and you will be ill again. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind I'm afraid.

Thinking of you and good luck.